David just had his last day at summer camp. He often rambles on to anyone who will listen about his adventures this summer. Swimming, skating, bowling, dancing, and his visits to two zoos, two museums, one theme park, the “theater” to see a real stage production, and numerous trips to the ice cream shop and movie theater. He had a great time.
In two weeks he starts 1st grade. In the meantime, we will be ramping up for school and sharing some serious 1×1 time. I am scheduled to be off for the entire first week of his school so I can sit at home, bite my fingernails, and watch the clock while I wait for bus stop duty.
Next week also starts soccer, and soccer practices. Practice being a new thing this year since he’s on the big boy team now that he’s 6. Also means more work for me.
When I look at the upcoming calendar for the next few months, it looks overwhelming. I am having one of those moments when I wish I didn’t have to work. In fact, I’m back to figuring out if I could swing a leave of absence. The money is not even half the issue (I could survive), it’s the fear that I could be laid off in the meantime. Still hanging by a thread as always. S. is also still hanging by a thread at his work too. We try to ban “work talk” because it only depresses us.
Not a time to be part of the “out of sight, out of mind” equation, methinks…
I’m also trying to figure out where to go from here- as in, my mental state.
I am realizing that I have some major issues to deal with that perhaps I cannot solve on my own. I’ve never visited a therapist in my life (except for the mandatory ones for this past DE cycle). I’m not sure I can even afford one, but I do know that I am not myself anymore. This has been a cumulative effect and really has been building over the years. This last month (failure and scary moments) seems to have accelerated my feeling out of control.
I am sad, a lot of the time. I know that much of my state is temporary (or is SUPPOSED to be), but I am worried that I cannot lift myself out of my funk this time. I’m just not me.
… what to do, what to do…
I just don’t know.