The most boring post ever written

It’s Monday, which is the day of the week I hate most. S. is off to work at 6:30am. I can’t barely wake up on Mondays (especially when I had one too many margaritas on Sunday), David can’t get moving either on Mondays. He usually sleeps on the recliner while I shuffle in the kitchen, making his lunch, getting his clothes together, getting myself together…

Today was one of those mornings where you find it better to go back to bed and hide rather than face the realities of the day.

I drove little guy to his school, and bought a coffee, only to take a sip halfway home and find that they put SUGAR in it… which I HATE. Then, I round the corner to home in the car and surprise! the road is closed. I am a mere 750 yards from my street when friendy policeman says…. “sorry, road closed, you have to turn around.” “But I live right there!!!” And I am forced to drive in a circle for 4 miles to get to the other side of the road where my house is when I can practically SEE IT from where I was stopped.

I have a dentist appointment this morning. I don’t mind the dentist, but I am not motivated to go there today.

I have 62 unread e-mails from Friday, and I wonder if my co-workers are robots, because THEY NEVER stop working. Damn cyborgs.

And did I mention I still have no symptoms of this impending miscarriage? I have another u/s tomorrow for the Dr, to look and say, “gee, this should have started by now.” Meanwhile, I’ve been reading up on recurrent m/c, and I am growing concerned that something really not right is the cause of my bad luck. My mind is reeling with a recent book I read that talks about the ties between the immune system and recurrent loss. I feel like bringing my books to the RE tomorrow, and telling them I want more testing in that area.

At the same time, I am soooo tired. so tired.

an A HA! moment, as Oprah would say

I’ve been thinking of writing this post for ages.

Actually, long before my most recent personal event, I’ve spent many evenings awake at night pondering the topic of Secondary Infertility. (which I will refer to in this post as SI, for short).

First of all, before I get into the meat of what I want to say… I do not want to alienate or offend my readers who are dealing with primary infertility. We all have individual battles, and each of us is just as important as the next.

That being said, I am completely dumbfounded at the lack of real, detailed, specific data and support for those of us suffering from secondary infertility. At the beginning of this year, I started researching this topic, as well, recurrent miscarriage as part of secondary infertility.

Yes, I found lots of infertility sites. Lots of resources for the “primary infertile”…. articles, data, and support. When I searched on those same sites for “secondary infertility” I found usually one article that was purely put there as a footnote describing only the definition of SI, and lip service to where to go for resources or support.

The truth is, these predicaments are really very different in some ways. Sure, there are many emotions shared in general, but there seems to be slightly different emotions when you call out secondary infertility. Not to say one is more important than the other… they are not. But there is a helplessness and grief component that manifests itself much differently when you’ve had a child and can’t conceive or give birth to another. It’s not worse, it’s just different.

Couple the topic “secondary infertility” and “recurrent miscarriage” as part of the equation and you get even less info if at all.

I searched on Amazon. They have thousands and thousands of books, right? If anything is published, it’s there 99% of the time. You would think it would have at least a dozen or more books on the subject.

I found ONE book on Amazon, (which was out of reprint btw).

Last week, I called all the major hospitals and health centers in my area looking for a support group. I live near a major US city, so you would think that there would be all kinds of support groups for secondary infertility, right?

I did not find even one. I called a larger group advertised in my newspaper with the description “Infertility Support” and spoke to one of the leads, who informed me that their discussions/members tend to focus on traditional infertility and adoption. Most of the people in this group “are childless” she noted, or in the process of adoption.

Ok, so I am evidently not welcome there. My bad.

Look, I’m sure there are plenty of support orgs that are accepting of all variations of infertility, but at the end of the day… how uncomfortable would it be to participate in a support group knowing a few of its members may not really want you there? How do you meld into a group of people feeling confident you aren’t being judged?

Even RESOLVE, a nationwide infertility association has just one page regarding secondary infertility. Where I retrieved this quote:

Even though secondary infertility has a higher prevalence rate than primary infertility, couples are far less apt to seek treatment for this condition. When their first child is conceived with ease, many couples are caught completely off guard by the difficulty of having a second child because they hold the belief that past fertility insures future fertility.

and this…

Sadly, couples with secondary infertility tend to receive less social support from others than couples who have primary infertility because the infertility is unacknowledged, the pain associated with infertility is invisible as the couple has a child, and there is no concrete loss in the family. In addition, couples experiencing secondary infertility may be recipients of criticism by others who think they should be grateful for one child and that it is foolish to go to extremes to increase family size. Of course, a couple can be extraordinarily thankful for their existing child and still long for more children.

Sigh. True words.

I feel like a puzzle piece that doesn’t fit anywhere.

I am Googled out, and have come to the conclusion that if millions of women are experiencing this in their lives, where are the resources? Where in the world do these women and their partners go to connect? Where are the positive stories for those who experienced SI?

I have to tell you, when I stumble on a blog and meet someone in my shoes, I get so excited that I found someone else that can relate to what I am going through. I bookmark these blogs, and every day I find at least one more. There is a community out there probably itching for info and support.

So I have this idea. An idea to create an on-line community for secondary infertility. A place for connecting, sharing, and information. Because at the very least, I know the despair and the feelings around this more than anyone. There ought to be a place for women to go where they are not an afterthought.

I’m getting together some ideas on content, so if any of my readers (currently experiencing SI or BTDT) want to throw in some suggestions, I would appreciate it. Obviously, I am in the early stages. But I welcome ALL suggestions.

And, if you are a seasoned web developer that wants to help out (gratis of course…) please contact me.

More to come….

Enough already

Another day, another u/s. Pregnancy still clear as day sitting there in my nether regions., refusing to budge. It’s as if the gestational sac is flipping me off on the screen.

Yes, this is not the way to end a pregnancy.

Dr. V says we now have to just “wait it out”. One, two, three weeks for the natural miscarriage…. unless there’s any sign of infection or trouble.

My mind now turns to more important matters, such as I have a business meetings coming up in Raleigh, NC and vacation in Disneyworld. I really don’t want to have to be dealing with an impending miscarriage or heavy cycle (which I KNOW is coming).

If I had to sum up my feelings today, I would say FRUSTRATION and helplessness.

So, after this passes, and the obligatory two cycle wait, I’ll be lucky if I can TTC again in October. That makes me cranky.

So what about the future?

The plan will be to move to injectables for a few cycles and skip the clomid, since Dr. V said that Clomid will likely not help me very much. The object will be to boost ovulation as much as possible in the hopes we catch one (or more) good eggs. If that doesn’t work, then straight to IVF.

I’ve been also having a slight meltdown with regards to my health insurance. My plan is 80/20, so I’m stuck with 20% of the costs for everything. Today was u/s #7 and every time I go back it’s like you can hear the cash register “CHA-CHING!” I am worried that the bills are starting to come in, and that this may be just a small part of what we will be up against in the coming months with what we have planned. To say I am sort of freaking out about money is an understatement at the moment.

I had a horrible day back to work yesterday. I couldn’t even muster the strength to get through my e-mail, and then I found out that I am taking on some of my old work I thought I gave up when I was promoted into my new role… So, I will be back to working two jobs again essentially. For the first time in my professional career I am scared that I can’t do it all. That all of this stress and family commitments, work, TTC, etc is just inches from blowing up in my face. I’ve always prided myself with being an outstanding employee, and I have been a terrible one lately.

I am not wired for failure (I always believed that), but how can I stay positive? It always came so easy to me, I would fall and get right back up. For the first time in my life I just want to lay down.

This is a path I have not traveled before. It’s a little scary.

Positivity will get you nowhere

Sorry I kind of disappeared there. I took some time off and found it really nice to not sit at my office desk at all since last Wednesday.

So, catching up… the surgery went fine but the result was disappointing. I had the D&E only to find out from my RE that he couldn’t locate the the tissue, so it was pretty much like going thru it all for nothing!

That’s right, the D&E was only the “D” part. I still don’t quite understand how he couldn’t “find” the pregnancy. It was there on the u/s the day before. His call was that he didn’t want to keep poking around and causing pain and potential complications. My uterus is in an unusual position from my previous c-section, blah, blah, blah.

Mind you, I had a sucessful D&E last year with no issues. Back when I actually still had a glimmer of patience.

I was so mad on the way home. I was trying to be positive hoping it would get me through this faster, and now I am back at square one. I have an u/s tomorrow to see what’s there, and to discuss what to do next. If I have to sit and wait around for a natural miscarriage I might lose my mind.

Is it me??? I swear. I just wanted to move on.

Meanwhile, I was having a lot of cramping (no bleeding)… enough to warrant three Advils at a time. Oh, and the antibiotic they gave me (Cipro) has my stomach in knots.

Topping that off was my hubby came down with some sort of sickness, and he’s been in bed for the last day. He spent so much time taking care of me I think I stressed him into illness.

The only bright spot in an otherwise beyond crappy weekend was my best friend drove down from North NJ with her hubby to spend some time with me, S., and David. It was a welcome break from a bad week.

Worst of all, I am back to work today. Work being the furthest thing from my mind.