The Reason

“Were I to await perfection, my book would never be finished.”
-Chinese Proverb

In my youth (more than once) I found myself asking for Divine intervention.

On many occasions.

I’m not sure if I was making a direct request to the man upstairs or just doing what I thought was expected. I didn’t have a highly religious upbringing but my parents were bold enough to let me try anything I wanted if it served me spiritually.  They gave me the foundation and then allowed me to explore.  That worked great for me.  But truthfully,  life wasn’t as complicated back then and I didn’t have much opportunity to test the boundaries of faith.

So as I got older, wiser I realized that prayers sometimes do go unanswered.  I never understood why and still to this day I find it really hard to just accept that on face value. I want to believe that you can achieve anything with enough hard work, but I’ve learned that is not always the case.

…learned…

Often in my infertility journey I came face to face with my spirituality and questioned, questioned, questioned.  And I felt as if I slipped further and further into the abyss along the way.  Not just with my own experiences, but of others I witnessed.  I saw examples of friends and acquaintances having the world crash down on them, but yet not allowing that anchor to pull them down.  So why was I struggling with that concept?  What was the missing link?

Admittedly, I have had a big problem with folks who even slightly touched on the concept “things are just meant to be!”  Oh how I hated that overused phrase and any like it (the image above is what prompted this post).  Uttering a phrase like that instantly bought you a ticket to my sh!t list, henceforth, a target of ire and rolling eyes.  Why?  Because I firmly believed (still do, really) that anyone who says that has never been challenged by a hurdle so great or crippling that it shook their beliefs to the core. 

But for those who can see validity in that phrase having lived though tremendous loss or disappointment?? I am envious.  Really. Obviously, still working on this.

So lately, my thoughts have been turning to a slightly different angle… lessons.  Instead of thinking that my personal life roadmap already exists on some otherworldly GPS, I am wondering if the hard stuff is presented to us at a time in our lives when we need a reality check.  Not saying someone is pulling the strings or not, but what if karma really is more relevant that we think?  Balance, yin/yang, whatever you want to call it, but it’s damn near impossible to lead a perfect life in its entirety.  

The imperfections of life is what makes us real.

Just as mistakes carve the way to character, misfortune sometimes sets us straight to seeing life beyond perfection.  No, life isn’t fair sometimes. Everyone needs an experience to feel that, otherwise the goodness is permanently flawed, the sun never shines as brightly.

But living the good and the bad makes us more emotionally aware. As much as prayer can ground a person, it’s not always about looking for someone else to pull the strings to get to happiness. 

So when it seems no one is listening, I’ve found that the answer often lies within me.  And finally, after so many years of looking (for an answer) it seems being a student of life is what served me most.  And continues to.

Perfection is overrated.

If only I discovered this long ago.  But then, maybe I wouldn’t be the person I am today.

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3 thoughts on “The Reason

  1. Just found your post through Creme de la Creme. I totally relate to your hatred of "everything happens for a reason". So many times through my struggle, I've thought, "Well yeah? I think sometimes SHIT JUST HAPPENS." I also really like the idea of learning lessons over trying to figure out the "why". I think I'll focus on that. Thanks for this.

  2. I especially agree with your statement: "Just as mistakes carve the way to character, misfortune sometimes sets us straight to seeing life beyond perfection." Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I know I am still struggling to accept/"see" my life as it is now… but hope that in time I will be 100% happy with things again.

  3. I think that having faith and believing in the Almighty actually makes infertility/loss and other struggles more difficult because I know that if God chose to change the situation, He could.I've learned through our recurrent losses that indeed, "His stength is made perfect in our weakness…" It is only due to believing that our lives were created- and if we submit- made for God's glory and purpose: His perfection- not ours.The phrase, "everything happens for a reason" sounds insensitive and callous, but perhaps believing that God is working in our lives and shaping us for His purpose is a better explanation.I hope you are able to continue your faith quest openly. I admire you for questioning the unknown.

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