D ponders the meaning of life

So, we are in the throes of summer and not much and everything happens.  It’s a bundle of nice and sad and what?!  and omfg what have I done?

I write blog posts in my head at night when I am having an attack of insomnia and they fizzle into nothingness by the time the sun peeks through the blinds.

I’ve done a lot of thinking lately and a lot of over-thinking.  Yeah, I got the over-thinking thing down pat.  It’s really the worst case of cat and mouse in my head.  I am in my 45th year of life on earth and I wonder, ok, is this it?  This is the mid-life thing people talk about!   When everything is enough and not enough all at the same time.

The thing that is most troubling is I feel as if time is moving faster and faster.  I OUGHT to be spending my time with people and projects I hold most dear, but the time is just slipping through my hands.  I took my career detour to spend more time with my family, and darn it if I don’t second guess that every day.  Money should not equal happiness, but as anyone who has a dime knows… it’s a lot easier to have it.  I feel like I am shoving myself into making sure I don’t fall behind, or become irrelevant in career pursuits. I feel the need to constantly be on my game because I’m NOT IN THE GAME (right-now).  You see the quandary?  It’s maddening….  maddening I tell you!!  The reality is I am still working full-time for my family’s business, and yet I still don’t have time.  I want to be a SAHM in my dreams, but you know what?  I’m realizing that I love to work.  As long as it’s fulfilling.  And what the heck do I do now to be true to myself?  The thoughts are confounding and make my head hurt.

I blinked and my son became a 5th grader.  He needs me, of course, but a lot less of me as time goes on.  I refuse to be one of those helicopter parents, but I struggle with letting him fly…  even if it’s a solo bike ride to the other side of our development.  My baby carries an iPhone now! He thinks I am just a cool Mom for letting him have it at age 10, but it’s more for me than him really.  I like the comfort of knowing he can reach out.  Another thing I am noticing, he is maturing much faster than his friends his age.  I have not decided if that’s good or bad, so I am staying neutral on that for now.

And, for any parents of children around age 10…  chew on this morsel…  your child has already entered the spiral into becoming an adult and moving out from under your roof- at breakneck speed.  My D is less than 8 years away from college and dorms and parties and questionable behavior.  The questionable behavior may be just around the corner.  Pardon me for saying that this fact is a little terrifying for me (and hubby, who jokes about it but thinks it too).

I am also displeased with myself that I am not doing great with cultivating the healthy version of me.  While I have not fallen off the wagon, I have been pulled with the rope around my ankle down a rocky dirt road.  Right now the wagon has stopped and I am 2/3rd’s of the way to standing up and checking my cuts and scrapes.  And making sure my gym is still open (yeah, it’s been awhile).

So, yeah, life is dandy. If I could only beat Level 360 of Candy Crush, I’d be on my way!  You do play Candy Crush… don’t you??

One thought on “Substance

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