Inside Out

I recently attended a local adoption seminar at an agency. I hesitate to write about it, because my reaction to it was unexpected.

I sort of walked into it with the task of obtaining information on domestic adoption. Get in, and get out. I am the sort of person that needs to chew on an idea after I’ve gathered initial information. So the surprise was on me, THIS information session was out of my comfort zone.

When S. and I got there, we sat in a small room with about 6 other couples. I sat with an inch thick folder on my lap which I procured on the way in. I watched the clock. The meeting started late. The social worker, a really nice person, gave her speech which sort of went off the beaten path a hundred times over… that was okay… but of course there’s always the guest who monopolizes the conversation.

I started to get annoyed. The business person in me is thinking, “this is an information session, not a personal one on one interview”. Give the necessary info to the crowd, and leave it up to the individuals to stay and ask questions.

I started to zone out, and fidget. And after an hour had passed, they brought in a lovely couple with their newborn baby to share their own journey. I listened to their story, and as I did I scanned the room and noticed that the other women were almost in tears. I was not. I was detached. I wanted to escape.

Again, I found myself in a place that was unfamiliar. Almost like we did not belong. We seemed to be the oldest in the room. We were the only couple that had a child at home. The other couples looked like Barbie and Ken clones. All I could envision in that moment was disappointment. 

It had nothing to do with the topic at hand… I was very much interested in it. I just felt like I didn’t belong there, like there was a spotlight above our head. The odd couple out.

I also had little interest in dwelling on the obvious emotion that was hanging in the room. It felt cheap.  Unnecessary.  It was just too much. I didn’t come there to be sucked into the vortex they attempted to create.

At the two hour mark I stood up, excused myself nicely and S. and I left. It was a quiet drive home.

I’m not even sure where that all came from that night. The agency seemed great. The employees seemed nice. I came home with more information than I could ever ask for.

I just feel weird about it. Unsettled.

This path is proving to be more than I bargained for.

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solitary: 1sol·i·tary
Pronunciation: \ˈsä-lə-ˌter-ē\
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English, solitarie, from Anglo-French, from Latin solitarius, from solitas aloneness, from solus alone
Date: 14th century

1 a : being, living, or going alone or without companions b : saddened by isolation

Last night I had a very weird dream. I don’t remember much about it in its entirety, but what I do remember is waking up and feeling like I solved a great mystery of life.

In this dream, somehow I ended up sitting at a round table with about 10 people whose faces I did not recognize. We were talking about fears. I didn’t feel scared, but rather… melancholy. Someone commented from the other side of the table that their worst fear is death.

My response was immediate, almost as if the words were just falling out of my mouth without my lips moving…

“I am less fearful of death, and most fearful of being alone.”

It was nano-seconds later that I woke up, with those words still hovering in my head as if I said them aloud in the waking world.

I thought about it in the shower and and it was perfectly clear that as much as I would not like it to be so, it is my primary motivation in life.

It is the reason for everything.

As independent as I’ve led my life, I’ve let that fear mow me over in recent years. But when I look back to the choices I’ve made thus far, it’s been the driving undercurrent all along

…how could I have not realized that?

This therapy adventure has certainly opened my mind in ways I had forgotten about, or didn’t have the key.

Specific to infertility, I am realizing that my want to complete my family has a lot to do with this one specific fear. The motivation has little to do with “kicking infertility’s ass” and more to do with surrounding myself with people I can count on. People that my son can count on that will still be here 30-40 years from now. Let’s face it, when I get old and if S. isn’t here, I do not want David to be alone. I don’t want him to have that burden.

I may be projecting my fear needlessly onto him, but it’s something I think about more often than I should. This is probably the only reason I haven’t truly given up. And if I am being honest with myself, I will never be able to move on until I feel comfortable that David has a sibling. Someone who can’t easily walk away, uninvesting themselves when it is convenient.

I envy those that can and have made the active decision to push family-building to the back burner and move on. I’ve wondered if it is possible for me.

My therapist says I can do that if I wish, but it will take time.
I definitely can envision a life without cycling. I am 99% sure that I do not ever want to walk into a fertility clinic again. 

I am 100% sure that there is a child waiting for me, if I put myself out there.

It is very surreal to me, to know that before I had David, I always had this invisible attraction to adoption. I didn’t even know my “fertilty” status at the time, but I had always envisioned something extraordinary for my family. Perhaps I should have listened to my heart many, many years ago.

We are in research mode. No timeline, no stress. We will walk wherever the paths leads.

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Close, but no cigar…

I’ve been thinking about my miscarriages.

Well, the loss is always on my mind… but I am thinking lately from a different perspective. I’ve come to the conclusion that the drive to keep going is due, in part, of almost succeeding.

Think about this. If you play the lottery, and you spend $10 on one of those mega jackpots and LOSE, it’s easy to just walk away thinking “maybe next time”. You might play every week, but the money lost is secondary.

So, continuing with this analogy… what if you were a finalist in a huge giveaway, and you had a 1 in 4 chance of winning the jackpot. And then maybe the pool is whittled down to JUST you and someone else. You have a 50% chance of winning.

And you lose.

Does it hurt more than that 1:1,000,000 chance? Yeah, it does.

To come SO CLOSE and lose? It’s a blow to the psyche.

Now, think of yourself having those great odds in the second scenario, and picture yourself losing five times in a row.

It’s no wonder I’m screwed up.

I mentioned that S. and I are weighing options. Well, truth be told we had maybe two conversations about it and then decided to wait until after the holiday to get down to business. I am damn tired of of all this ruining the last 4 Christmases. Sick of it.

In fact, I was scheduled to have the follow-up appointment with the RE today from my failed FET. I rescheduled to next week simply because I don’t want to talk about it today. Nurse T basically told me that my insanely poor thaw was a first for their clinic. That my bad luck was a random occurance that never happened before IN THE HISTORY OF THE CLINIC. I decided to make the consult with Dr. Nerd and lay it out on the line. Just not today.

Drilling it down:

Another Donor Cycle
We are all cash now. No insurance. If I am crazy enough to lay down a wad of cash, I’m going to do it at a better clinic. I’ve done some inital research, and am pondering a couple clinics within driving distance from Jersey. One intriguing option exists at Shady Grov.e in the DC area. If you cycled there (especially if you did the Donor program) I want to hear from you. Likewise, if you cycled at IVF.NJ.

This is not an alternative to Option #1, in fact, we are leaning heavily this way at the moment. I researched the hell out of the International route about a year ago, and let’s face it… there’s nothing going on there. Even for the countries we qualify for, the wait is excruciatingly LONG.    I can’t do that.

Domestic adoption is something we never really explored in-depth, but we intend to dive in. There are some local agencies I’ve heard good things about… but if you have a recommedation… PLEASE e-mail me!

Embryo Adoption
This is the least costly of the options, but considering my last disaster of an FET, I am not hyped up about this at all. Too much legal crap and money for a low odds of it working.

Of course- our last path is stopping treatment, halting the bleeding out of money, and hanging up our hat. It is reality now, and as much as I wish it wasn’t… it may be our final decision to escape the infertility hamster wheel for good.

So much to ponder…  so much.

Got any lottery tickets??

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All things random…

I found out last week that my hair stylist is moving to Florida. accccckkk! She is a good friend as well. I’ve known her for nearly 17 years, and it won’t be the same without her. Now I have to find a new stylist (I’ll probably stay with the same salon), which is a big decision. What to do, what to do…..

I’ve also been a little silent on something else I’ve been doing, which is losing weight! So far, I’ve lost 13 pounds. I figure there are so few things I can CONTROL in my life.. while I’ve been busy trying to wrap my arms around infertility and adoption I think I found something I can do that is positive and somewhat controllable…

Speaking of infertility… I haven’t been talking much about it because I am still in a holding pattern. I need to make a consult appointment with the RE for next steps, but we are not in a rush. Reason being, we have vacation coming up in 4 weeks and I can’t do IVF remotely from Hilton Head, SC. lol. So I am taking a little “infertility siesta”. I just don’t want to think about it right now. I figure we will do the consult before vacation so we can get the insurance and meds out of the way in the meantime. Or whatever we decide to do (or NOT do).

The adoption front…. is moving slow. Truth is we are in a weird spot deciding on an agency. Our country choice (did I mention this before?) is China… but because the waaaiting is draaaawing out so much on a China adoption, we are likely going right to SN (special needs). Still long, but not as insanely long. The question is, go with a China only agency that has a stellar reputation or another agency with other country options? You would think, duh, Shelli go with the latter… but there’s some positives and negatives that don’t make for an easy answer. So we think and research more and think some more. My goal is to get the wheels moving in the next month.

And lastly, but not leastly (is leastly a word? I think not), I am an Auntie again. My BIL and SIL had a little boy last week. This is my third nephew (first on my husband’s side). He is cute as a button. J- I know you are probably far too deep in diapers and doctor appointments to read my blog, but a hearty congratulations (again) to you and C.