Dreaming of me

I’ve always been a vivid dreamer.

My dreams are in color, I can remember small details, I always “know” when I am dreaming, and most of all… I’ve become very perficient at knowing how to wake myself up from a dream I don’t like.

I’m not sure how I figured out that last part. As a kid, I had a lot of nightmares, and my trick (back then) to waking up was first realizing I was dreaming, and then closing my eyes in the dream and pressing my belly button.

Viola! My bad dream cure.

Except sometimes it backfired (and still does), when I manage to think I woke myself up but realizing I just forced myself into a parallel dream state. Even when I wake from a horrifying dream, I need to stay awake for at least 10 minutes, because I can easily slip back into the same awful dream.  Great, right?

Last night I had a particularly bad dream. I was stuck in some sort of pit, and snakes were chomping on my limbs. You see, I hate snakes. Like Indiana Jones, when I see a snake in my dreams I think: “Snakes! Why does it always have to be snakes?!” It’s my anxiety dream of choice.

So I manage to wake myself up (or so I thought). I sat up in bed, breathed a sign of relief, and just when I thought I was home free, a snake appeared under my covers. Argh! Worse- I had a heck of a time waking myself up. When I did finally, I jumped out of bed and stood in the middle of the room praying that I was really awake. ala Paranormal State without the demon in the house.

I was awake… but the fear of lying back down was too much. So I rocked back and forth and willed the nightmare away before I slipped back into bed.

I’m not sure how I was blessed with such a jabberwocky brain. Or if there are many people like me, or if I am a class unto myself. I’ve pinpointed that my dreams are stress relief for me. It’s a way of my working out the cobwebs nestled in the far corners of my head.

I just wish I dreamed more about good things than bad.

The irony is my dreams have gotten a little more nightmarish in the last 5 years (oh, duh!) no doubt due to the constant state of stress I’ve managed to wrap myself into.

I had always liked to blame the infertility medications on my active imagination, but now that it’s been 6 months without any artifical substances in my bloodstream, I guess I can’t.

The key now is to channel the negative energy away from my sleep ritual.

The problem… I’m not sure if that ever will change.

post signature

Down with the sickness

Because, really… could this week even be more drama and suspense filled?

Little D has the flu. His symptoms started last night and evolved into something closely resembling H1N1. They are treating it as that because, well… it’s too early to be the seasonal flu, and he did have a regular flu shot a couple weeks ago. Process of elimination I suppose. S. took him to the doctor this morning for official diagnosis.

Half the town was there.

In speaking with the ped office and his school this morning, it seems Jersey went from the fewest cases of swine flu to a zillion in just the last week.

So far, S. and I are well. No symptoms for either of us. The house has been sanitized, and our hands are raw from repeated hand-washing.  I am waivering between concern for my son and concern for myself considering this is the WORST week for this to happen.  THE WORST.

I just want my baby to feel better.  And I want to not feel guilty for trying to keep my distance because of my own situation.

Transfer for my FET is tomorrow at 11am.


post signature


Thanks guys for hanging with me on that last post. I think the appropriate word someone used in the comments was “panic”, and yes that pretty much hits the nail on the head. As much as I am excited to finally get here, the anticipation of finally being here just reminds me how close I am to the end of it all.

I’ve been stewing on these emotions for the last two weeks, but this week it just reared it’s ugly head to the forefront.

So what’s new? Well, I started the estrogen (in pill AND patch form), and just counting down the days for the donor to start stimming on the 10th.

Man, was I EVER glad to knock down the Lupron injection… the headaches were a royal PITA. Made me grumpy too.

Or, perhaps the grumpy part came from running into two Moms from David’s old school (gloriously pregnant with #2 and #4 respectively). They were talking about being sick and tired during their pregnancies, and all I could think was how I wanted to be in their shoes. I wished they knew how lucky they were. I put on my happy face and let them rattle on until I couldn’t take it anymore, and excused myself to my car. Driving home, the whole way… all I felt was a large lump in my throat. I will not cry. I am so damn sick of crying.

Looking forward to the holiday weekend, although not a long or restful one for either of us.

S. has to work for some of it. I’m not off any extra days. I want to check out fireworks somewhere (last year if I remember correctly, I think it rained a bit and we missed them).

Fireworks make me happy. I think I even have a few boxes of sparklers somewhere that I picked up out of state (NJ says NO! to fireworks… freaking buzzkillers). Yes, I know they are dangerous… (funny how when I was a kid no one thought they were dangerous at all) but again, they make me happy.

I have such fond memories of running around the backyard with two sparklers in each hand… wishing they could stay lit forever.

So what are you doing this weekend?

post signature

The fall of civilization

Well, I took my last BCP yesterday. Just waiting for AF to show. I’ll be happy to back off the Lupron a little bit. I’ve been having hot flashes at night. The headaches, not so bad as long as I keep hydrated.

The donor meds saga was resolved, but not without a minor freakout yesterday that all my work to date was for nothing when ONCE AGAIN a customer service person thought I was paying cash. Thank goodness for my new friend at the other specialty pharmacy who reminded me to remain calm, and then called the OTHER pharmacy to remind them of my insurance details. Ugh, such horrible communication between these insurance agencies.

Anyway, when it rains it pours. Husband and I recently changed over our phone service to the MASTER MONOPOLY CABLE PROVIDER in PA/NJ (we already had internet and digital cable with them), and man, they screwed us big time with our bill. In addition, our phones still aren’t working correctly since the initial install. S. has been in charge of that big ‘ole mess, and last night just went ballistic on the customer service folks. We call with a service problem that’s been ongoing for two weeks AND a bill issue… and what do they do?? They try to freaking up sell us on another one of their worthless features!! Arghhhh! Are you kidding me??

All of my complaints this week are directly related to the US Economy, I suppose. Is is me, or are all of you feeling like you have to fight with service providers more than you used to? I have to be honest, I feel like I have another full-time job just dealing with money-obsessed companies.

What’s next? Will my favorite donut shop start not filling my coffee cup to the top to save a penny?

Oh, nevermind. I don’t want to go there. That’s too traumatic to think about.

post signature