3rd Down and Long

Oh, I feel so unproductive on the infertility front. Since the August let-down, I’ve not even been keeping track of my cycle. Seriously.

The last two arrivals of AF are a merely a circle on the calendar.

And having this mini-break really has been…….. well……….. surprisingly okay.

This month marks the first month of YEAR FOUR in my secondary infertility challenge. It almost seems comical some days. Something so easy for most, but decidedly hard for me.

So where are we on the donor egg cycle? Well, my current objective is securing the cash. The stock market has taken the wind out of my sails, as my rainy day savings bucket is tied up in investments all of which are tanking at the moment. I refuse to pull money out of there, so we are looking at some other methods.

I am calling today to schedule our psych evaluations. I want to get as much pre-work out of the way before the holidays. I owe a bloodtest, and S. owes another SA sample at the lab since he hasn’t had a full work-up since last November.

But among these things, I am also curiously lazy at the moment.

I haven’t looked at the donor profiles yet.

I guess the crux of it is, once I am invested, I am in it all the way. Which means another possibility of failure. I am so sick and tired of failing. But I am willing to jump in one more time, because I know that this really is the last attempt.

Remember when I referred to my last IVF cycle as my “Swan Song” for my old and broken eggs?

Well, if that was the swan song, this is………. the “Hail Mary”.

My RE is the quarterback, my donor is the football, and I am the wide receiver. We are on our own 10 yard line (90 yards from a touchdown and the WIN), and about to throw the longest pass in infertility history.

It will either be the miracle catch in the end zone, an incomplete, or a dropped pass.

Are you sick of my analogies yet?

Good. Because I have about 100 more over the next couple of months.

Good? or really Good?

Well, there is a baby in there. See the grain of rice?

It’s measuring right on. Heartbeat not discernible(yet), Dr. P. wants me to come back next Friday for another scan. He said it’s a little too early to get a read on the heart. I thought I saw a flutter,(so did he) but it was not obvious. Then the conversation went like this:

Dr. P: “Michelle, this pregnancy looks really good.”
Me: “Good like, how? Are you just saying good because you don’t see a heart beat? Good like normal? Are you sugar coating?”
Dr. P: “I don’t sugar coat, by the facts I see here this looks good.”
Me: “So, it’s technically not really good until the next scan and it looks good then, right?”
Dr. P: “I know you are nervous. I am telling you that I see no negative signs at this time”
Me: “So that’s good, right?”

Obviously, since the measurements look good, I feel just a tiny bit of relief. I want the flutter to turn into an undeniable heart beat. I have to tell you, waiting another week will kill me, but for today… I am HAPPY.

and the winning number is….

Beta up over 6,000…. Nurse B. didn’t give me the actual number except to say that tomorrow will be the key, because at that level they should see what they need to see on u/s.

I was about to say that it’s (OMG! heart palpitations)not doubling, but before I opened my mouth she said 72-96 hours doubling is very good for HcG when it gets beyond 1,200.

It’s sorta like the lottery drawing… we will all gather ’round the u/s machine tomorrow morning at 8:45am…. and the fate of this pregnancy will be in stone.

I’m scared, because I feel the dark clouds closing in, and at the same time I am feeling tomorrow could be my lucky day. I just don’t know which way it will go.

The art of distraction

I took the day off blogging yesterday to ensure I was nowhere near the ability to surf and google. Granted, I still had my hands on a laptop…. my business one, but I managed to work the whole day hardly thinking about my status.

David spent the day with his Grandma, and after I brought him home he felt warm. By the time bedtime rolled around he had a 102 fever. Needless to say, I am like the walking dead this morning… S. and I were up all night tending to the boy. He has no other symptom except for the fever… is he getting sick? who knows.

I woke up this morning wondering what I was going to do with him, his fever had gone down after a few tylenol doses, but he was in no shape to go to school. So he’s at my Mom’s again.

After I dropped him off with his blankie, I made the usual trek to the RE’s office for blood draw #6. I suppose today’s results should indicate how well tomorrow’s u/s is going to go… until then, I am trying to keep busy and not worry.

It will be what it will be I guess.

Besides working, I have a ton of laundry to do and some filing that should fill the time when I’m not doing business.

and we wait.