6dp3dt

If I was an impatient person, I’d be testing by now.

Actually, I am impatient (in mostly all things) but when it comes to HPT’s I am not. I like to live blissfully unaware. Why? Because it means more days of being hopeful. That’s some serious psychological bullshit, but it suits me.

Can we talk about symptoms? Because I’ve had many (which started a couple days ago), but the one thing I haven’t factored into the situation is the meds I am still on.

I am taking Crinone Gel and Estrace. I don’t have previous experience with either, so I am afraid any symptoms I have are from the meds, not a pregnancy. I’ve been terribly bloated, and mildly crampy, headachey, and pretty much in biotch mode.

So I guess my previous method of knowing I AM or I AM NOT will not work in this situation.

Which circles me back around to testing.

Waaaaay back in 2002, when I was first cycling I had an internet friend (Hi Natalie!) and we were the ANTI POAS’ers. While our internet buds gleefully started testing on 3dpo, we would literally wait until after AF was scheduled to arrive. Which meant we saved a lot of $$$ on tests. I guess it helped that we had a regular LP (Luteal Phase), because this doesn’t work unless you are consistent.

Anyway… that was a tangent there. My point is, I am considering breaking out some HPT’s over the weekend. Beta day is Monday, and I might wait. Geez, I don’t know. I guess I’ll take it day to day.

I can tell you that if the symptoms disappear, then I will test to put myself out of misery.

I hate this part.

4dp3dt

Thank you for your support yesterday. I’ve been feeling a little hyper-sensitive to everything lately, and yesterday was the smack in the face I knew might be coming, but I tried to ignore.

I feel better about things today, and not about to let a little bump in the road derail the process. The fact is, I know deep down that these embies are much better inside me than in a petri dish in the lab. So, I will continue to root for Faith, Hope, and Charity to hang on.

So here we are, 4dp3dt. I’m feeling… eh, okay I guess. Here’s the thing abut being a recurrent miscarrrier… I know pregnant like nobody’s business.

I’ve been pregnant 6 times now (ain’t that a laugh), and I know every little signal of being pregnant. Yep, I’m a veteran so to speak, and in this realm of the 2WW, I know TOO MUCH for my own damn good. Hell, the last two pregnancies I didn’t even need to test. Which is harder I think, because I can’t be fooled.

As you might imagine, today commences “symptom watch” and… except for some heaviness in the uterine area, nothing worth mentioning at the moment.

This morning I went for my obligatory progesterone check at the RE, and the nurse reminded me to take it easy. I plan to, but here’s the thing that might just drive me to the edge over the next week…. I’m not working (remember? my company sabbatical?). So I don’t even have work as a diversion. This should be fun.

Oh, and did I mention my beta date?

September 1st, one week from today… Labor Day.

Kind of ironic, no?

And then there were none

None of my remaining 9 embryos made it to freeze. Not even one.

I am trying to remain optimistic… that there is at least one good one from the three that are inside me.

But honestly, I feel like I was just sucker-punched. I half expected it, it just hurts to know this cycle really will be my swan song.

Sigh.

Notes from Bed

That title could have a double-meaning, couldn’t it?

So it’s not even been 24 hours on bed rest yet for this first IVF cycle, and I am already reaching my full of TV, magazines, and playing with the cats. Thank the lord for the Internet. I’ve had more time to read and comment than I’ve had in the last month.

Kim asked if I have named the three embryos currently setting up vacancy in my womb. Now, you all know that I suffer from “superstitionosis” (yeah, I made up that word). Meaning, I feel like I am playing chicken with the devil giving these embryos an identity early on. I’ve not done it in the past with my miscarriages, but then I remembered we used to call David “Peanut” early on, so I thought why not buck tradition and walk under that ladder today? lol.

Then I saw a comment from Janis yesterday that suggested Gucci, Fendi, and Prada. Kudos Janis. I like your thinking. Sorta goes with the theme of my blog? But ok, it is a little pretentious…

Another friend suggested the Three Amigos, which I liked but lacked a distinction between any individual embryos.

Thinking in bed last evening, my mind started to wander to the common themes though my secondary infertility journey.

Hope.

Hope is a recurring message on this blog. I talk about it a lot, and even though Hope and I have had a precarious relationship over the years, I still find myself clinging to it. Rebeccah commented a few days ago: “when you catch sight of hope peeking around the door, grab her and yank her in for a cup of tea! Read her stories, rub her feet, convince her to stay. She’s darn good company.” Rebeccah, you hit the nail on the head.

Faith.

Faith is the driver that keeps me on the path. The path sure has been winding, but it’s a feeling at the core of my soul that this journey is far from over.

Charity.

I would most certainly not be here in this state of mind today if not for the kindness of others. My blogging friends have pulled me back from that ledge numerous times now. I am thankful to have people in my life real or virtual that have proven to me that I don’t exist in a vacuum. I thrive with others.

So, Hope, Faith, and Charity it is. My three little embryos.