Fix Me

If you thought the last post was a bit snarky, it was meant to be. I won’t lie and say I had a wonderful New Years Eve. It was wonderful in that I spent it with the people I love the most, but the thought of another year at an end and no closer to completing my family was very, very sad. I was in a horrible mood. The whole day felt like walking The Green Mile… knowing that the new year was going to start no matter how much I kicked and screamed. There was no stopping it.

As Dick Clark kissed his sweet wife at midnight I blurted out “This year sucked!” and I proceeded to cry. A hug from S. was the only thing that mildly comforted me. Well, that and a couple of shots.

I woke up on New Years Day, still in a mood… reasoning with myself that there is much more to life than this ONE THING. This I know. I know it as certain as the blue sky, but yet it often feels like there is no room for any other emotion. All I can think about is the horrible luck I’ve endured, five dead babies and so many failures. Failing where others succeed without trying.

The holiday was a lot of reflection. A lot of hard thinking. I came to the conclusion that I must make it a priority to offload the the hurt, the anger, the disappointment. It’s eating me up inside, and when I look in the mirror, I see only a broken woman. How could that not affect the relationships around me? I just cannot live like this.

My husband and my son deserve a wife and mother who are PRESENT. Not hiding in the house and eating bon-bons.

How do I get out of this place when it took so long to get here? It’s been so long, I don’t remember the path back. All I see is a thick forest with goblins hiding behind trees and dark corners I dare not walk into. The mist is suffocating. There is only a glimmer of sky. The ground feels like quicksand… each step I take seems to get harder and harder to lift my feet.

I said I wouldn’t make any resolutions, but in the back of my mind I know that is not true.

I resolve to fix me.

The first step (the hardest) is admitting defeat.

Infertility, you win. I lose. I’m tired of your shit. Go do the happy dance and impregnate everyone else on earth but me. Leave me as the last piece of gum on your shoe.

Just……………leave me.

Step two is a big one, consulting a professional. The one I am most scared of because it means I need to reach out to someone else to do what I can’t by myself.

There is so much else to do in order to free myself from the issues that have spun out of control because of my infertility. There’s so much wrong right now I can’t think about it en masse otherwise it will become overwhelming.

So for now, this is where I start.

This is my new path.

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10 thoughts on “Fix Me

  1. I don't think you have to admit defeat in order to fix yourself. Admit you have a problem – yes. But you're going to get better. And then, guess who wins?I think you are an amazingly strong, brave woman.

  2. I found an excellent therapist in my area through RESOLVE – the national organization that deals with infertility. Check out resolve.org and see if there is anyone on there in your area. I applaud the step that you are taking. I cried Niagara Falls during my first few visits with the therapist. It hurt so bad but felt so good. I think this will really help you.

  3. Your new path sounds like just what you need.I remember the scared feelings and the dread when I realized I needed help after loss #3. I wasn't me anymore and M. and Miss O. deserved to have the person they loved.I'm hoping you'll find someone who can help make your trip through the forest less painful and get you safely through to the other side.Wishing, hoping, and praying for peace for you.((HUGS))

  4. I am so sorry things have not worked out better for you – I know how it feels to "fail where others succeed without trying." It's awful and I'm so sorry you are having a difficult time. But I also know how it feels to have IF consume you and take over your life to the point where you almost have no life at all. I applaud you for taking this first step – I know it's a hard one and I think consulting a professional is a great idea – if we lived in the same city, I'd say make an appointment for me while you are at it. I hope you find peace, joy and yourself again this new year.

  5. this post was perfect. I dont know what about it makes perfection…it just was. It is definitely easier said than done, to let go of demons and forge forwards (sure ain't there myself), but the image of a happier, more peaceful self is definitely one to embrace. As for seeking help-DO.IT. I can't say it has made me less bitter, I can't say it has made it easier to whoop it up at all the freaking pregnant people in my life who seem to be popping up like whack-a-moles (where is my mallot?), but it sure is great to have a safe place to vent my innermost thoughts that keeps my marriage in tact, keeps my friends from having to hear my bullshit for the billionth time…and helps me face the days. It is the greatest gift I can give myself in this time when the ACTUAL greatest gift is not under my control…XO.

  6. wow, that is amazing brave. Admitting the need for help. It took me way too long, I wish I had your insight and heart. I just wanted to say that you gave me the most amazing and precious gift last year. I am as I am because of you. I wish there was something I could do for you. Have you thought about Dr J? I know, NYC far away etc but she worked around my crazy travel. Whatever happens next. You have given so much to so many. Thank you. Eb

  7. Leave the forest behind Shell – you don't have to find your way back, you can forge ahead on a new path and ultimately come full circle. As you know the unknown can be scary as hell, but can also be very exhilirating. Re-define you, one step at a time.

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