They do exist. Maybe not the horror-movie kind, but certainly the emotional kind.

I had thought of not posting this. I thought about the eyes that could read this today, tomorrow, someday… and say, “why is this any of her business when she doesn’t know the whole story?”

…but I need to say it.

A dear member of my extended family ended his life. On purpose. He was my Dad’s best friend. My Mom’s friend. My Mom’s best friend’s husband. He was a Dad. He was a Grandfather. He would have been the first person I would call if something happened to my own Dad.

He was present for every milestone in my adult life. He was at my wedding, birthday parties, christenings, and funerals.  His face is in dozens of pictures, video, and memories of MY life.

And now he’s dead.

When my Mom called me with the news, I was stunned.

or was I? This was a man who had some personal demons (which I don’t think is fair to divulge here), but led the life many of us aspire to. He was a good guy.  He was retired from a great job that provided well for his financial future. He traveled. He had a family that loved him.

My first reaction was shock and sadness. But then my sadness shifted- shifted so quickly to the thought of his wife and family. The burden they will now carry for the rest of their own lives. The burden my parents will carry. The regrets. The things left unsaid. The missed opportunities to stop the train from leaving its tracks.

He robbed all of us.    He might as well just took all the living with him.

How could you?

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11 thoughts on “Demons

  1. Hey Shelli… just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you and I am so sorry to hear about this tragedy. I had a client commit suicide a few years back, and it was very strange, to say the least. I am sure it is even harder with someone who is in your family circle.This is a tough time of year even without additional sadness, so take good care of yourself and I hope you can find a way to enjoy some of it.

  2. I am so sorry about the suicide of your friend. That is so incredibly hard to take. I hope you can spend time with his remaining family and take comfort in one another.It's so hard to have to wonder why – and there really are seldom answers. And I am mad and sad for the ones left behind.My best friend committed suicide. I knew she was very depressed and lost but in my youth and naivety I didn't know how bad it was until it was all over. I don't think I could have stopped her. I am so sorry you are going through this and sending you and his family big hugs and prayers for solace.

  3. Why shouldn't your thoughts shift to his family? Say a prayer for your friend and hope that he's at peace and then understand there's nothing more to do for him including obsesssing about the whys. It won't change anything. Your focus is in the correct area and that's on his wife and family, where it can make a difference.

  4. Honey, I am so sorry. It seems like no one ever talks about fucking SELFISH suicide is, how it leaves us all holding this bag of grief and anger and unresolved everything, and the overwhelming sense that if only we'd KNOWN we could have DONE SOMETHING to stop it. I hate it, and I hate that you are going through it. I'm so sorry.

  5. You, your family, and *his* family are in my prayers. This post resonates with me deeply because, in all honesty, if my sister one day did the same thing, I can't really say that it would surprise me. When things get that bad that you can see the train coming, I'm not so sure that there's too much *anyone* can do to stop it. We can try to flag it, call an alert, stand in the way and yell, but the only thing that can truly stop the train is the driver.It's a scary thought and one that haunts me. I'm so terribly sorry that you now have to deal with the realities. xoxox

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