Positivity will get you nowhere

Sorry I kind of disappeared there. I took some time off and found it really nice to not sit at my office desk at all since last Wednesday.

So, catching up… the surgery went fine but the result was disappointing. I had the D&E only to find out from my RE that he couldn’t locate the the tissue, so it was pretty much like going thru it all for nothing!

That’s right, the D&E was only the “D” part. I still don’t quite understand how he couldn’t “find” the pregnancy. It was there on the u/s the day before. His call was that he didn’t want to keep poking around and causing pain and potential complications. My uterus is in an unusual position from my previous c-section, blah, blah, blah.

Mind you, I had a sucessful D&E last year with no issues. Back when I actually still had a glimmer of patience.

I was so mad on the way home. I was trying to be positive hoping it would get me through this faster, and now I am back at square one. I have an u/s tomorrow to see what’s there, and to discuss what to do next. If I have to sit and wait around for a natural miscarriage I might lose my mind.

Is it me??? I swear. I just wanted to move on.

Meanwhile, I was having a lot of cramping (no bleeding)… enough to warrant three Advils at a time. Oh, and the antibiotic they gave me (Cipro) has my stomach in knots.

Topping that off was my hubby came down with some sort of sickness, and he’s been in bed for the last day. He spent so much time taking care of me I think I stressed him into illness.

The only bright spot in an otherwise beyond crappy weekend was my best friend drove down from North NJ with her hubby to spend some time with me, S., and David. It was a welcome break from a bad week.

Worst of all, I am back to work today. Work being the furthest thing from my mind.


Well, at least I got to visit the new Starbucks

Did you hear that?

That’s the old Shelli coming back in the room. Bitter and angry Shelli is gone for now.

For the first time since Friday I laughed.

I had a conversation with my bestest bud in the world (Steph, are you reading my blog today????) I can always count on her to make me laugh even in the darkest moments (and there’s been a few in the last 20 years). Thanks to you, my friend for always bringing me a good dose of reality and sunlight.

Well, S. went with me this morning to reconfirmation u/s #5 (I can’t wait to get the medical bills on this last episode). Saw Dr. P’s other partner, Dr. V. Dr. V delivered the bad news again, but it didn’t register the same amount of angst and sorrow it did on Friday. It was now just something to be done before surgery day.

He surprised us by not showing us the door after the scan, but asked S. and I to meet him in the consult room. So we did, and to my surprise I found him to be very informative. We talked about the surgery… obviously (no point in not responding to the elephant in the room), and then we talked about the future.

It’s interesting to get one doctor’s view and then another. Dr. V had never met me before today, but he took the time to read my whole history, ask questions and then he said the words I’ve been wanting to hear… “If you are ready to move on after this, I am ready to get aggressive in your treatment… the faster we get you pregnant, the faster we can get to you to your goal”.

And before even blinking an eye, S. and I said in unison…. “We’re ready”.

So after feeling like the world was ending, and questioning whether I am even on the right path, our WILL to have another baby seems unending. As long as the will remains, we will follow this as far as we can.

S. and I decided last night before we even walked into the office today that our journey is not over by a long shot.

So, I am counting the hours to 7am Thursday to put this particular pregnancy in the history books. Ready to move on, because that’s all I want to do.

I left the RE’s office, and to my surprise, the new Starbucks just opened down the street. I drove there and ordered a Venti Non-Fat Latte with a double shot of java.

Caffeine to cure the soul.

It tasted fabulous.


First of all, thank you all for your comments and emails. Your support is immeasurable.

I have to admit, I was pretty unraveled on Friday. It seems each time this happens, I am propelled into a place I don’t like to be and a strange place for me. I wanted to be alone. I did not answer the phone. I went to bed after I wrote the last post, and literally did not get up until Saturday. I cried for so long my eyes were swollen until Sunday. I was disappointed, yes, heartbroken, yes… but I had another reaction that surprised me.


I was mad. So mad. Angry. Pissed. Four miscarriages, FOUR!!! How could this kind of torment be bestowed upon someone like me? Why can’t this happen for me, when there are ungrateful mothers out there, mothers who abandon children, mothers who give away their babies?

And now, I am in the place I hate most… the inbetween time. When you still feel pregnant but know that the reality is there is yet another missing life that did not get a chance.

I am waiting for the RE’s office to call for my surgery time. I have another u/s tomorrow to reconfirm and D&E will probably be scheduled Thursday because of the holiday.

The D&E scares me, I admit it. I had my first one last April of 2006 (my 1st m/c at 11 weeks) and spending the day in a cold bed waiting to be put under is the worst feeling. My last experience wasn’t painful, it was just emotional torture.

And now I have to go back to the hospital once again, to the same floor, same procedure, same emotions. Where every doctor, nurse, anesthesiologist asks the same first question…. “what are you here for today?” I think I will just bring a flash card with D&E printed in 72 pt font and stick it on my head so they don’t remove my kidney or something.

To be honest, I don’t remember much of what Dr. P said after my u/s Friday. I sat in his office afterwards frozen, the only thing I was thinking about was driving two miles down the road to see S. at work and have him hold me.

Dr. P just shook his head in disbelief, as he reviewed my chart. He said he wanted to take the fetal tissue and do a genetic workup to see if there’s any explanation that would help explain what has gone wrong with my body since I had David in 2003.

I am not looking forward at the moment. In fact, I can’t see past this week at the moment. S. feels so out in left field, he just does not know what I am feeling and he himself is disappointed and desperate. It’s hard to stay positive when you keep getting knocked down. So hard.

What will we do????

It’s a question for another day I guess.

Must. stop. googling.

First of, thanks to all of you for your well wishes. I have had a lot of other sources of stress this week (other than the ongoing pregnancy saga), and it’s nice to come here for a little “uplifting” energy.

I am stressed, anxious, happy, worried, elated, and nervous. And, with some time, I can think of about 100 more adjectives to describe what I am feeling.

Outside of my blog readers, no one knows about all this commotion which is good and bad. With my past history of losses, I can’t even imagine when I will feel okay to talk about it. I long for the days when I was pregnant with David (in the first trimester) when I had no fear, and miscarriage was a word I was not familiar with. I just toodled along, dreaming of baby names and color combinations for the nursery. Innocent and unaware.

I guess Monday’s u/s will tell the tale, really. What can they see in a six week u/s anyway? I figure best case scenario is they see the two spots they are looking for (sac and fetal pole), and worst case they see just the sac, and schedule me for another u/s in a week because it’s still too early (a common phrase in the world of early u/s).

I would have felt better if they just said, “hey, let’s just wait one more week”, (7 weeks) and then we will know the ending or beginning to this tale with clarity.

So now I move on from one thing, to obsess about another.

Today, I am taking a break from Google.

I will not Google.
I will not Google.
I will not Google.

Sometimes it’s better to be blissfully unaware.