Random Thoughts

U/S and blood draw was this morning, and I’m down to just two lead follies (one on each side….. a little less exciting than last cycle) 16×15 and 15×15. Another check on Friday, and possible IUI Saturday or Monday.

Did you watch American Idol last night? It was my hometown (Philly) night, and I am now convinced that I live in the land of crazies and crack whores. Most of the people that got through to the next round weren’t even from Philadelphia. Am I going to do another season of weekly AI posts here when the finals start? Hmmmmmm… I don’t know, I’ll have to see if the mood strikes me.

Work…. has been heinous. I am working myself into the ground, all while surfing job postings. I’ve decided I need a change.

I started walking two weeks ago as a means to get healthier and lose weight while I am in infertility hell. Yesterday, I almost had a heart attack when a neighbors dog (tied to a tree… don’t get me started) lunged at me as I walked by and almost cracked its neck. That’s the second time in two weeks that I had a dog incident. Now I know why people use treadmills. It’s not always safe on the mean streets of the Jersey suburbs.

It’s 3 weeks to my 40th birthday (Feb. 2nd). Sigh.

Monday, Monday

Every other day, every other day
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
A-you can find me cryin’ all of the time

I’m feeling a little on the yuck side today. No, I’m not sick (at least I hope I’m not getting sick). I’m just feeling…. I don’t know… that kind of BLAH. Where nothing is very colorful, and nothing is exciting or even interesting.

Even my coffee doesn’t taste good today. That’s really a travesty!

I’m avoiding work today. It’s a mixture of just being a little burnt out lately, and the fact that it dawned on me that I may have to make a very important decision as to where my career is going in the next month. You see, January is “clean-up” month around my organization. We do yearly reviews, wrap up projects, talk about the coming year directions, and we have the “career” discussions.

So my boss fills me in on some changes coming down the road and offers me a slightly different direction (based on a huge acquisition coming on). After which I can hear the clock ticking down. The decision clock.


I can either stay in the general area/job role I’m currently in -OR- leave the organization and go to a new division/new job.

As you know, I knew this decision was coming. I was dreading it. Because as you might imagine, my infertile status has pretty much driven my career over the last two years… playing the “what-if” game. What if I am, what if I’m not. What if I have to travel more? What if a new manager doesn’t like the fact that I am pursing an important personal goal that limits my schedule??

Reasons to stay put with my same manager is I don’t have to reexplain my status… but the “different direction” is still essentially the same job. I have to work my ass off, but I can pop on and off the radar at will with the blessing of my manager. However, I am hating this job. Well, hate is a strong word. I don’t like it anymore… it’s tedious, boring.

A new job would be invigorating, but the downside is I can lose the support of my management with the infertility stuff. I could end up traveling more. The job may end up less stressful, but I wouldn’t know in what ways that would manifest. I would be a newbie again, and have to prove myself again.

Having said that, if I wasn’t in infertility hell, I would take a new job, hands down. It would be an easy decision. I’ve been ready to go a totally different route since this time last year when I was promoted.

I’m bitter. I’m bitter and pissed that my infertility has seeped into my work. And any decisions I make are based on it. Compartmentalizing isn’t working anymore. I need to find a happy medium… and I am sooooo far from it. F&^K!!

In other news, it’s Stim Day 5 here (didn’t that go fast?) and I am a little ahead this cycle in terms of follie size, so not sure what that means at the moment. I guess depending on my bloodwork from this morning, they may tweak my dose. I had two lead follies on the left, and three on the right… all similar in size and larger than this point last cycle.

Oh Monday, Monday…

Day Three

I had my baseline u/s today and was given the all clear to start injections again tonight. No cysts, thank goodness. Lining thinned out to appropriate level. I’m following the same protocol as last month (150 IU of Gonal-F) since my stats were so pretty. Of course, nice stats don’t equal a pregnancy so they can’t be that great.

The only snag I ran into preparing for this cycle was the meds. Or I should say the accessories to the meds. I got my new shipment of meds yesterday sans syringes and tips for IM injection. So I called the Speciality Pharmacy Unit to ask if they would please send more (I have some left over from last cycle but not enough since they shorted me the first time). The asked me why, and THREE times I proceeded to tell them, yes, I have the Gonal-F vials and Sub-q needles, but I can’t use the ones that come in the box. I need IM. Three “specialty pharmacist specialists” (say that ten times fast) later it finally dawns on them what I am asking for.


On the upside, my RE was willing to let me coast of 4 days of stims and come in on Monday instead of hoofing it to the faraway office over the weekend for my check-in. That makes me happy.

Better the second time around?

And so starts another cycle.

Thanks you guys, for your comments yesterday and e-mails. Who commented that I sounded sad but not devastated? It think it was you MM, and you are pretty dead on.

I am ok about it. Sad and bitter, but ok.

Because, in the world of IF a new cycle starts the beginning of a new chance. And, really, what’s better than living your life in two-week increments?? Yes, sarcasm indeed.

So, Thursday marks another Day 3 scan and bloodwork and the start of the dreaded IM injections. Actually, I lie. The injections are not that bad at all. S. is now an injection whiz, and I have it down to a science, really. At least they make me feel like I am working towards something, which is a good mind diversion.

It also helps to get moving onto a new cycle before the bills come in for the previous one. lol.

Sigh… I don’t know guys. It’s been 2 1/2 years of this rollercoaster. Maybe I need a Plan B.

Actually, Plan B is IVF, so maybe I need a Plan C.