I had a random conversation with an acquaintance recently, someone that I know to talk about general “stuff” but not ever connected on a personal level. Actually, two people but I need to explain each in its own context.

I somehow knew this person and I would see eye to eye. Kind of that “feeling” that there is more under the surface. I’ve become very guarded in my conversations lately, I don’t know how to explain except to say that I have found a peacefulness in quiet. Maybe reflective is a better word.  What’s different for me is I’ve spent a lot more time listening than talking to family, friends, and strangers.

So it was an odd occurrence when this person asked me, simply, “you look deep in thought, how are things?” And the conversation ebbed and flowed right to the heart. Somehow in 10 minutes we went from talking about our sons to infertility to adoption. She is me. Her life story is a reflection of shared pain and relief.  Forty minutes of talking to someone who not only “gets it” but sees (outside of the job related stress) the part of me that no one notices. She saw through the hardship and saw peace.

How cool is that??

Ironically, acquaintance number two was a mom I met at a sports practice. We sat next to each other watching our sons and started to chit chat. Her son ran over to sip a bottle of Gatorade and I immediately noticed he looked much different from her. I must have smiled a certain way, because as our two boys ran back to the field, she turned and gave the knowing look. For those in the ALI community you get it too… she knew. “Are you an adoptive Mom?”

The answer, “well, not yet…” .. and the conversation ensued.  I smiled driving home the two miles from there to here.

There is goodness in quiet.

And I am thankful that the universe knows it too.

post signature

Worst kept secret!

I have a secret.

The worst-kept secret in the world.Many of you already know, but for reasons I can’t quite explain… I just couldn’t write the words here until today. I could in other places, but just not HERE.


Let me cut to the chase…

If your remember, this time last year S. and I were in research mode for domestic adoption. Well, we managed to examine every recess of every local agency last Spring, and by June of 2010 we had an agency, a wonderful case worker, and about a billion items added to our to-do list. As of October, 2010 our homestudy was complete and we were officially granted “waiting” status.

Yes. We are pre-adoptive parents.

So, back to the disclosure part. This is not a secret, of course, but knowing there were so many readers (cyber and IRL), I didn’t want to divulge because not everyone in our real-lives knew of our plans. It’s much like that weird space in the fertile world for infertiles. Those who have experienced the challenges of infertility wouldn’t dare announce a pregnancy prior to the 4th month.  Go ahead and chuckle, because we ALL know exceptions exist (how many of you can write a book on that? raise your hand!) but bear with me on that thought.


…that’s sort of where my head is on this. The last thing I wanted was someone in real-life carrying the message to random people in our circle, and those people telling friends, and so on. We are excited about it, and so is David. We are equally as petrified. Walking that line has proved daunting, so there was an odd comfort in knowing that we had this big secret that wasn’t public knowledge yet.

And, to be honest. I was very nervous to write this here. I’ve struggled so much in having “hope” in my life again, and this blog had become a diary of failure. Some days, I couldn’t bear to look at the archives staring at me on my front page. Years and years of dashed dreams. What if I added to that sorrow? Adoption is also a risk, and not every story ends the same. What if I fail again??

I decided that this new chapter in our lives, completing our family and taking steps toward our dream doesn’t have to be pushed to the back burner because of my own fears.

At the same time, this place won’t morph exclusively into an adoption-themed blog. Sure, I may post something now and again, but I have other outlets for my writing on this topic. This place will remain the story of my family.

Having said all of this, I also came to the realization that there was just no downside to spilling the beans.  It became a ridiculously silly hang-up on my part.  I am just darn tired of living in the shadows, and you all, as my support, need to know.

So there you go.

A new chapter already begun, and lots of memories to come.

I promise not to hold out on you any longer.

Pinky swear.

post signature

Mixed Bag-Momma

My flowers… are beautiful in the backyard this year.

I had a dream last night that I was in my old fertility clinic. I rushed there after a call from my doctor, who exclaimed that I needed to come see a friend and her newborn. When I got there, I was handed a dark-haired baby with porcelain skin and blue eyes. Her Mom’s name was Trish (not anyone I’ve ever seen), and she wanted to give me her baby. The feeling I had…. was so real I woke up and started at the ceiling with tears in my eyes.

What a way to start the day. Good thing I am visiting Dr. Anne tomorrow.

So, we’ve been busy around our house lately. Enrolled the boy in Karate last week. Or shall I say, “mixed martial arts” because “The Master” said it was, and who am I to argue against a black belt? heh. Anyway, we chose this activity very carefully. Long story short (and for another post) David’s school recommended Karate to help David with his shyness/anxiety. We sat with him and just watched a few classes last week, then David started participating this week. After a rocky first 10 minutes, he was smiling and taking direction like he had been there for months. Way to go, my boy! Very pleased with the instructor so far. His values are on point with what we teach David at home, and if anything I hope that David starts to build his confidence and gets in some physical activity. We’ll see how it goes.

Another milestone this weekend, David “graduated” in the world of cub scouts. He was a Tiger Scout until Sunday… now a Wolf Scout. He just loves scouts. I am dreading the end of August, however. He will be in karate, starting soccer season, AND a new year of scouts. I don’t know how those of you with many kids manage all that scheduling. We may need to evaluate and adjust in the Fall.

And, me? I am hanging in. Started to walk on a regular basis again which is helping with the cobwebs on my soul. A lot inward thinking going on.

And I want an iPad. Any of you guys have one yet? Do you like it? Advantages/disadvantages? Is it pretty much like my iPad Touch, just bigger?

post signature

1. Don’t make lists


I feel like I am running on a treadmill with the steepest incline and getting nowhere. And the effort isn’t even shrinking my ass. Talk about useless!

Every time I sit down to write this month, my eye wanders to a to-do list that gets longer and longer. I’m not sure what’s gotten into me. I’m all about lists and completing them. Or I used to be. Nowadays I scan the list and become so overwhelmed I shove said list under a book and sit staring into space with no purpose.

ARGH! It’s so frustrating.

I have four doctors appointments I need to schedule, and that’s just for me. Somehow, I manage to get S. and David squared away with doctor visits, just not my own.

Summer… is a hot topic for me. No pun intended. I decided to NOT enroll David in a summer day camp program this year. He’s had a bit of a rough year with school, so we decided to enroll him in a reading clinic at a local university. It’s just an hour and a half in the AM for five weeks. Challenging for my work schedule as it’s hard for me to just drop offline in the middle of the morning and be M.I.A. for a few hours. And you might be wondering how on earth I plan to work for the rest of the days… I am envisioning my laptop on the patio and buying dozens of outdoor games for David to occupy his time in the backyard. This summer I will be the Mom with the laptop and cellphone trying to juggle two months of a flying-by-the-seat-of-my-pants schedule. I don’t want the boy sitting idle, summer should be about FUN after all, so I am a little nervous how I am going to swing it.

Adoption topic… is still a work in process. I am still investigating, interviewing with a few local agencies. We know for sure that our sights are set on a domestic adoption. At least we narrowed that down.  I have another appointment this month with an agency recommended to me. My stress and fear level goes through the roof when I think about this topic. Fodder for another post, because frankly…. it’s too emotional to just pay lip service in this post.  So you must wait for news on that.

S.’s job… still up in the air. S-T-R-E-S-S-F-U-L. He has one, at least for another 30 days. By the end of summer we could be up the creek. I am being supportive for now. Big changes are coming whether we like it or not. We just don’t know how it will flush out… yet.

Meanwhile, the house is in disarray. After 10 years in this house, we are forced to start upgrading all the builders-grade crap this house came with. And some.  Things are starting to fall apart, and we’ve been spending a lot of time at our local home improvement center. Some of the projects were willingly started by us, like the new front door we have on order (the current one is so warped I can see outside from the INSIDE!). Other projects are the result of things just breaking- the air conditioner, attic fan, bathroom fixtures. Oh, and a bundle of cash dropped last month for termite treatment. Yes, new houses can get termites. Think of me when you see the Termin.ix commercial with the bugs knocking on the door.  Hopefully, they won’t come for YOU.  heh.

Fortunately, not a penny has been spent this year on infertility treatments. I am going to take that as a blessing that instead of trying to fix a broken ME, we are fixing a broken house instead.

At least that money is well spent.

post signature