Which way to the exit?

I promised myself that I wouldn’t obsess about things until at least after the holiday.

But I am a fool. I don’t have that kind of self-control.

I’ve been poking around. Researching. Contemplating. Reading your feedback. Hanging out on websites, making phone calls to big clinics and adoption agencies.

I had my follow-up appointment with my RE, and well, it was somewhat pleasant and horrifying at the same time. Pleasant in that, I really like the team of doctors there. They’ve never not provided an answer when I ask a direct question. They have hearts, and are genuinely interested in wanting me to succeed.

We talked about the FET. Dr. Nerd opened my file and we went through every embryology report. We talked about how the donor may have not been the best choice (hindsight being 20/20). I gave feedback on what I liked/disliked about their donor program. We talked options for the future. I walked out with closure, sort of, and that’s about it.

The reality is my chances of succeeding are still high if I were to cycle again with another donor… no matter where I cycle.

The bigger reality staring me in the face is that we are tapped out of cash. I could want this more than anything, but there’s a point where I need to take into account “the rest of our lives”. I can’t put our family in financial ruin chasing a dream. There’s still a lot of living to do.

Yes, if a wad of money appeared out of nowhere, or embryos miraculously dropped in my lap I would jump on it. But for now, dreaming is just that… dreaming.

Unbeknownst to me my decision has sort of lingering here all along.

I would have loved to make a dramatic exit out of the land of infertility, emerge vicoriously, flipping the middle finger on my way out….but this story ends quietly for now.

Not necessarily closing the book, just bookmarking it if I ever choose to return.

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13 thoughts on “Which way to the exit?

  1. Wow. I'm so, so sorry that it's come to this for you. I agree w/ the others, it completely sucks that money has to be the reason for you to stop. I can completely relate though, because it will probably be the reason that we jump off also. And I'm keeping you on my "if I ever win the lottery" dream list. :)Hang in there.

  2. It pains me that you are having to bookmark this chapter, but I'm happy that chapter isn't closing for you.I wish that money didn't have to be a factor of anyone suffering from IF.I'm wishing, hoping, and praying that you and S catch a break, or recieve a surprise miracle.

  3. My heart breaks for you, but I do like the analogy of bookmarking things for now. I wish that money were not an issue in this decision, life can be so incredibly unfair sometimes.

  4. Can you comment on why you and S don't try on your own. Even with crappy eggs, every now and again there is a perfect one waiting for fertilization (this is what happened to me after many losses). Trying on your own, doesn't cost money, doesn't need doctors and CAN work. It also takes you off of the hamster wheel of cycling again with a clinic. I think you should give it some consideration.

  5. oh honey. It fucking sucks ASS that the crazy cost of IF treatments have put a pause on this dream. But I really feel it is just a pause. I have been paused before and it is brutal in so many ways. I had to take a giant step away from blogs and pretty much anyone that had the audacity to smile at me. I hope this does not mean fewer posts from you tho. You know I adore you. *pout*

  6. I've found that with most major transition moments in life – graduation, moving, marriage – that there is no dramatic exit, it is just the closing of the chapter.But, the beauty of closing a chapter is that you open a brand new one and you get to write what is going to be there. I think you needed to go through all of the research, thinking, etc, to feel as if you have finished the chapter. The question is, are you ready to start the new chapter?I think you are pretty much there and I sincerely hope that you are able to enjoy the wonderful excitement that it can bring. You are right; there is still a lot of living to do. I would hate for you to look back and regret that you didn't do the living while you had the chance. That doesn't mean that you shut the book on the last five years – you just put it on the bookshelf and out of rotation for a while. Many, many hugs – you can do this.

  7. I hate, hate, hate hearing that because of money you can't go further. I hate that it has to be so costly for so many. I hate that insurance companies will not help. It breaks my heart for you and so many. I hope that this book will be reopened for you.

  8. Ditto Riley. It is stupidly unfair and wrong that money has to play such a big role in realizing a dream–a simple, basic dream such as a family, not some crazy-ass dream to live in a mansion with a yacht and seven cars. A simple, honest, beautiful dream. I hope some time off during this season of joy and hope offers you peace and some healing…and I hope that truly this is just a pause in your ability to pursue your dream. XO.

  9. Like everything in this sucky journey there are forces that pay a much deeper role than our desires. I like the bookmark idea. I too hope you enjoy the holiday season as much as you can. Whatever you guys decide to do I want to thank you for being so open, honest and present this past year. EB

  10. It sucks how money plays such a big factor in our IF decisions. Knowing that you could eventually be successful if you only had more money for another try or two is so frustrating. We are at that point ourselves. If this cycle doesn't work, we can't throw any more money at this – even as I've started to consider adoption, we just don't have the funds for it. Wishing you some peace this Christmas and, like you said, maybe you can return to your dream in the not so distant future.

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