The Renaissance

I just happened to glance at my sidebar yesterday to realize that today is my blogoversary. Four years of writing in this place.

I’d love to say it went fast, but looking back it really did not. So much happened in the last four years. I guess time goes fast when your having fun, but when you’re not…? It moves like the speed of a turtle.  Maybe fun is a bad word.  Life has been fun WITH the exception of the expanding my family part.  That sucked.

This week I had the pleasure of going to my annual GYN visit. Now, if you have been reading my posts over the last few years you know I’ve had some pretty disturbing visits. I even put off this visit for a few months because I KNEW the practice was moving. Not going back to that old office was a relief of sorts. I don’t even remember my visits there prior to having David. All I remembered is the sadness of the visits for each miscarriage. Having had so many and tense/bitter moments there I pondered starting over with a new GYN. But I didn’t, and I am glad I did not jump the gun. I have two lovely friends that work there and they scheduled me specifically to get in and out quickly. No loitering in the new waiting room with the large pregnant bellies.

It was the very first visit of a new era of Shelli. There was no talk of infertility or treatment with the doctor (except to say that I am done). Just the standard lady-bits chat.

Now, that I am here, writing this today I look back at the many years of writing, a huge majority of posts were infertility related. A large majority of that cycle related… it’s no wonder my posting has slowed over the last year.  My identity is changing.  It’s time to put that part of my life aside.

My readership has changed as well. Many of my on-line friends have disappeared, either succeeding in the place I failed at or just grew tired of the blogging medium altogether. I hate to say it out loud, but I know that many of my readers didn’t stick around because I was the sad story on the Internet. They grew tired of my cycle failures and miscarriage totals. Who wants to read bad news over and over?? 

Let’s face it, there’s not much to say at this point. I am sad that they do not come back here to comment. I miss them. The ladies I loved so much moved on too… and I am left pining for the good ‘ole days.  Gone are the days when I was lathered in support.  Nowadays I feel like I jilted ex-friend.

For the five or so of you that have held on, thank you. xo  If you are lurking, that’s cool, but it would be nice to have you delurk so I know you are still here.

While I will still be writing an occasional infertility post now and then, I am moving on. To what I don’t know. I am not abandoning my blog, but there will be a time of reinvention this year. A renaissance of sorts. I guess I need to change too, it’s not doing me any good to not change.

As a first step, I am removing the infertility stats from my sidebar. I can’t stand looking at them anymore. It is just a giant sign of failure I need not be reminded of. It will relocate to my “Infertility Diaries” page accessible above for those who wish to know the history of me.

Sigh…I didn’t mean for this post to be negative.

Nobody likes a party pooper.  I’m just feeling melancholy today.  I’ve done a good job of censoring myself here, but who am I censoring for now anyway?  It’s time to change.  This I know.

The reality is I love to write.  I will keep writing, and for awhile it might seem a little disjointed… but that’s where I am.  I hope you will all stay, but I understand if you cannot.

Strangely, it seems I have ended up where I started four years ago…  which I guess really isn’t so bad.  Just different.

post signature


It’s hard to believe I started this blog three years ago.

635 posts later… strangely, not much has changed.

In speaking to a friend yesterday, I mentioned the weirdness of time- how the years are going by so fast, yet in some instances… achingly slow.

When I think back to the first couple of months posting to this blog it makes me a little teary. I had experienced just one miscarriage back then (and a chemical pregnancy that didn’t make it to 16dpo), but I still had a never-ending supply of hope and resilience.

Hell, I would give *anything* to have that back.

I guess things have really changed.

post signature

Sometimes You Can’t Make it on Your Own

“Listen to me now
I need to let you know
You don’t have to go it alone

And it’s you when I look in the mirror
And it’s you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own
Sometimes you can’t make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can’t make it on your own”

~Sometimes You Can’t Make it on Your Own, Lyrics by Bono of U2

The years are ticking by so fast now. It feels like yesterday when I celebrated this blog’s one year anniversary, and here we are again at another milestone.

Blogoversary #2

It’s fitting to start another new year with another new chapter in my life. Curious timing indeed.

I dedicate this blogoversary to all of you. It’s YOU that have helped me and supported me when support in real life was hit or miss. Many of you have pulled me back from that cliff and listened while I vented, and cried when I cried, and cheered me on when I needed a personal pep rally.

…and whether I am talking about the pain of secondary infertility, or the ups and downs of being a Mom, or the roadblocks and successes of working full-time as a woman- I constantly learn and grow along with all of you.

Every person who has read or followed my blog (17,000 unique visitors to date- wow) has brightened my life, challenged my thinking, and exposed me to so many experiences I never would have had otherwise. My world is so much richer with all of you in it.

Thank you…