She works hard for the money!

Where have I been? Well, not too far- honestly.

Been trying to do anything to keep my mind off of being worried. The good news is I don’t have to travel far- my work laptop is right beside my home computer and while you were perhaps having a restful long holiday weekend, I was busy working! A half-day of catch-up on Saturday, and one day of rest (Sunday). I figured Monday would be a slow day, but NOT… I felt like I was trapped in a whirlwind of deadlines and issues.

You see, my job security hinges on my ability to suck up extra work therefore making myself critical to the business. Hence, a chance of not getting laid off.

I know what you are thinking- I am clearly delusional. And in this corporate world crammed into a bad economy everyone is expendable. I get, I get it. I am merely racking up some good credits for later this month when I will take 3 sick days.

After all, I may be a workaholic, but I am not insane.

Yesterday (Tuesday) I did take a day off and went to see my stylist for a haircut and touchup. I love my stylist. I don’t even have to tell him what to do with my hair, he always has the best ideas. Yesterday’s idea… CUT IT OFF!! and so we did. Three inches in fact.

I feel lighter and quite happy. Not to mention I love being closer to my real strawberry-blonde hair color.

Then I went to Trader Joe’s and bought myself some flowers and a mint green tea to drink.

By the time I got home, I was peaceful.

Not a bad day!

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And time marches on

You know what stinks?

I am growing bored with my secondary infertility label. In fact, my lack in speaking about my upcoming donor cycle is directly related to the funk I am in.

I cleaned my Google Reader today. And I am a category lover, so it won’t surprise you that of the 250 or so blogs I follow, I have categories so I know what I am looking at.

One of my categories, which was full for years is “SIF/TTC” or “IF/TTC” (Secondary Infertility/Trying to Conceive and Infertility/Trying to Conceive). The joyful part is over the years there’s been a complete turnover. About 95% of my bloggy buddies passed through this category in my reader to “SIF/IF PG”, “IF/SIF Adopt”, “Off the Hamster Wheel For Good” (self-explanatory), or “Friends/Moms”.

I have just two blogs left in my SIF/TTC category. One is a newer friend, the other… a blogging buddy who started TTC#2 the same time I did and curiously has had 5 losses as well (what are the odds, friend?).

While I am genuinely happy for all my buds who passed onto the other side (a few after a quest much longer than mine), or chose another path after much consideration, -the fact remains that I am still stuck in the same place.

And I’m still licking my wounds.

And some days I am fine.

And some days I feel like my heart could drop out of my chest because it hurts so bad. I don’t want to reach the milestone of 5 years TTC. I just don’t.


Two weeks from today, I will be on vacation, far away from this situation… and honestly, it can’t come at a better time. I am just exhausted talking about it. I don’t want to talk about it.

So, just as a warning… my posts in the future specifically about what’s going on with the DE cycle may be non-existent, or erratic at best.

Right now, everything is fine. The Donor passed my litmus test I talked about here. Donor is getting her Day 3 u/s and labs done while I’m on vacation (we missed the window.. her consult/interview was on Day 6 so we had to wait a whole month… figures). Basically, I should know a lot more after Memorial Day when I get home. Perhaps a June calendar if we are lucky.

I have an appointment next week for another trial transfer, sonohysterogram, and new blood cultures (mine expired from the last time I had them drawn). S.’s bloodwork expired too, so he has to go in for a redraw.

My mammogram is due, and my Pap is due (which means another visit to the place I can’t stand).

Reminders that my journey just gets longer and longer.

For now, that is all. We now return you to regular programming.

Off the hook

Don’t stuff your face…
Face your stuff.

When I walked into W.eight Wat.chers in mid January I heard this phrase as part of the first meeting, and it was something that stunned me. Trust me when I tell you, it’s hard to be stunned at WW meetings.
How profound is that simple statement?

For those of us who have ever had an eating problem (or addiction of any sort), this is the root of it really. Emotions make us do whacked-out things.

Over the years, I have taken an introspective approach to my addiction of choice… food. I know why I am overweight. I know what it takes to lose weight. I just choose to do it or not do it.

The last five years had taken a toll on me physically. I was down on myself…. lower than the lowest I’ve ever been.

FAILURE is my trigger. FAILURE makes me sad, and worse… it makes me eat. Food won’t judge me like people judge me. Yes, it’s the oldest excuse in the book, but it is what makes me tick.

Sure, I wanted to change… but every pregnancy loss, every failed attempt at pregnancy, every job change and shift, illness, EVERY TIME I ran into a roadblock… my body revolted against me. I morphed into my own personal speed bump.

And anyone who has ever been in this dark place knows that it’s so goddamn hard to pick yourself up. Sometimes we rely on others to lift us up when we can’t. In the end, the buck stops with us. The reality is just as the phrase my Dad has always lived by…

“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get goin’!

Over the holidays I had an epiphany of sorts. Even IF I achieved all I wanted I would still be unhealthy in body, mind, and spirit. Let me tell you, hitting 40 was a major wake up call. I had pains I never had before. I felt slower. Things were just different.

I started to think about THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Yeah, heavy stuff.

I made pact with myself that day in January.
1. I will attempt to lead a healthier lifestyle.
2. I won’t berate myself for making mistakes along the way.
3. I will nurture ME.

So, how’s it been going? Even with the donor disappointment, and my work life on the verge of collapse I stuck to my pact. I feel the emotions, but I am not letting them control me. For the first time in my life.

I am treating myself well. I’m still doing WW, and happy to say as of yesterday, I’ve lost 30 pounds (still MANY to go.. don’t get too excited).
I am walking again.
I started reading again (a pastime I gave up, until I realized how much it soothed me).
I ate an entire cheese steak last week and felt no regret (hence, did not fall off the WW “wagon”).
I bought a pair of jeans in a size I have not worn in 10 years.
I made an appointment for a facial.
I now listen to music when I feel my blood pressure rising.
I let myself off the hook for my past.

And it feels good.

Hardly working

I have off from work today, which is a blessing since I have a monster headache.

I woke up, looked in the mirror, and scared myself to death looking at my roots. I so badly need my hair done. I had been putting it off since my stylist left town, and trying to decide who to see. I almost bought a box of DIY haircolor, but when I thought about it, I just couldn’t do it. So I made an appointment for Thursday with my “go-to guy” at my salon (he was the fill-in when my regular stylist was on vacation or leave). I like him, so I think I’ll just start seeing him. For my hair, that is.

We didn’t do very much over the holiday weekend. Went to a nice party at my brother’s on July 4th. His BIL rented a large, blow-up, mountainous waterpark for the kids, and David had a ball playing on it all afternoon. This thing was the size of a house. It had two slides, a rock wall and a waterfall. It looked like so much fun I pondered jumping on it myself.

The rest of the weekend it rained here. Yesterday, it was torrential downpours all day. So we made the most of it. Feet up on the recliners and a movie marathon.

…and now, it’s Monday. S. is at work, David at summer camp.

Just me and the dishes in the sink, and about 4 loads of laundry.

If only I could assign tasks to the cats. Lucky cats. They get to play and sleep while I’m sweating my ass off cleaning.

Where’s the fairness in that?