Feelin’ like a hot mess

arghhhhh… ever have one of those days? The kind where it’s better to have stayed in bed and catch Maury Povich on TV?

I had my annual OB/GYN appointment this morning. Now, you all know that I hate that place, and not because I am one of those shy girls that dreads pap smears.

It’s the place where pregnant women are in abundance. And, I am in no mood to sit in a room with a bunch of pregnant women when I am still as barren as the desert.

No sooner am I unclothed my OB, um, GYN comes in the room (Dr. D) and I begin bawling. Ok, not a full on cry, but enough to feel like an idiot with my wet eyes and runny nose. Waiting for my doctor to turn around and say, “sorry wrong exam room, there’s a highly emotional wreck in that one.”

She said, “let’s talk, you look stressed”. And we did. Most of the conversation being I just turned 39 in February and I am getting old (I’ll be 40 next year!), and I am being treated at the fertility center you referred me to but the doctor there (who really is nice) won’t give me meds until I lose another 10 pounds and I can’t, and the stress of baby sex is killing me and now my cycles are getting longer (no doubt due to stress) and I just want a vanilla cream donut and an iced latte….

sigh… gulp

for crying out loud, what the heck.

After shit dribbled out of my mouth for 5 more minutes, she said… “take a deep breath. You are not running a race, this is a life marathon and you still have time on your side. Stress won’t help you, you need to find a way to relax”.

Clearly, she has forgotten that I am 2 years into this marathon, but I appreciated the sanity check. ok- in the moment I was pissed, but I can appreciate the thoughts now.

Then she told me to call Dr. P (my fertility doc) and demand that I start meds next cycle. “He’s reasonable”, she said, and “he won’t turn you down if you simply say you’ve reached the end of your rope”.

I’ve reached the end of my rope it seems. Once I was back in the safe confines of my car I cried the whole way home. I am disappointed in my body for failing me. I am sick of trying to get pregnant and sick of having the pregnancies result in miscarriages.

I know I’ve been avoiding blogging about my fertility woes lately (if for any reason just to pretend to myself that it doesn’t matter), but dammit, this is my blog, and I need to vent. And it does matter.

Because I am not done with adding to my family. It hurts, and I feel like there is the most GIANT hole in my heart.

I thank God every day for having my sweet David and my husband in my life, but I feel like there is a family member still missing. And I just can’t come to terms with dealing with this stress.

It’s exhausting to be a hot mess.


Bad luck, Part Deux

Well, S. and I went to our 2nd consultation with the RE yesterday.

I was hoping that there would be a “smoking gun” that would put all the questions to rest. Everyone would say “aaaaaaaah, so that’s why your can’t get pregnant quickly and hold onto a pregnancy!” , we would treat it, and go on our merry way.

But of course not.

We talked about the issue of my one tube being “possibly” blocked, and that could be a reason why it’s taking longer to get pregnant, but that does not play at all into the pregnancy losses I’ve had.

My bloodwork was all normal. They suspected maybe PCOS since my one ovary was “suspicious”, but nothing else spoke to that diagnosis. My fasting blood sugar was 88 and insulin was 10. Normal.

My Day 3 bloodwork, normal. I was so wrapped up into thinking I may be in early menopause, but FSH was great, and follie count was quite good for my age under u/s. observation.

He said that when they checked my progesterone last month, it was just a little on the low side. Previously, my progesterone has been really great… but he indicated that it is very much a moving target. And perhaps supplementing with progesterone in the next cycle is a good idea (just in case).

My RE proclaimed, “Looking at all of your diagnostic testing leads me to believe that you have a better than average chance that you will get pregnant and you will have a viable baby”.

and… then… wait for it…………..

“I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but you really seem to just be running into bad luck lately.”

There it is again.

That “bad luck” diagnosis.

S. and I looked at each other, and smiled a crooked smile. Not the first time a doctor has said that to us.

So, what now???

Well, Dr. P. want me to lose a little more weight. It’s quite possible that my weight does play a factor in all of this, and I am willing to admit that. After all, I am carrying too much weight… no argument there (I could stand to lose another 50 pounds in addition to the 10 I lost so far).

He wants me to strive for 10 more over the next 6 weeks. Losing 10 more pounds puts me back to the weight I was when I conceived David, and it’s a mental thing for me too.

Then, we will try a couple cycles of clomid to “boost” my ovulation, and progesterone in the 2WW…

So right now, I am still in full weight loss mode. It won’t take me more than a month to lose another ten, so it gives me something to focus on other than obsessing about my cycles, plus it’s good for me no matter if it affects my fertility or not.

So, we keep moving forward.