The Wheel

Somehow, I found my way to watching the VMA’s on MTV last night. I had just sat down on the recliner after mulling around and cleaning the kitchen.

Man, I was tired.

No sleep from the night before after standing guard during the hurricane (we survived just fine, btw, save for a few hellish tornado warnings). I felt like my weekend had passed in a blur. The whole week for that matter.. so many natural disasters!… so little time.

Anyway, I tuned in just as Beyonce was rubbing her newly pregnant belly. Of course, I’m sure she’s a nice and deserving mother-to-be, but I will freely admit that the image really hit a nerve.

As a knee jerk reaction I posted this on Twitter:

And then… I put down my iPad and cried.
It has been a long time since I had “that” feeling. It’s as if the world shrank into a teacup and I could feel my body sinking into it.  It’s been a long time since I registered such an intense reaction from a purely random event.  You would think several years after stopping infertility treatment, the pain would be a little less raw, but no.  It was a hell of a lot more like ripping a band-aid off an open wound at sonic speed.
I failed.
I can never redeem myself from the fact that I failed! I walked away from failure (although it felt a lot like running at times) and on days like yesterday I feel like I am barely capable of even crawling.
But worse than that I still suck at not letting my emotions overtake me when I see someone happy and pregnant.  There is no amount of self-discovery, therapy, or nachos that can deaden that insane feeling.  It’s ridiculous.  Why can I not move on from this??
I am a hamster on a wheel, always chasing, running, hoping to get somewhere and ending up back where I started.
I wished so hard that this feeling would go away, and I can say with certainty, now, that it will never go away. 
And I am just so damn tired of living with it.  So fucking tired.
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3 thoughts on “The Wheel

  1. I get it! I have been there and moments like these have still stopped me in my tracks, even now after having my kids. But you should NEVER feel like a failure! I featured your blog tonight! HUGS!

  2. It sucks to be in a place where you're feeling stable and "fine" emotionally only to have something sudden and out of the blue trigger hurtful feelings. I'm with Photogrl…sadly the feelings never go away.We're here for you, Friend! Hugs!

  3. I wish I could take this hurt away from you…It's one of the cruelest things about IF, the pain, the hurt, the feeling of failure NEVER leave.I, too, cringed at Beyonce's belly rubbing display…knowing what kind of emotions it kicks up for IF'ers.Big, HUGE ((HUGS))

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