Scared to lose

It’s good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.

I heard this quote, on of all things, the TV show Grey’s Anatomy. It was so interesting, I scribbled it in the margin of a magazine on the side table as I watched the episode.

A couple days later, I saw the scribbled words as I got together all the old magazines and newspapers on recycling day. I tore off the cover with the quote on it and placed it on my desk.

I’ve been staring at this quote all morning and pondering why I found it so interesting.

Through many of my trials and tribulations in the last couple of years, one thing I’ve carried in my backpocket has been faith.

Faith that our luck would change.
Faith that better days were ahead.
Faith that my family and I can overcome the challenges that come our way.

Fear is a component of my life that comes and goes. I don’t live my life in constant fear, thank goodness, but when the fear creeps up it’s hard to shake. Sometimes the fear is like a vice grip, slowly squeezing the life out of you. Or a cat in a dark alley ready to pounce. But it never appears in the same way.

When I think of my life in its totality, I feel lucky. I have S. and David. I have family and friends who I love to pieces. I make a decent living. I live in a modest house and have food on the table. I laugh (mostly, lol).

My Dad always used to say to me (still does), being scared is reserved for situations of the utmost importance. Death, for example. Anything else isn’t worthy of being scared about.

That’s easy for him to say.

So maybe it’s not about being scared that I will never have another child. Perhaps it’s just the fear of losing more.

You know that old adage about “it’s not the destination, it’s the journey?” Well, if you don’t ever make it to your destination, how many of us will live in the moment during the journey? Remember it? Cherish it?

Or even if we do get to the destination…. does it make the journey more special, or just a mish-mash of stuff that got us from Point A to Point B?

After I really thought about this phrase I kept on my desk, it dawned on me that I was scared. Scared to face the death of a dream. The dream that I can’t bear to lose.

A fellow SIF blogger blogged about this topic awhile ago, about getting to the END. The last chance at catching the star you’ve been reaching for for so long.

Because of my (ahem) advanced maternal age, I don’t have the luxury of doing IUI after IUI and gazillions of IVF attempts. It seems odd that I only went to the RE for my first visit 10 months ago, on my 39th birthday… and how quickly the urgency appeared.

The reality is I have a couple shots at this. 2 or 3 IUI’s with injectibles at the most, and two (insurance covered) IVF attempts.

In four to five months, if none of this works, I could reach the end of everything.

Perhaps it’s the hormones coursing though my body, but for today, I admit. I am a wee bit scared.

The flip side

Celebrities lead lives so foreign to most of us. Most of the time we sit back and read the gossip mags and websites and imagine how easy they have it. Money, beauty, power…. all things in one package.

I’ll be the first to admit, lately, when I hear of a pregnant celeb, I automatically think it must have been so easy for them. Why wouldn’t it be? Their lives (on the surface) seems to shine perfection 24/7.

And who in the celebrity world ISN’T pregnant nowadays? Notice the celebs who get the most exposure? The young ladies (especially the under 21 crowd), and the older ladies (by OLDER, I mean MY AGE bracket…. 37-43). Because being young and pregnant or old and knocked up is news.

From their airbrushed feet to their noses. Sheer perfection.

Addicted to drugs, history of drug abuse? For some reason, the fertility gods love addicts. Poof! Pregnant.

Unattached, single, on the prowl? An OOPS baby? Oh, they love them too.

And they go on to have healthy pregnancies. And we marvel at the publicity shots (in which EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. shows said celeb on the red carpet holding their gigantic tummy. Which makes a woman like me shake my head in disgust and fist in the skies….proclaiming…. WHY? WHY?

Ok, not that overly dramatic, but you get the idea.

To be realistic, it’s doubtful that the gods favor celebrities over me. At least I hope they don’t. (even though my own personal track record is troubling as of late).

But we never hear the flip side of the perfect life of a celeb. The power entertainment shows and magazines won’t report on it… because there’s nothing flashy about infertility treatment and the highs and lows. Why, it’s practically a snoozefest for them.

Which is why I am sharing an article with you that I stumbled on over the weekend.

Taking the Long Way Home is the story about the different roads taken by each of the members of the band The Dixie Chicks to become moms. One easy, two not very easy at all. Finally, celebs willing to admit that they are just like us.

Broken internal plumbing, warts, and all.

No airbrushing allowed.