The message for National Infertility Awareness Week is “not to ignore infertility” and instead of preaching the message, I am here to tell you I am guilty of doing just that.
I came here on Monday ready to write a sun-shiny post (like I do every year) to support the message. But nothing came. I just stared at the keys on the keyboard…. unable to find any words.
The words did not come because of sadness– that my infertility journey was a long, wasted effort into the depths of hell and back with no success.
The words did not come because of anger– for myself and my sisters, that our journeys are sometimes dismissed by our fertile friends, or worse, ignored completely because Infertility happens “to other people” or “for reasons we are not supposed to know…”. Hmmmmmm.
The words did not come when the fifth fish died in our new fish tank yesterday. Yes, a fish tank. It appears that I experienced a nuclear meltdown when I reminded my husband that we lost five humans via miscarriage, and GOD DAMMIT we had five fish we couldn’t keep alive in a tank.
The words, very simply, did not come until about an hour ago… when I realized that my journey came to an end a few years ago, and I’ve been avoiding thinking about it.
I am thinking about it now, and the feeling I feel…. is emptiness.
I pray that anyone reading this never, ever walks my path. I hope to God that I have taken the statistical bullet for you.
Because I could never bear to know and love a friend and have this ending be a reality for them too.
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