Quick and painless

I don’t know why I was nervous about the IUI, but I was.

In reality, it was the easiest thing ever.

Probably the most stressful part of the day was getting the ‘swimmers’ to the lab at the RE’s, and then wondering if we screwed up on S. abstaining too long/not long enough. In the end, his post-wash motile count was great. Doctor P used the words, “excellent” to describe it, and that was a welcome relief

After some mandatory relaxing on the table post-IUI, I was done.

Doc P recommended ‘relations’ (bwahahaha) this evening just to be sure we cover our bases. And by this time tomorrow, I will be in the first 2WW since last Spring.

Finally, another hurdle cleared.

Thanks to you all for checking in on me and all my buddies coming out of the woodwork to wish me luck. It really means a lot to me, you guys rock!!

Let’s roll

My body decided to go into overdrive since yesterday… Doctor called me last night and told me to come in this morning… that I might be ready to go. I’ve got three mature lead follies…. 20×16, 19×18 and another 20×17… if I remembered the measurements right.

E2 zoomed up, and my LH started rising so we trigger today and IUI tomorrow.

Think good thoughts for me.

What’s cookin’ baby

Another trip to the RE for more bloodwork and an u/s. Progress has been steady. E2 from the last draw was up to 585 (that was as of Monday…don’t know yet what today’s result is but Doc liked the rise so far), and the same follicles are bigger (with some addt’l catching up). Four clocking in @ 14, two @ 15, and two @ 16. Lining looking good too. Look like we just need a smidge more growth… I think they are looking for the lead follicles to get to 18. It seems all the doctors have a different spin on when is the right time to trigger depending on a bunch of factors. All I know is they are happy with the path I’m on, and that is OK with me.

I am to report on Friday morning for the next regular follie scan. I’ll be bringing along my Ovidrel for the trigger shot just in case on Friday/Saturday. IUI may be Saturday at earliest OR Xmas Eve, depending on the next scan.

For now, we wait.

I feel like a crockpot on simmer. lol.

Scared to lose

It’s good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.

I heard this quote, on of all things, the TV show Grey’s Anatomy. It was so interesting, I scribbled it in the margin of a magazine on the side table as I watched the episode.

A couple days later, I saw the scribbled words as I got together all the old magazines and newspapers on recycling day. I tore off the cover with the quote on it and placed it on my desk.

I’ve been staring at this quote all morning and pondering why I found it so interesting.

Through many of my trials and tribulations in the last couple of years, one thing I’ve carried in my backpocket has been faith.

Faith that our luck would change.
Faith that better days were ahead.
Faith that my family and I can overcome the challenges that come our way.

Fear is a component of my life that comes and goes. I don’t live my life in constant fear, thank goodness, but when the fear creeps up it’s hard to shake. Sometimes the fear is like a vice grip, slowly squeezing the life out of you. Or a cat in a dark alley ready to pounce. But it never appears in the same way.

When I think of my life in its totality, I feel lucky. I have S. and David. I have family and friends who I love to pieces. I make a decent living. I live in a modest house and have food on the table. I laugh (mostly, lol).

My Dad always used to say to me (still does), being scared is reserved for situations of the utmost importance. Death, for example. Anything else isn’t worthy of being scared about.

That’s easy for him to say.

So maybe it’s not about being scared that I will never have another child. Perhaps it’s just the fear of losing more.

You know that old adage about “it’s not the destination, it’s the journey?” Well, if you don’t ever make it to your destination, how many of us will live in the moment during the journey? Remember it? Cherish it?

Or even if we do get to the destination…. does it make the journey more special, or just a mish-mash of stuff that got us from Point A to Point B?

After I really thought about this phrase I kept on my desk, it dawned on me that I was scared. Scared to face the death of a dream. The dream that I can’t bear to lose.

A fellow SIF blogger blogged about this topic awhile ago, about getting to the END. The last chance at catching the star you’ve been reaching for for so long.

Because of my (ahem) advanced maternal age, I don’t have the luxury of doing IUI after IUI and gazillions of IVF attempts. It seems odd that I only went to the RE for my first visit 10 months ago, on my 39th birthday… and how quickly the urgency appeared.

The reality is I have a couple shots at this. 2 or 3 IUI’s with injectibles at the most, and two (insurance covered) IVF attempts.

In four to five months, if none of this works, I could reach the end of everything.

Perhaps it’s the hormones coursing though my body, but for today, I admit. I am a wee bit scared.