Somehow, I found my way to watching the VMA’s on MTV last night. I had just sat down on the recliner after mulling around and cleaning the kitchen.
Man, I was tired.
No sleep from the night before after standing guard during the hurricane (we survived just fine, btw, save for a few hellish tornado warnings). I felt like my weekend had passed in a blur. The whole week for that matter.. so many natural disasters!… so little time.
Anyway, I tuned in just as Beyonce was rubbing her newly pregnant belly. Of course, I’m sure she’s a nice and deserving mother-to-be, but I will freely admit that the image really hit a nerve.
As a knee jerk reaction I posted this on Twitter:
And then… I put down my iPad and cried.
It has been a long time since I had “that” feeling. It’s as if the world shrank into a teacup and I could feel my body sinking into it. It’s been a long time since I registered such an intense reaction from a purely random event. You would think several years after stopping infertility treatment, the pain would be a little less raw, but no. It was a hell of a lot more like ripping a band-aid off an open wound at sonic speed.
I can never redeem myself from the fact that I failed! I walked away from failure (although it felt a lot like running at times) and on days like yesterday I feel like I am barely capable of even crawling.
But worse than that I still suck at not letting my emotions overtake me when I see someone happy and pregnant. There is no amount of self-discovery, therapy, or nachos that can deaden that insane feeling. It’s ridiculous. Why can I not move on from this??
I am a hamster on a wheel, always chasing, running, hoping to get somewhere and ending up back where I started.
I wished so hard that this feeling would go away, and I can say with certainty, now, that it will never go away.
And I am just so damn tired of living with it. So fucking tired.