The last two weeks have been crazy. Sort of like being on a rollercoaster against your will. I love rollercoasters, but imagine being on one for 24 hours a day. Every time I catch my breath on the way up, I know the next steep drop is just seconds away. Then, my eyes closed, hands clenched…my head is screaming.. “no! no. no. no….argh, no!!”

Terrible analogy, I know, but the only way to describe my new job.

I feel like I bit off more than I can chew. I had a meltdown of epic proportions last week (yes, tears too) and the weeks events have left me reeling. I’ve awakened each day to a headache and heartache I can’t get rid of. I haven’t eaten. I feel drained.

And then the thought occured to me that, even though this is all new to me and I should probably give myself a break for being the newbie, there is something else going on here. Something that won’t get better with knowledge, training, and time.

Perhaps my need to a new role was less about needing a change in my current tasks and more about a lifestyle change.

I know, great time to realize this. But I guess this is how things go sometimes.

Truth be told, I won’t say I made a mistake, but I will say I probably gave lip service to how this could alter my ever-confusing work/life balance. Looking big picture, I’m realizing that I am in need of an even bigger change that will take me away from my 18 years invested in the corporate environment. I wish I could say I don’t have to work at all, but there’s bills to pay unfortunately. That doesn’t mean our dual-income family can’t be tweaked.

And we will be tweaking.

So I don’t want to divulge to much yet, but I am working with S. to devise a plan that will benefit our family and put a lid on the madness. Both S. and I have been in career turmoil for some time, and there’s a point when you lose sight of the forest through the trees. That’s where we are.

As much as I would like to think that the changes I’ve made thus far are for the better, there’s no harm in acknowledging possible mistakes and re-evaluating.

As usual, life is subject to change….

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Careful what you ask for…

You know what would be really good right now? A venti non-fat latte. Something with an obscene amount of caffeine to kill this bad headache I’ve had for two days.

The funny and totally ironic part of today? I was working on a project for work earlier, simultaneously trying to talk on the phone and resolve, oh, about 15 issues and my laptop locked up for the bazillionth time.

My reaction was to slam down the lid and throw my hands up in the air. I think the words I shouted into the sky were… “Ok, I give up! Is that all you got??!”

At that exact moment a crack of thunder rolled over the house and I fell back (a little too far) in my desk chair.

Next thing you know I am face up looking at the ceiling.

I guess I got my answer for the day.

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Hitch your wagon to a star

Often, I think about infertility and the sheer madness of all of the emotions around it. The highs are so high, and the lows are just shattering. Rarely is there a middle ground.

Back around my 2nd/3rd miscarriage (who’s counting, right?), I remember writing a post about trying to not put my life on hold any longer. I started planning vacations for whenever I felt like it, and S. and I no longer thought of the distant future, because trying to plan our future was like searching for a specific grain of sand in the ocean… it was just pointless.

Footloose and fancy-free, we started making plans inviting the heavens to rain on our parade. Somehow it seemed logical that if we made/PLANNED our lives this way we’d laugh one day when we were suddenly caught with a new baby and a bad circumstance (oh my, we’ll have to cancel that $10,000 non-refundable dream cruise!… oh no, now that we threw away the baby gear… looks like we needed it! Let’s just buy a REALLY small car… hell, we don’t need it!)

But you know what? Tempting fate hasn’t worked that well either.

So, with this IVF cycle looming close on the horizon, I am a bit annoyed that I MUST clear my calendar for July/August. Ok, maybe annoyed isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s worrisome. Because all my previous plans never worked, so I am already looking ahead at failing because it requires that I make a PLAN. And hell, I’ve already proven that planning=failure.

I know, not a fabulous mindset to start this with.

But among all of this… for some crazy, unknown reason I feel like I could be on the cusp of something big. I don’t know where the feeling is coming from. Almost as if I am teetering and swaying JUST A TOUCH closer to having a little bit of (I’m not gonna say it)… okay, but just this once… luck.

How in the world could this wave of positivity surround me now? After everything that’s happened… how in the world am I capable of feeling like the tide could change?

Eternal optimist? That was something I always defined myself with. I lost so much of that recently, but to my surprise, the optimist in me is STILL there… just covered up with all of the intense emotions I have had to endure over the last three years. But it’s there.

I think I am just starting to understand that even if my life isn’t how I planned, maybe it CAN be okay if I just give it my best shot and roll with it.

Maybe I need to stop PLANNING and forcing all this reverse psychology on myself.

Maybe I just need to let go. It’s the one thing I haven’t tried yet, and maybe it just might work.

Pre-Mother’s Day Treat

I should explain how my weekend started on a bright and sunny Saturday morning.

It started well, I was done my morning coffee and while S. and David sat in the family room, I started twisting into a cleaning tizzy.

I finished (and folded) four loads of laundry. I organized the pantry. I cleaned the kitchen. I was sweaty and a little beat when I slumped into my recliner in the family room. Then I remembered I had to wash one last item in the laundry room in the basement.

I looked at the clock- it was only 11:20am. And, then I saw the wine refrigerator.

Ohhhhhh, a glass of wine would be great, I thought. I pulled open the door and found one of my favorite white wines and decided, what the heck, it’s nearly lunchtime and I haven’t had wine in a couple of weeks.

So I uncorked the bottle. Boy, was it refreshing to sip wine knowing my cleaning was done.

Problem was, S. didn’t want to finish the bottle, so in my best wisdom, I decided to drink the rest.

Hmmmm, I thought. “I haven’t eaten anything yet today. Boy, this wine tastes good.”

You know where this is going, right?

Flashforward to about 1pm, after said bottle of wine is LONG GONE. I am woozy, I feel icky.

David and S. decide we are going to The Outback for dinner. At 4pm we are getting ready to leave and my stomach is twisting. By the time we get there, I am ravenous however, and share the onion appetizer and down a 9oz. filet mignon along with a salad and potato.

The rest of the night I feel the ickies, until…..

well….. you know.

The moral of the story:

~Don’t drink a bottle of wine on an empty stomach ESPECIALLY when you don’t drink wine on a regular basis.

~Don’t ever order the onion appetizer when you even *think* you might be sick.

~Thank husband profusely for not drinking so as not to violate the one-parent drinking rule.

~Thank God for Sunday.