I recently attended a local adoption seminar at an agency. I hesitate to write about it, because my reaction to it was unexpected.
I sort of walked into it with the task of obtaining information on domestic adoption. Get in, and get out. I am the sort of person that needs to chew on an idea after I’ve gathered initial information. So the surprise was on me, THIS information session was out of my comfort zone.
When S. and I got there, we sat in a small room with about 6 other couples. I sat with an inch thick folder on my lap which I procured on the way in. I watched the clock. The meeting started late. The social worker, a really nice person, gave her speech which sort of went off the beaten path a hundred times over… that was okay… but of course there’s always the guest who monopolizes the conversation.
I started to get annoyed. The business person in me is thinking, “this is an information session, not a personal one on one interview”. Give the necessary info to the crowd, and leave it up to the individuals to stay and ask questions.
I started to zone out, and fidget. And after an hour had passed, they brought in a lovely couple with their newborn baby to share their own journey. I listened to their story, and as I did I scanned the room and noticed that the other women were almost in tears. I was not. I was detached. I wanted to escape.
Again, I found myself in a place that was unfamiliar. Almost like we did not belong. We seemed to be the oldest in the room. We were the only couple that had a child at home. The other couples looked like Barbie and Ken clones. All I could envision in that moment was disappointment.
It had nothing to do with the topic at hand… I was very much interested in it. I just felt like I didn’t belong there, like there was a spotlight above our head. The odd couple out.
I also had little interest in dwelling on the obvious emotion that was hanging in the room. It felt cheap. Unnecessary. It was just too much. I didn’t come there to be sucked into the vortex they attempted to create.
At the two hour mark I stood up, excused myself nicely and S. and I left. It was a quiet drive home.
I’m not even sure where that all came from that night. The agency seemed great. The employees seemed nice. I came home with more information than I could ever ask for.
I just feel weird about it. Unsettled.
This path is proving to be more than I bargained for.
2 thoughts on “Inside Out”
Actually I'd be surprised if you *hadn't* been detached – how much emotional pain can a body take?! And I will kill the next person that says "Oh, you're not old!" I KNOW how old I am, and it is older than anyone else at my clinic. Don't know if you'll end up going this route, but now that you have the information you can peruse it at will. Maybe you just need to digest – or not. Good luck, thinking of you.
Did the other couples happen to share anything about why they were there? Is it possible you weren't overwhelmed, but UNDERwhelmed?I'm not surprised that you felt detached. I would be doing that and so much more just so I wouldn't let myself open to more pain, even in an informal meeting like this where it's unlikely.