the impatient patient

Well, where to start….

I went in for my follow-up after the Cytotec protocol last week, and as usual…. good news and not so good news. Good news is my 7.5w gestational sac has finally given up it’s grip (who knew my uterus would be as stubborn as me). Most of tissue is gone, with a small amount still hanging around to mock me on the u/s.

Dr. V was on vacation (hopefully somewhere nice) so Nurse S did the u/s. I mentioned Dr. V called me yesterday at home, twice, over the last week…and she was surprised. But then she said Dr. V is a very concerned doctor, and how nice that he called me from vacation to check up on me. I guess that is very nice, and much different from my last doctor.

To which I was thinking, geez, maybe he’s being super attentive because he is praying that this miscarriage is over and done with because I’ve been a PIA patient. Not by my own fault. It just seems so odd that for a person that can’t stay pregnant, that it takes so frickin’ long to become un-pregnant (not a word, but you get the idea).

So, they want to see me back for… u/s #15-16? sigh, there’s been so many….. next Tuesday.

The good news is Dr. V will be back from vacation and I suppose we will get into the details of what happens next. He wants to jump right to injectables, but I am still hung up on wanting to know WHY I am having these miscarriages.

I have questions…. lots of them. I’ve been reading up on recurrent miscarriage and I would just feel better if he went over all my bloodwork again to see if there’s anything we missed. I feel like something HAS to be wrong. How could I have had no problems conceiving David 4 years ago and now be in the mess I am in?

I am in need of a plan. A serious plan.

But I also know that I may never know all the answers.

And, to a Type A personality like mine, this is the cruelest truth of all. I may never know.

an end in sight?

Update on my current fertility woes…

I started having some spotting yesterday, so I went in for another visit to the RE. Dr. V found via u/s that the “products of conception” where still hanging on….

so now we are moving on to Cytotec to get the miscarriage over. I do not have any experience with this (my previous m/c all ended with “completed” D&E’s unlike this debacle), so any of my IF buddies who have had meds to accelerate a miscarriage, please let me know your experience. Dr. V says I will feel like crap for two days essentially.

It’s two doses two hours apart, and he wants me to do it as soon as I get the script filled later this afternoon.

My pain threshold is pretty high, but I am a little concerned that I have a full workload tomorrow. Wondering if I should plan a sick day?

Clearly, I am unlucky in EVERY way

Do you think I will hold the record for the longest miscarriage wait? I didn’t mention yesterday, but I had yet *another* u/s which confirmed the fact that there has been no change from last week , or the week before, or the one before that.

I suppose this would be the very odd occasion where I might pray to the heavens to end this drama.

Could ya all do a sort of a “rain dance” for you know what?? I realize this is a very odd request (especially from my IF readers), but in order to start a new beginning….

I need an end.

Enough already

Another day, another u/s. Pregnancy still clear as day sitting there in my nether regions., refusing to budge. It’s as if the gestational sac is flipping me off on the screen.

Yes, this is not the way to end a pregnancy.

Dr. V says we now have to just “wait it out”. One, two, three weeks for the natural miscarriage…. unless there’s any sign of infection or trouble.

My mind now turns to more important matters, such as I have a business meetings coming up in Raleigh, NC and vacation in Disneyworld. I really don’t want to have to be dealing with an impending miscarriage or heavy cycle (which I KNOW is coming).

If I had to sum up my feelings today, I would say FRUSTRATION and helplessness.

So, after this passes, and the obligatory two cycle wait, I’ll be lucky if I can TTC again in October. That makes me cranky.

So what about the future?

The plan will be to move to injectables for a few cycles and skip the clomid, since Dr. V said that Clomid will likely not help me very much. The object will be to boost ovulation as much as possible in the hopes we catch one (or more) good eggs. If that doesn’t work, then straight to IVF.

I’ve been also having a slight meltdown with regards to my health insurance. My plan is 80/20, so I’m stuck with 20% of the costs for everything. Today was u/s #7 and every time I go back it’s like you can hear the cash register “CHA-CHING!” I am worried that the bills are starting to come in, and that this may be just a small part of what we will be up against in the coming months with what we have planned. To say I am sort of freaking out about money is an understatement at the moment.

I had a horrible day back to work yesterday. I couldn’t even muster the strength to get through my e-mail, and then I found out that I am taking on some of my old work I thought I gave up when I was promoted into my new role… So, I will be back to working two jobs again essentially. For the first time in my professional career I am scared that I can’t do it all. That all of this stress and family commitments, work, TTC, etc is just inches from blowing up in my face. I’ve always prided myself with being an outstanding employee, and I have been a terrible one lately.

I am not wired for failure (I always believed that), but how can I stay positive? It always came so easy to me, I would fall and get right back up. For the first time in my life I just want to lay down.

This is a path I have not traveled before. It’s a little scary.