Corporate Retirement

Today is my last day.

Many of you already know, but this is the day the world knows. Nearly 20 years with the same company in the same industry immersed in the land of software technology and fast-paced-blink-and-you-miss-it business. That’s my favorite logo up there (not in use for quite a long time since acquisition), as I always thought of myself as yellow, then b.i.g blue. Always yellow.

Today I give up my company-owned laptop (truthfully, I wanted to chuck it though the window but policy dictates that I transfer it in a …. ummmm…more “civil” manner).

This was my identity.

Until today, that is.

For the next ten days I am unemployed, and in May I start a new career in the family business. Less stress, less long days and hopefully more time to dedicate to myself and my family.

Looking back, I nearly could vomit when I think about the rollercoaster which was my career here. So many twists, turns, and drops. So many opportunities to morph into a raging bitch (heh), but thankfully I leave the same way I started on my first day in 1992…

…just me… older, wiser, way more computer literate, integrity intact! and armed with a kick-ass Coach bag.

Here’s to the memories and friends I’ve made along the journey. What a strange and precious journey it’s been.


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The last two weeks have been crazy. Sort of like being on a rollercoaster against your will. I love rollercoasters, but imagine being on one for 24 hours a day. Every time I catch my breath on the way up, I know the next steep drop is just seconds away. Then, my eyes closed, hands clenched…my head is screaming.. “no! no. no. no….argh, no!!”

Terrible analogy, I know, but the only way to describe my new job.

I feel like I bit off more than I can chew. I had a meltdown of epic proportions last week (yes, tears too) and the weeks events have left me reeling. I’ve awakened each day to a headache and heartache I can’t get rid of. I haven’t eaten. I feel drained.

And then the thought occured to me that, even though this is all new to me and I should probably give myself a break for being the newbie, there is something else going on here. Something that won’t get better with knowledge, training, and time.

Perhaps my need to a new role was less about needing a change in my current tasks and more about a lifestyle change.

I know, great time to realize this. But I guess this is how things go sometimes.

Truth be told, I won’t say I made a mistake, but I will say I probably gave lip service to how this could alter my ever-confusing work/life balance. Looking big picture, I’m realizing that I am in need of an even bigger change that will take me away from my 18 years invested in the corporate environment. I wish I could say I don’t have to work at all, but there’s bills to pay unfortunately. That doesn’t mean our dual-income family can’t be tweaked.

And we will be tweaking.

So I don’t want to divulge to much yet, but I am working with S. to devise a plan that will benefit our family and put a lid on the madness. Both S. and I have been in career turmoil for some time, and there’s a point when you lose sight of the forest through the trees. That’s where we are.

As much as I would like to think that the changes I’ve made thus far are for the better, there’s no harm in acknowledging possible mistakes and re-evaluating.

As usual, life is subject to change….

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Step Two: Working it Out

My last post of 2010 was about taking chances.

Step one, letting the world know about our plans to complete our family via adoption.  And now… An even bigger step.

A new job.

It seems silly to equate my working life even close to that news, but this IS big news. I used my infertility as a crutch for far too many years when it came to work efforts.

I made excuses for not taking on new projects. I didn’t pursue promotions because I worried… “what if?..” what if I was cycling, pregnant, or recovering from miscarriage? What if I needed time off medically? I lived in a state of flux.  I limited my work travel because of ultrasound appointments and calendars. I decided that life was better on permanent hold because I just couldn’t see past the success or failure of my baby making efforts.

Six years of a holding pattern.

And then… The excuses faded away.

Comical, really. Because I could get “the call” at any time now. Tomorrow, next month, next year.

And I may be patient waiting for that call, but I can no longer wait for life to pass me by. I WANT to do more. I want to experience fulfillment in a place other than the places I’ve focused on over those years.

My first step into the unknown on the workfront was a failure.  I stuck my neck out. And I got burned. Or so I thought.

That job I pursued internally last fall (and didn’t work out) led me to another job. A job I liked even more. And guess what?

I got the job.

It’s scary, daunting, exciting, challenging, and it’s mine.

And I didn’t factor anything into my decision based on fear and the unknown. I based it on what will make me happy right now.  I am not looking past this month, this week, THIS DAY.

When I said I was jumping out of the box this year?

Yeah, I wasn’t kidding.

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Monsters Large and small

Since we are swiftly approaching All Hallows Eve, it seems like an appropriate time to talk monsters.

of the green-eyed variety and my monster friend who takes up residence in my closet.

You remember him, right?

On, Internets, it’s been a trying month.

First the backache from hell (which is still lurking around), and my husband’s crappy job situation, and then… well, I’ll explain.

You all know I don’t blog about work, and there is a reason I don’t. Working for such a large international company has its perks, but the downside is everyone knows someone who works for THE Company, and then there’s that pesky little non-disclosure I sign every year that says I will not reveal myself on the Internet or social networking dissing THE Company.

Needing the income and all, I oblige.

But OH, how it is drama-filled. Let’s just say I turned down a major (for sure) promotion in my area for a POSSIBLE new job in another area of THE Company which at the time I had only just started interviewing for…. I didn’t even know (still don’t) if I have the new job… but the risk-taker in me said…

Oh, what the hell! Nothing like jumping into the unknown without a safety net! And now that I have jumped I feel equal parts exhilarated and scared that I burned a bridge I can never go back over.

Then that unruly monster appeared in my head a few nights ago, and said “ARE YOU F’ING crazy woman?? You just turned down a sure thing for a 50/50 shot!!?”

And I’ve been beating that monster back into that damn closet ever since.

I still can’t believe I summoned the bravery to do it, but I still think I did the right thing.. even if everyone else does not.


Speaking of monsters, I have a sorta green-eyed rant about my dear celebrity co-infertile, Celine Dion.

I am happy she gave birth to her twins. I am happy she emerged on the other side with “her dream” after she went through so much.


I am a bit jealous and bitter. Why? Well, for the obvious reasons, but more so that MONEY played a major role in her “success”. She has bucks, LOTS of them, and she never once had to refinance her only home and drive her credit cards sky high to pay for infertility treatment.

So many of us have invested our entire savings in an endeavor that is a crap shoot, risking bankruptcy (and therefore often marriages and sanity) to achieve our dream.

Did I go to THE BEST clinic for my treatment? No, I couldn’t afford it.

Would I have kept going if I had unlimited funds? YES.

And that makes me sad. For me and for all of my sisters who, like me, had to give up treatment because of something as simple as a lack of funds.

Yes, Celine, you are VERY privileged.


aaaah, the world is complicated.


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