I’ve been thinking about my miscarriages.
Well, the loss is always on my mind… but I am thinking lately from a different perspective. I’ve come to the conclusion that the drive to keep going is due, in part, of almost succeeding.
Think about this. If you play the lottery, and you spend $10 on one of those mega jackpots and LOSE, it’s easy to just walk away thinking “maybe next time”. You might play every week, but the money lost is secondary.
So, continuing with this analogy… what if you were a finalist in a huge giveaway, and you had a 1 in 4 chance of winning the jackpot. And then maybe the pool is whittled down to JUST you and someone else. You have a 50% chance of winning.
And you lose.
Does it hurt more than that 1:1,000,000 chance? Yeah, it does.
To come SO CLOSE and lose? It’s a blow to the psyche.
Now, think of yourself having those great odds in the second scenario, and picture yourself losing five times in a row.
It’s no wonder I’m screwed up.
I mentioned that S. and I are weighing options. Well, truth be told we had maybe two conversations about it and then decided to wait until after the holiday to get down to business. I am damn tired of of all this ruining the last 4 Christmases. Sick of it.
In fact, I was scheduled to have the follow-up appointment with the RE today from my failed FET. I rescheduled to next week simply because I don’t want to talk about it today. Nurse T basically told me that my insanely poor thaw was a first for their clinic. That my bad luck was a random occurance that never happened before IN THE HISTORY OF THE CLINIC. I decided to make the consult with Dr. Nerd and lay it out on the line. Just not today.
Drilling it down:
Another Donor Cycle
We are all cash now. No insurance. If I am crazy enough to lay down a wad of cash, I’m going to do it at a better clinic. I’ve done some inital research, and am pondering a couple clinics within driving distance from Jersey. One intriguing option exists at Shady Grov.e in the DC area. If you cycled there (especially if you did the Donor program) I want to hear from you. Likewise, if you cycled at IVF.NJ.
This is not an alternative to Option #1, in fact, we are leaning heavily this way at the moment. I researched the hell out of the International route about a year ago, and let’s face it… there’s nothing going on there. Even for the countries we qualify for, the wait is excruciatingly LONG. I can’t do that.
Domestic adoption is something we never really explored in-depth, but we intend to dive in. There are some local agencies I’ve heard good things about… but if you have a recommedation… PLEASE e-mail me!
This is the least costly of the options, but considering my last disaster of an FET, I am not hyped up about this at all. Too much legal crap and money for a low odds of it working.
Of course- our last path is stopping treatment, halting the bleeding out of money, and hanging up our hat. It is reality now, and as much as I wish it wasn’t… it may be our final decision to escape the infertility hamster wheel for good.
So much to ponder… so much.
Got any lottery tickets??