Here I am.
I don’t know where to start… I do want to say thank you. Your comments and e-mails are appreciated. I know we are all such a supportive community, but hearing from all of you when I need it most means a lot. I wish I could give you all a hug.
I’ve been ok. I’ve progressed through the stages of grief at breakneck speed and made it out to the other side. And, by other side, I mean well enough to function as human again.
This cycle really hurt more than I expected. I thought that by kicking my old eggs to the curb that THIS surely would be my ticket to babydom. And nearly all my DE cycle buddies succeeded—- How could I fail?
And then, I was welcomed to the place I know well. The flip side of the statistics.
I should have known.
What have I been doing the last week? Doing all the things a rebellious infertile would do. I drank beer and wine. I (gasp!) haven’t taken my vitamins. I bought a super-sized bag of pistachios and ate every last one. I watched movies. I tortured myself by going to a neighborhood party and made small talk with THREE pregnant women.
Ok, I lie. I ran for the keg just to get away from them.
But, hey… I socialized two days after that stupid beta. At least give me credit for that.
I cried a lot.
I got AF on Sunday and cried again.
I stole my son’s Nintendo DS and played Super Mario Brothers non-stop. You know what’s great about playing a video game? You don’t have to think about anything but the game. My goal simply was to collect sparkly coins and beat the “old lady devil turtle” (that’s David’s description). A welcome respite.
And then, I got the call that the WTF appointment (yes, it means what you think for those of you who don’t know) occurred at the RE’s office. Two of my doctors and my DC sat down and talked about my recent failure. Hmmm, perfect lining, perfect eggs, perfect transfer.
Come on now…. you already know.
Oh my m-f-ing lord, could they please have told me ANYTHING other than that???
Like a stake in my heart.
Oh, and the BEST part! My insurance denied all my claims the clinic submitted thus far. So I spent today ripping them a new a-hole. I may have suck-ass insurance (far from 100% coverage), but they are supposed to cover TWO IVF attempts. 1+1=2! You. Morons.
Anyway, we move on.
Over the next week or two, I’m going to set up the FET. I am still pondering if I want to take a short break. I am also pondering that this FET is cash only since my insurance is dry. So- netting it out…. I’m pondering. You’ll be the first to know.
Let’s review my warped reality, shall we?
My DE cycle carried with it a 70% chance of it working (my clinic stats). That means I was in the unlucky 30%.
The success rate for an FET from a DE cycle is 34% (again, my clinic stats). That means I have a 66% chance that it won’t work.
My dear husband (who I should say is usually NOT the optimistic one), reasoned it like this…
“If we were in the unlucky 30%, then this FET will be perfect since we have just as much chance to be in the lucky 34%!!”
I love you honey.