Life is a highway

I’ve been feeling a little sad this week.

There’s no main cause… perhaps cabin fever had a little to do with it. Each day I wake up and look out of the window to whiteness, I grumble a little under my breath. I’m ready for winter to be over. I’m tired of the snow.

Work has been busy, and I’ve been plotting taking off some time soon. I feel like my work could swallow me whole if I let it. Last week my company forced a download to my laptop with a software update, and it blew my machine. I called the helpdesk, and when I say “help” desk I am exaggerating. They feined ignorance, and then tried to tell me my home wireless network was to blame (which it most certainly is NOT!) Our helplessdesk is a joke, staffed with people who live in almost uninabited areas of the world and make $1/hr. We are a technology company for goodness sake!  If you have a problem that isn’t in their script, forget it.  There is no thinking outside of the box, or the script, as it were…  I wish I was kidding.

I was so mad I was spitting bullets. I worked on the issue into the wee hours of the morning, using Google as my guide. I thought I had fixed it. But unbeknownst to me there was some sort of auto-update that removed my hard work again. grrrrrrr….

On Thursday, I am giving up my car. I love my car (remember when I got it three years ago?).   The lease is up on it, and with recent events (and current events), we simply needed to downsize. As much as I will miss it, I am glad to be breaking free from it.  I spent many days driving it to the fertility clinic and getting my unfair share of bad news.  I cried big tears in that car.  As much as I will miss the luxury, I will not miss the reminder of it.  The funny thing is we’ve been progressively downsizing our cars over the last 7 years.  Since S. is still in the auto business, we are limited in our choice since we must take advantage of his employee discount.  It’s the same make, different car.  Much cheaper.  Better gas mileage. Cheaper payment.  And, as S. proclaimed, thank goodness it’s not black.  He hated waxing my black car.

I’ve also spent some time thinking ahead.  I’ve not done a lot of that lately…   I found that living in the moment was much less stressful.  But once in awhile, the monster greets me in an unlikely place. 

He found me in the car this past weekend.  S., David and I were driving home from having a nice lunch and David was talking up a storm in the back seat.

“Mommy, Daddy… why don’t I have a sister or brother?  Did I do something wrong?”

I just about drove off the highway.  S. held my hand and we pulled into a Starbucks.  It was everything I could do to not start bawling.

I let S. answer because I couldn’t. 

I just couldn’t.

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6 thoughts on “Life is a highway

  1. Big hugs to you. I am so sorry, I don't think I could have answered to. Of course, I often wonder if I've done something wrong, and that's why I may not ever have my own as well… If we wonder these things, of course kids do too. I'm sure your hubby explained it to him perfectly though, and again – so sorry.

  2. Shelli, my heart is in my throat for you, and I'm sending you (((((HUGS))))).The Middle Child was talking yesterday about some woman on TV who said she had four kids because "three is for wimps". He then repeatedly told me we should have another baby. I told him to stop. The fifth time he said it, I looked my 10-year-old in the eye and said "I did. I had 5 babies. Two didn't live. We're done." Yes, I could have handled it better, but he and the Oldest know Jimmy was stillborn and then I had a miscarriage. That's our family's reality – we had 5 children, 2 aren't with us.Just reassure S., like I do my kids, that it wasn't anything he did. And take it easy on yourself. It's NOT fair, and it sucks, but we just keep putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.And yeah, get rid of the car.

  3. Thank goodness S. was with you…I'm crying for you, Shelli. Nothing ever broke my heart more than when Miss O. would ask about why she had no siblings. No BFN, not the miscarriages, nothing.Big, HUGE ((HUGS)) for you!

  4. I don't know how S answered this question, but I think this is one you'll have to tackle one on one. You don't have to talk about the fugure, but I think he's getting old enough to hear about how you had tried to give him a sister or brother but it hasn't worked out yet. You definitely do not need to talk about your miscarriages. And my gut clenched when I read that.

  5. I was fortunate not to have fertility issues, yet that line makes me want to cry! Kids say the damnedest things. {hugs} Maybe getting rid of the car with all the tears is good karma. {more hugs}

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