If you thought the last post was a bit snarky, it was meant to be. I won’t lie and say I had a wonderful New Years Eve. It was wonderful in that I spent it with the people I love the most, but the thought of another year at an end and no closer to completing my family was very, very sad. I was in a horrible mood. The whole day felt like walking The Green Mile… knowing that the new year was going to start no matter how much I kicked and screamed. There was no stopping it.
As Dick Clark kissed his sweet wife at midnight I blurted out “This year sucked!” and I proceeded to cry. A hug from S. was the only thing that mildly comforted me. Well, that and a couple of shots.
I woke up on New Years Day, still in a mood… reasoning with myself that there is much more to life than this ONE THING. This I know. I know it as certain as the blue sky, but yet it often feels like there is no room for any other emotion. All I can think about is the horrible luck I’ve endured, five dead babies and so many failures. Failing where others succeed without trying.
The holiday was a lot of reflection. A lot of hard thinking. I came to the conclusion that I must make it a priority to offload the the hurt, the anger, the disappointment. It’s eating me up inside, and when I look in the mirror, I see only a broken woman. How could that not affect the relationships around me? I just cannot live like this.
My husband and my son deserve a wife and mother who are PRESENT. Not hiding in the house and eating bon-bons.
How do I get out of this place when it took so long to get here? It’s been so long, I don’t remember the path back. All I see is a thick forest with goblins hiding behind trees and dark corners I dare not walk into. The mist is suffocating. There is only a glimmer of sky. The ground feels like quicksand… each step I take seems to get harder and harder to lift my feet.
I said I wouldn’t make any resolutions, but in the back of my mind I know that is not true.
I resolve to fix me.
The first step (the hardest) is admitting defeat.
Infertility, you win. I lose. I’m tired of your shit. Go do the happy dance and impregnate everyone else on earth but me. Leave me as the last piece of gum on your shoe.
Step two is a big one, consulting a professional. The one I am most scared of because it means I need to reach out to someone else to do what I can’t by myself.
There is so much else to do in order to free myself from the issues that have spun out of control because of my infertility. There’s so much wrong right now I can’t think about it en masse otherwise it will become overwhelming.
So for now, this is where I start.
This is my new path.