It didn’t work.
Thank you all for sticking with me through this. For now, I am taking a break from blogging to let it sink in.
Life is quite unfair. I should be used to this by now, but I have to tell you this cuts deeper than any failure I’ve had thus far. To be on the bad side of statistics again… I just can’t bear it.
I bet you hurriedly clicked over to this post thinking…
“OMG, has she tested yet??”
and the answer is NO.
To further disappoint my readers/friends/family and Peeveme, I’ve made a decision to not buy any pee sticks at all. I’m not even tempted.
Many of you have been commenting here and in e-mail saying how “disciplined” I am, and let me tell you… far from it. The operative word is FEAR.
That’s right folks, FEAR. I am too afraid to test. If you know my history, you might understand. Six pregnancies, five miscarriages. For me, a BFP is merely the first step in what I like to affectionately call the “Pregnancy Obstacle Course from Hell”, fraught with roadblocks, betas that look great but NOT!, and ultrasounds that feel like walking The Green Mile (for my Stephen King fans).
Symptoms? Yep, the are still here. Saturday was kind of a lull, but yesterday and today they are back. The trifecta: Cramping, low back pain, sore boo.bs
Strangely, if I weren’t on enough meds to choke a cow, I would say.. “Yep! This is it.” However I do know that progesterone can mock every pg symptom in the book.
I miss the days when I could get pregnant on my own… at least I knew when I was pregnant even before I reached for the pee stick. Yes, it’s the upside of being pregnant so many times. I know too much for my own damn good.
I will give you one nugget of info that weighs on my mind. The feelings and symptoms I have this time (as compared to the failed IVF attempt last summer) are completely different… even taking the meds into consideration. What it means? I don’t know.
Take from it what you will.
For my blogging friends that DO test before beta day, I salute you. You are a brave bunch.
I am a wuss.
Symptom watch commences.
Yesterday, cramping all day. Last night I got out of bed because of the consistency of them.
This morning, ever so light spotting? Spotting is actually too large a word for it. It was a smudge no bigger than a pencil eraser point.
Sore chest? Check. (but I had that before transfer too).
All of these symptoms can be related to the progesterone. Or they could be related to something else.
Therein lies the rub.
No, I’m not testing early… are you crazy???
Day two of bedrest, and all is well.
In fact, it’s outstanding at the moment.
I just got the call from the embryology lab that 7 (expanding and/or hatching) great quality blasts made it to freeze. SEVEN.
You know what that means right? The pressure is officially off.
I’m saved from having to look in that closet for quite awhile.
A pardon of epic proportions.
Take that, you mangy monsters!