Close, but no cigar…

I’ve been thinking about my miscarriages.

Well, the loss is always on my mind… but I am thinking lately from a different perspective. I’ve come to the conclusion that the drive to keep going is due, in part, of almost succeeding.

Think about this. If you play the lottery, and you spend $10 on one of those mega jackpots and LOSE, it’s easy to just walk away thinking “maybe next time”. You might play every week, but the money lost is secondary.

So, continuing with this analogy… what if you were a finalist in a huge giveaway, and you had a 1 in 4 chance of winning the jackpot. And then maybe the pool is whittled down to JUST you and someone else. You have a 50% chance of winning.

And you lose.

Does it hurt more than that 1:1,000,000 chance? Yeah, it does.

To come SO CLOSE and lose? It’s a blow to the psyche.

Now, think of yourself having those great odds in the second scenario, and picture yourself losing five times in a row.

It’s no wonder I’m screwed up.

I mentioned that S. and I are weighing options. Well, truth be told we had maybe two conversations about it and then decided to wait until after the holiday to get down to business. I am damn tired of of all this ruining the last 4 Christmases. Sick of it.

In fact, I was scheduled to have the follow-up appointment with the RE today from my failed FET. I rescheduled to next week simply because I don’t want to talk about it today. Nurse T basically told me that my insanely poor thaw was a first for their clinic. That my bad luck was a random occurance that never happened before IN THE HISTORY OF THE CLINIC. I decided to make the consult with Dr. Nerd and lay it out on the line. Just not today.

Drilling it down:

Another Donor Cycle
We are all cash now. No insurance. If I am crazy enough to lay down a wad of cash, I’m going to do it at a better clinic. I’ve done some inital research, and am pondering a couple clinics within driving distance from Jersey. One intriguing option exists at Shady Grov.e in the DC area. If you cycled there (especially if you did the Donor program) I want to hear from you. Likewise, if you cycled at IVF.NJ.

This is not an alternative to Option #1, in fact, we are leaning heavily this way at the moment. I researched the hell out of the International route about a year ago, and let’s face it… there’s nothing going on there. Even for the countries we qualify for, the wait is excruciatingly LONG.    I can’t do that.

Domestic adoption is something we never really explored in-depth, but we intend to dive in. There are some local agencies I’ve heard good things about… but if you have a recommedation… PLEASE e-mail me!

Embryo Adoption
This is the least costly of the options, but considering my last disaster of an FET, I am not hyped up about this at all. Too much legal crap and money for a low odds of it working.

Of course- our last path is stopping treatment, halting the bleeding out of money, and hanging up our hat. It is reality now, and as much as I wish it wasn’t… it may be our final decision to escape the infertility hamster wheel for good.

So much to ponder…  so much.

Got any lottery tickets??

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8 thoughts on “Close, but no cigar…

  1. Dear Friends, I feel bad for your miscarriages and wanted to introduce you to Saint Gianna who suffered two miscarriages. Our website is: Please look at the "Testimonies" for powerful stories of mothers like you. We don't care if you're not Catholic. We just want to help. A Blessed Christmas to you!Your brother Joe

  2. I'll email you about IVF NJ – I don't have experience there yet w/ the donor program (did I just say yet? Crikey), but I have lots of other experiences if you want them.And I know just want you mean about being so close. I think that's why I have been busting my arse to get pregnant – because the first time it had happened by now. Primary infertility, and then secondary infertility closely following …. well, being the bright side kinda gal that I am, I keep thinking – it can happen, because it did before. And my FSH was only *one* point lower the first time around (still high, but not that much different). So this just doesn't make sense to me. Sorry to turn a comment into a whinefest! Lol.

  3. I have gone through 8 IVF cycles and one full-term stillbirth. I just conceived this week with DE. I used IVF-NJ 3 years ago and was horrified at how they treated me. Long story, but I'll share if you want to email me through my blog. I conceived with SIRM-NJ, the Bedminster office, and I can't say enough wonderful things about the doctors and the staff. FOllow up is timely, never a long wait in the office, honest opinions about my options and I got to pick my own DE candidate from several different agencies that they work with. IVF-NJ treated me like a number and totally screwed up my first (and best retrieval) ever. I would never go back there me if you want detailed info. best of luck

  4. Oh, Shelli…I can totally relate to the lottery analogy. I think about you often.My cousin has explored domestic adoption in depth…I'm going to ask her for some recommendations for you.Hang in there and enjoy the holidays.((HUGS))

  5. I am so, so, sorry for all that you are going through. So much to think about. I have never walked in those shoes and can't even begin to understand what you are feeling right now. I hope that you are able to find the path that is going to work for you. I do know 3 people who had success at CCRM, but I know that is out of state for you. are always in my thoughts.

  6. Hi Spence-Chapin in NYC are very good at both international and domestic adoption but yes, they take time (unless you are willing to adopt from the congo in which case its a couple of months). We are checking out Friends in Adoption in Vermont. They are a very cool domestic adoption agency that seem to willing to work with a couple over 40. No idea about wait times but they advertise 12 – 18 months. Check out the 'adoption doctor' very cool women and can help a couple go through options and then help prepare for adoption and all its challenges. At Cornell the best doctor for success is Dr Davis but he is really hard to see and mucho money. I am sorry you are in this crappy space. It is all so overwhelming and … well, crap. I have faith that you will find the way forward tho, I have faith indeed. HugsEB

  7. Shelli, phew! I read your blog just now and can relate. I'm not in your area but I have heard that the Delaware Institute for Reproductive Medicine is an excellent clinic. I also have heard good things about Shady Grove but they don't have an in-house embryo donation program. Embryo Donation programs can be less expensive than Embryo Adoption programs. You may be able to choose the donor embryos or you may just get what the clinic decides for you. I don't know how their program works, but it may be worth exploring.I don't know your age, but sorry to say, the older you are the less viable your eggs are. I miscarried myself six times. It is a personal agony only those who have repeatedly experienced while struggling with infertility can relate to. I think even those women who have miscarried, but in-between multiple successful births don't really understand the sadness.Using a donor embryo(s) may be a logical next step for your and your husband.

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