Highs and lows

David just had his last day at summer camp. He often rambles on to anyone who will listen about his adventures this summer. Swimming, skating, bowling, dancing, and his visits to two zoos, two museums, one theme park, the “theater” to see a real stage production, and numerous trips to the ice cream shop and movie theater. He had a great time.

In two weeks he starts 1st grade. In the meantime, we will be ramping up for school and sharing some serious 1×1 time. I am scheduled to be off for the entire first week of his school so I can sit at home, bite my fingernails, and watch the clock while I wait for bus stop duty.

Next week also starts soccer, and soccer practices. Practice being a new thing this year since he’s on the big boy team now that he’s 6. Also means more work for me.

When I look at the upcoming calendar for the next few months, it looks overwhelming. I am having one of those moments when I wish I didn’t have to work. In fact, I’m back to figuring out if I could swing a leave of absence. The money is not even half the issue (I could survive), it’s the fear that I could be laid off in the meantime. Still hanging by a thread as always. S. is also still hanging by a thread at his work too. We try to ban “work talk” because it only depresses us.

Not a time to be part of the “out of sight, out of mind” equation, methinks…

I’m also trying to figure out where to go from here- as in, my mental state.

I am realizing that I have some major issues to deal with that perhaps I cannot solve on my own. I’ve never visited a therapist in my life (except for the mandatory ones for this past DE cycle). I’m not sure I can even afford one, but I do know that I am not myself anymore. This has been a cumulative effect and really has been building over the years. This last month (failure and scary moments) seems to have accelerated my feeling out of control.

I am sad, a lot of the time. I know that much of my state is temporary (or is SUPPOSED to be), but I am worried that I cannot lift myself out of my funk this time. I’m just not me.


… what to do, what to do…
I just don’t know.

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8 thoughts on “Highs and lows

  1. I know for me when I was out of sorts and not me anymore a psychologist really helped me. I only went 4 times, but in those 4 hours I learned some really valuable tools to help me cope with the crap that is out of my control. So it may be worth looking into!hugs

  2. I'd say give it a little more time (but not too much) and see how you feel. If you're still down, there is absolutely nothing wrong with getting some help.I'm really sorry you're going through this. And it is so true that all of this takes it's toll. One doctor early on in our IVF days said that it was as bad as dealing with cancer. I think I agree with that. I did two years of therapy before/during/after my divorce. It saved my life. I learned so much, and I probably would not be happily married today if I hadn't done it. I learned skills for everyday life, as well as some great skills for dealing with crisis.You may need to talk to more than one therapist before you find the right one. The good ones are worth their weight in gold, IMO.

  3. Oh, Shelli…big ((HUGS)) for you!After my 3rd loss, I couldn't get out of my funk. I was sad almost all the time, and would cry at the drop of a hat. I wasn't me. Finally, I gave up and called the local hospital, which had a loss group. I knew I couldn't attend, but I asked the coordinator if she knew of a therapist who dealt with IF and loss. For 4 months and $25 a week, I met with a nun associated with the local catholic charities in my town. I'm not even catholic.But she was a lifesaver. Do what you need to do for you. I've rambled enough, but if you want to know anything else about my therapy experience, feel free to email me thegarlands37 at yahoo dot com.More ((HUGS)) for you!

  4. I avoided therapy as well, but after my fourth loss, following my first round of ivf, I realized that something had to give. I wasn't enjoying anything anymore and I wasn't one shred of the person who I used to be. 6 months of weekly therapy helped me get to a much better place. I never did meds but talking it out with someone who did now know me really did the trick and most of it was covered by insurance. Call your insurance provider and see what is covered – could really save your sanity.

  5. I've never been to a therapist in my life … don't believe in 'em, don't want help, can do it on my own dammit, etc. … but lately, I'm thinking that might just be crazy talk and that a good therapist might be just what I need. Sigh.

  6. It's funny that this is the third or fourth blog post that has brought the idea of therapy up. I am a huge proponent. I guess I am a born again patient! If it wasn't for my therapist and the medications I wouldn't have made it through these times. Not everyone needs medication, not everyone needs talk therapy but if you are sad and know you feel somehow different speaking with someone to clear a path through all this might be just the ticket. I'm rambling too. I empathize completely. I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time.

  7. I think around year 3 of trying I realized that I was just NOT equipped to deal with the chaotic emotions. I went to a therapist and while she was a bit wacky and I only saw her around 5 times- she helped me through by explaining that the emotions were like PTSD. Last year it got really, really bad and I realized that I needed medication. And to be honest- the medication helped me more than the therapy. But I think that was mostly because I didn't resonate deeply with the therapist- I actually wish I could afford some shrinkage to go with my pills!Sorry. This is rambly. I guess I am just saying that I hear you. & I have been in a similar place and while I know meds are not an instant fix they have helped me. If anything they take the extreme out of the emotions so that processing is more fluid.thinking of you.And first grade?!!! oh wow.

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