I Want Candy

Day two of bedrest.

So with the incredibily suck-ass news yesterday, I forgot to update you all on the flu situation here at the house.

David, yes, is an H1N1 victim (as is a host of kids in his school). This morning, as I was sipping coffee and eating a peanut butter cup (don’t judge me, the coffee was decaf, and the candy, well, wasn’t.. it’s Halloween week for goodness sakes so what better time to eat candy than 7:30am??)

I digress.

So, David is starting to feel better. He still has a fever, albeit a low-grade one now. He’s out of school for the week, which means he misses all the Halloween parties so he’s already guilting me into a toy from Target this weekend.

Meanwhile, S. and I have no symptoms. However, I began taking Tamiflu as a precaution (recommended because of my situation). Can I just tell you how EVIL Tamiflu is??? Tamiflu makes you feel like you HAVE the flu (minus the fever). What the hell hair-brained idiot thought that one up? I should have read the damn prescription dossier before I took it.

In any event, my goal is to stay healthy.

I cannot guarantee, however, that I will not consume the entire bag of peanut butter cups. I will attempt to balance it out with a salad or two, don’t worry.

Thank you all for you kind comments and e-mails. It is because of you that I have any shred of humor left today.

I’ve decided to not think about what will happen if this doesn’t work. Well, I know, sure…. it’s a giant road sign that screams “THE END”, but I figure I’ll spend the next week pretending it’s not there.

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The Lone Ranger

My bad luck follows me like a stray dog.

They had to thaw all 7 remaining embryos, and of those, only ONE made it through the thaw.  My clinic has a 70% thaw rate.  There I go beating the crappy odds once again.

I’m disappointed, sad, and generally pissed off.

The one that made it is “extremely good quality”, so says embryologist. I know it only takes one, but let’s face it… the odds are already slim that an FET will work at all, and now I just decreased my odds even further.

My journey… it’s so close to the end.

And now I have 48 hours of bedrest to ponder it over and over.


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How much?

I just can’t seem to get my head together.

I’d blame it on the heat wave, but sitting in my air-conditioned home office I haven’t spent much time outside to blame heat exhaustion (although I almost fell over weeding my flower beds yesterday).

I am working. Work is good. It completely removes all thoughts about bills, insurance, failure, and the fact that I am entering year five of infertility hell.

I know it’s a sick thought, but if this last DE cycle tanked from end to end (and I had no frozen embryos) I could begin to move on. I would do so with lots of therapy and foot stomping, but I know I would at least…. move.

But the reality is that I spent thousands of dollars and mortgaged my home for this, and I can’t just let the frosties sit there. I am afraid if I take a break I might give up.

See? I told you I was sick.

So, I haven’t even paid the bills from last month, and now I am embarking on more. The bad news, no more sucky-but-covered-a-little-of-my-bills insurance. Everything is 100% on me from here on out, so I placed a call last week to the billing person at the clinic to send me a quote for an FET. Quickest response I ever got from a billing person. I had it in writing two days later in my mailbox.


Of course, it pales in comparison to the fresh cycle. But honestly, when you add the monitoring (minimal) and drugs (which I *thought* I could get covered, until I realized that I can only get anything paid that doesn’t need authorization which is like such a small portion of the total amount) it isn’t the cheapest venture in town.

And once again, I am soon to be back on a “calendar”. This makes me angry and sad at the same time.

Curiously, I am not excited to start this at all. I am hoping to sleepwalk though this entire FET.

I know…

what the hell is wrong with me???

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