I just can’t seem to get my head together.
I’d blame it on the heat wave, but sitting in my air-conditioned home office I haven’t spent much time outside to blame heat exhaustion (although I almost fell over weeding my flower beds yesterday).
I am working. Work is good. It completely removes all thoughts about bills, insurance, failure, and the fact that I am entering year five of infertility hell.
I know it’s a sick thought, but if this last DE cycle tanked from end to end (and I had no frozen embryos) I could begin to move on. I would do so with lots of therapy and foot stomping, but I know I would at least…. move.
But the reality is that I spent thousands of dollars and mortgaged my home for this, and I can’t just let the frosties sit there. I am afraid if I take a break I might give up.
See? I told you I was sick.
So, I haven’t even paid the bills from last month, and now I am embarking on more. The bad news, no more sucky-but-covered-a-little-of-my-bills insurance. Everything is 100% on me from here on out, so I placed a call last week to the billing person at the clinic to send me a quote for an FET. Quickest response I ever got from a billing person. I had it in writing two days later in my mailbox.
Yowza.
Of course, it pales in comparison to the fresh cycle. But honestly, when you add the monitoring (minimal) and drugs (which I *thought* I could get covered, until I realized that I can only get anything paid that doesn’t need authorization which is like such a small portion of the total amount) it isn’t the cheapest venture in town.
And once again, I am soon to be back on a “calendar”. This makes me angry and sad at the same time.
Curiously, I am not excited to start this at all. I am hoping to sleepwalk though this entire FET.
I know…
what the hell is wrong with me???
BagMomma 
It's a godawful process. I really think that the money part of it is just like medieval torture. I mean, come on … meds, hormones, uncertainty, fear, longing, grief multiplied many times … and then making it so ridiculously expensive that we put ourselves into debt?! Do take good care of yourself, whatever you decide.
I hate it too. You make a plan, execute the plan, be done with it… but you gotta do it. *sigh*P.S. thank you for commenting on my spankin' new blog. You made my week.
Not sick, not sick at all.I can totally understand where you are coming from. ((HUGS))
ShelliThanks for your comment. The difference between my day 6 blast and your day 6 hatching blast is that my embryo did not become a blast until day 6 rather than day 5 like it was supposed to – it was slow. Sounds like yours were blasts on day 5 and starting hatching on day 6 which is really good.
I agree with everyone else. You're not sick! Your invested, heart and mind. I'm pulling for ya, love!*HUGS*
Sweetie–not sick. Your heart is just tied tightly to this. It's due to a lot of love.
Answers; it's something we all crave. Wishing you loads of success.
Just make sure that you've given yourself enough time to grieve. I plowed through 4 losses in a row, never really stopping to take care of myself. I just felt like if I kept on running, I would eventually get to the other side. Then I collapsed – physically and mentally. It took a lot of tissues and therapy and accepting the fact that I could be happy with one child before I was able to throw all the bills and infertility docs away. Then, after trying on my own and against the odds, I got pregnant and am now 28 weeks. I am still paying off my failed IVF but I really believe that once my mind got in a healthier place everything else followed. Like you, I was never given a really concrete reason as to why I kept miscarrying.
How you feel makes perfect, perfect sense to me. Even though our situations are vastly different, at the start of that last cycle, I didn't feel happy or excited about getting the chance to try again. I was in this weird state of mind that I wanted just hurry up, start, and get it over with so that we'd know what the answer was. Were we going to get pregnant or not? I just wanted to get there, but was not looking forward to dragging myself through it.
Hang in there – you are in such a difficult situation! I wish you could just go to a lovely spa where you could forget everything. I'd like to be there too!
You're not sick- you're longing for your child to be. I'd feel the same as you. Don't beat yourself up and give yourself a break- this is no easy situation.
I'm just as sick – can't seem to stop planning the next cycle. But I agree, it is too hard to stop when you have frosties – even when you only have one like I do. Best of luck!
I completely get why you'd want to rush back in..not because of hope but becasue you want to finish…one way or the other you need to get to the end of this.Have they test for clotting disorder? Were you on daily aspirin? Just grasping at straws. The way I hear it…aspirin can't hurt and there is a small chance it could help. Just throwing in a long-shot here. But at some point long shots sound pretty reasonable.