The last chapter…

For the inquiring minds: I tested this morning. I stared back at nothing. Not even a whisper of a line.

Please, do not tell me it’s too early. It’s not.

So this is what it feels like to really fail at something. To exhaust every path, to endure every last available technology.  To pump myself full of chemicals that have god knows what affect down the road.

Almost five years of misery. Five years of loss. Five years of chasing a dream only to come up empty.

Empty in mind, body, spirit, and finances.

No next step. No back up plan to the back up plan.

Just sadness, regret, and unbearable pain.

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30 thoughts on “The last chapter…

  1. I am so sorry. I wish I had words to make you feel better, but of course I don't. I'm hoping you are wrong, but I know what it's like to be certain – I've been there and it sucks. I'm nearing the end of my all my tries, too. I don't know why you just can't get a break. It is so unfair. Hugs.

  2. So sorry Shelli. Hope that somehow you are wrong, but we've both been here before. And I know you will bear this pain, even though it is awful and no one should have to go through all you have to be let down like this. Hug your kids, and let yourself feel the sadness in your time. Thinking of you.

  3. Even if this is a BFN I don't think that you should stop trying naturally. After I miscarried on my first round of IVF and felt the same pain that you did, I got a good therapist wrapped my arms, heart and head around having an awesome only and then got pregnant naturally. A million IUIs, IVF, 3 top-notch doctors and MEGA medical bills later it ended up happening for us on our own. Don't give up.

  4. Shelli, I did the stick TWICE before my beta, on days 6 and 8. BOTH were snowy white negative. And my beta on day 9 was 51.I agree, no ushering in of The Fat Lady until her appearance is truly due.Hang in there, my dear.

  5. I agree with Jodie. I am so sorry that you got a BFN today. I am sorry you have to endure another 24 hours of BFn-ness, not to mention the 5 years. I hope this is a 'too early to tell' scenario (especially since FET implant late) Whatever the situation – my heart and hugs are there for you EB

  6. Um, at the risk of you clobbering me to a bloody pulp, I still think it could be too early. My last IVF cycle (day 5 transfer), I peed on a stick the day before the beta and it was negative. No real symptoms that could be separated from progesterone side effects. And the beta turned out to be positive. Don't make that fat lady go out on stage until the b*tch has to…Thinking of you, re-crossing everything and sending big fuzzy hugs…

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