Run-on Sentence

This is not a post about grammar. Certainly not from a former business major.

I hate ambiguity. I hate 700 page books (although I read them anyway) because I want to rush to the end. I micro-manage my life to receive the biggest “bang for the buck”, in the least amount of time of course.  My usual mode is get from point A to point B.  It works for me.

My infertility journey, not so linear. Pretty much a never ending book.

My story is different than many that walked the path before me and alongside me.

There was no success, no “graduation”, no closing of a book in a defined timeline.  My journey ended with a big question mark followed by a …  as in, to be continued…  but for how long?

Some days I almost forget how I got here, and other days it hits me square in the face.  On the worst days I encounter a random event that feels much like a bandage being ripped off from a fresh wound.

A friend of mine is having a very complicated and extended ending to a miscarriage of sorts, similar to one of my losses years ago. It brings me back to a place I hate to go. Uncertainty, irony, sadness, anger, and impatience at the world. Oh, how I feel her pain.

Today is one of those days I am rolling in the muckity-muck. My heart feels raw for all of us that don’t get the happy endings and neatly wrapped gift… rather those of us who get the loosely wrapped present… paper ripped, tape falling off, bow askew. What the hell does one do with that mess?

For a long time I felt mad, and over the years I just could not shove it into the dark or bend the hurt and anger into something worthwhile. Sometimes when my guard was down, the feeling faded into the background, but it never really left. Just lurked out there, waiting. Unresolved.

I mean, my path is highly unusual. I get it. I have a son from some miracle of miracles and then the train went off the rails. Trust me, I know how fortunate I was.  Once.

But let’s get real- secondary infertility often drives odd judgement from others. I try to fly under the radar and brush the naysayers to the side.  I run into them often (and they are always fertile beings, ironically).

No, I am not always happy with what I have.  Does that make me a terrible human being?  No.  It means I am being truthful and allowing myself to feel the disappointment- and, without disappointment, the joys in life just don’t shine as brightly.

It’s okay really. But what stings the most is never knowing when “to be continued” turns into “The End.”

That sentence can be short, or painfully run on.

No ending in sight.

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The last two weeks have been crazy. Sort of like being on a rollercoaster against your will. I love rollercoasters, but imagine being on one for 24 hours a day. Every time I catch my breath on the way up, I know the next steep drop is just seconds away. Then, my eyes closed, hands clenched…my head is screaming.. “no! no. no. no….argh, no!!”

Terrible analogy, I know, but the only way to describe my new job.

I feel like I bit off more than I can chew. I had a meltdown of epic proportions last week (yes, tears too) and the weeks events have left me reeling. I’ve awakened each day to a headache and heartache I can’t get rid of. I haven’t eaten. I feel drained.

And then the thought occured to me that, even though this is all new to me and I should probably give myself a break for being the newbie, there is something else going on here. Something that won’t get better with knowledge, training, and time.

Perhaps my need to a new role was less about needing a change in my current tasks and more about a lifestyle change.

I know, great time to realize this. But I guess this is how things go sometimes.

Truth be told, I won’t say I made a mistake, but I will say I probably gave lip service to how this could alter my ever-confusing work/life balance. Looking big picture, I’m realizing that I am in need of an even bigger change that will take me away from my 18 years invested in the corporate environment. I wish I could say I don’t have to work at all, but there’s bills to pay unfortunately. That doesn’t mean our dual-income family can’t be tweaked.

And we will be tweaking.

So I don’t want to divulge to much yet, but I am working with S. to devise a plan that will benefit our family and put a lid on the madness. Both S. and I have been in career turmoil for some time, and there’s a point when you lose sight of the forest through the trees. That’s where we are.

As much as I would like to think that the changes I’ve made thus far are for the better, there’s no harm in acknowledging possible mistakes and re-evaluating.

As usual, life is subject to change….

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Class is in Session

While my latest blog post is still brewing in my head, I wanted to let you all know where I’ve been spending my time over the last week.

As I prepare for another school year with my son, I have two timely posts on this theme:

Click over to my review blog to read my latest book review from one of my favorite authors, Phillip Done. Phil is a third-grade teacher, and his newest book was just published, “Close Encounters of the Third Grade Kind- Thoughts on Teacherhood” is required reading for the start of this new school year.

Also check out my latest New Jersey Moms post, “The Lost Art of Handwriting”, where I pine over the potential extinction of handwriting in today’s cyber-charged world. I may be a blogger and technology geek in my day job, but I often love to abandon my keyboard for a pen and paper. Is handwriting going the way of the dinosaur?

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I am truly losing my mind.

In two weeks we leave for vacation in Hilton Head, South Carolina. Since it’s a beach vacation (and we are driving), packing is a little more complicated since there’s just stuff and gear that needs to go with us. And, the car we are driving down in this year is smaller, so S. is limiting my suitcases (he only wants to pack two for 8 days (3 people). The good news is there is a washer/dryer in our suite, but I hate to wash on vacation. And since we are packing light, we won’t bring any of the usual stuff (case of water, soda, snacks, paper goods, etc)- we’ll be spending our first day shopping at the Piggly Wiggly for groceries.

I have five lists for packing… mine, David’s, hubby’s, stuff to buy when we get there, and what to have in the car (things to keep David occupied for 12 hours and a cooler for the road).

Then there’s work, which has been slowing down a little thankfully… BUT I have to make arrangements and delegate some of my work while I am gone for two weeks. Timely in the fact that my manager and I just reorganized our support team and totally changed how and with whom they work…. once again bad timing but we are limited to making big changes in the “slow” months of the business…. which is now. Sucks to be me.

David’s 5th birthday is a week away. We decided to put off the party till June when we get back from vacation. But a party also involves PLANNING which I don’t have time for at the moment. Initially we wanted to invite some of his school friends, but then we found out his best friend’s party is the SAME DAY, and the invites already went out. So, he cried last night that he can’t go to his best friends party… and I just felt bad.

Wait, there’s more. I made my consult appointment at the RE, and honestly I am just cringing. I want to go, and I don’t want to go. It is just a weird place to be. Wanting to move forward, but scared to do ANYTHING. That’s a post for later.

If only the car was packed and we were on our way to vacation today…