Off the hook

Don’t stuff your face…
Face your stuff.

When I walked into W.eight Wat.chers in mid January I heard this phrase as part of the first meeting, and it was something that stunned me. Trust me when I tell you, it’s hard to be stunned at WW meetings.
How profound is that simple statement?

For those of us who have ever had an eating problem (or addiction of any sort), this is the root of it really. Emotions make us do whacked-out things.

Over the years, I have taken an introspective approach to my addiction of choice… food. I know why I am overweight. I know what it takes to lose weight. I just choose to do it or not do it.

The last five years had taken a toll on me physically. I was down on myself…. lower than the lowest I’ve ever been.

FAILURE is my trigger. FAILURE makes me sad, and worse… it makes me eat. Food won’t judge me like people judge me. Yes, it’s the oldest excuse in the book, but it is what makes me tick.

Sure, I wanted to change… but every pregnancy loss, every failed attempt at pregnancy, every job change and shift, illness, EVERY TIME I ran into a roadblock… my body revolted against me. I morphed into my own personal speed bump.

And anyone who has ever been in this dark place knows that it’s so goddamn hard to pick yourself up. Sometimes we rely on others to lift us up when we can’t. In the end, the buck stops with us. The reality is just as the phrase my Dad has always lived by…

“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get goin’!

Over the holidays I had an epiphany of sorts. Even IF I achieved all I wanted I would still be unhealthy in body, mind, and spirit. Let me tell you, hitting 40 was a major wake up call. I had pains I never had before. I felt slower. Things were just different.

I started to think about THE REST OF MY LIFE.

Yeah, heavy stuff.

I made pact with myself that day in January.
1. I will attempt to lead a healthier lifestyle.
2. I won’t berate myself for making mistakes along the way.
3. I will nurture ME.

So, how’s it been going? Even with the donor disappointment, and my work life on the verge of collapse I stuck to my pact. I feel the emotions, but I am not letting them control me. For the first time in my life.

I am treating myself well. I’m still doing WW, and happy to say as of yesterday, I’ve lost 30 pounds (still MANY to go.. don’t get too excited).
I am walking again.
I started reading again (a pastime I gave up, until I realized how much it soothed me).
I ate an entire cheese steak last week and felt no regret (hence, did not fall off the WW “wagon”).
I bought a pair of jeans in a size I have not worn in 10 years.
I made an appointment for a facial.
I now listen to music when I feel my blood pressure rising.
I let myself off the hook for my past.

And it feels good.

Update from the Sick house

“Sick” as in illness, not “totally rad” (hey, I’m an 80’s girl) or, what is it that the new generation defines sick? Like, awesome? phat? solid? fischnizzle?

Yeah, I’m SO not cool. Don’t torture me.

So, S. is still sick, but marginally better so he’s back to work. I am working (sorta), if you consider bringing my laptop to bed working. Or, the hour-long power naps I’ve been taking, oh…. every other HOUR.

I’ve had ear pain. Head congestion. A cough that rattles so bad it could wake the dead.

And David? Well, he’s just fine. How we managed not to infest him with the germs is beyond me, although lately I HAVE been toting my can of lysol around the house.

In MILESTONE news, David lost two teeth!!

His bottom front two teeth fell out on New Year’s eve and last Sunday. If I was feeling better, I would post a pic, but, alas, I am not in the mood for uploading from my camera.

Let it be known that David has noted that the Tooth Fairy is cheap for only leaving him 3 dollars for each tooth (he wanted $10!).

And so goes the last week of the first week of 2009.

The First Day

Today was David’s first day of Kindergarten.

It started off great. He had his backpack and was ready to go:

He was excited to get on the bus.

I hopped in the car and drove to school, to meet his bus and partake in the Kindergarten Parenting Tradition of pictures in the gym.

He had that weary look on his face, with all of the parents buzzing around and the commotion, but with a kiss on the forehead he was off to his classroom.

A couple parents and myself stalked in the hallway, and as I zoomed in out of sight with my camera, I saw him crying silently at his desk, with his hands over his eyes. Not a day in the last four years of daycare, preschool, and pre-K, did David ever cry at school.

It broke my heart, and I wanted to reach out to him but I knew I shouldn’t. As the teachers sat the kids at their seats, the assistant whispered something to David and he seemed to come around.

I lurked in the hallway until the principal encouraged us (gently) to leave. Three moms and I walked out with tears in our eyes.

I’m sure he’s fine, and it was a case of the nerves getting the best of him… being in a new environment around new people. I remember my first day of school, and what a mixture of emotions. Happy, sad, scared, excited.

But after the events of the last few days it was a lot of tears shed from my end… all the way driving home, and salty tears hitting the keyboard as I type this.

My baby is a big boy now.