I promised myself that I wouldn’t obsess about things until at least after the holiday.
But I am a fool. I don’t have that kind of self-control.
I’ve been poking around. Researching. Contemplating. Reading your feedback. Hanging out on websites, making phone calls to big clinics and adoption agencies.
I had my follow-up appointment with my RE, and well, it was somewhat pleasant and horrifying at the same time. Pleasant in that, I really like the team of doctors there. They’ve never not provided an answer when I ask a direct question. They have hearts, and are genuinely interested in wanting me to succeed.
We talked about the FET. Dr. Nerd opened my file and we went through every embryology report. We talked about how the donor may have not been the best choice (hindsight being 20/20). I gave feedback on what I liked/disliked about their donor program. We talked options for the future. I walked out with closure, sort of, and that’s about it.
The reality is my chances of succeeding are still high if I were to cycle again with another donor… no matter where I cycle.
The bigger reality staring me in the face is that we are tapped out of cash. I could want this more than anything, but there’s a point where I need to take into account “the rest of our lives”. I can’t put our family in financial ruin chasing a dream. There’s still a lot of living to do.
Yes, if a wad of money appeared out of nowhere, or embryos miraculously dropped in my lap I would jump on it. But for now, dreaming is just that… dreaming.
Unbeknownst to me my decision has sort of lingering here all along.
I would have loved to make a dramatic exit out of the land of infertility, emerge vicoriously, flipping the middle finger on my way out….but this story ends quietly for now.
Not necessarily closing the book, just bookmarking it if I ever choose to return.