Here I am.
I don’t know where to start… I do want to say thank you. Your comments and e-mails are appreciated. I know we are all such a supportive community, but hearing from all of you when I need it most means a lot. I wish I could give you all a hug.
I’ve been ok. I’ve progressed through the stages of grief at breakneck speed and made it out to the other side. And, by other side, I mean well enough to function as human again.
Sigh.
This cycle really hurt more than I expected. I thought that by kicking my old eggs to the curb that THIS surely would be my ticket to babydom. And nearly all my DE cycle buddies succeeded—- How could I fail?
And then, I was welcomed to the place I know well. The flip side of the statistics.
I should have known.
What have I been doing the last week? Doing all the things a rebellious infertile would do. I drank beer and wine. I (gasp!) haven’t taken my vitamins. I bought a super-sized bag of pistachios and ate every last one. I watched movies. I tortured myself by going to a neighborhood party and made small talk with THREE pregnant women.
Ok, I lie. I ran for the keg just to get away from them.
But, hey… I socialized two days after that stupid beta. At least give me credit for that.
I cried a lot.
I got AF on Sunday and cried again.
I stole my son’s Nintendo DS and played Super Mario Brothers non-stop. You know what’s great about playing a video game? You don’t have to think about anything but the game. My goal simply was to collect sparkly coins and beat the “old lady devil turtle” (that’s David’s description). A welcome respite.
And then, I got the call that the WTF appointment (yes, it means what you think for those of you who don’t know) occurred at the RE’s office. Two of my doctors and my DC sat down and talked about my recent failure. Hmmm, perfect lining, perfect eggs, perfect transfer.
Hmmmmmm….. HMMMMMM!
The verdict?
Come on now…. you already know.
BAD LUCK.
Oh my m-f-ing lord, could they please have told me ANYTHING other than that???
Like a stake in my heart.
Oh, and the BEST part! My insurance denied all my claims the clinic submitted thus far. So I spent today ripping them a new a-hole. I may have suck-ass insurance (far from 100% coverage), but they are supposed to cover TWO IVF attempts. 1+1=2! You. Morons.
Anyway, we move on.
Over the next week or two, I’m going to set up the FET. I am still pondering if I want to take a short break. I am also pondering that this FET is cash only since my insurance is dry. So- netting it out…. I’m pondering. You’ll be the first to know.
Let’s review my warped reality, shall we?
My DE cycle carried with it a 70% chance of it working (my clinic stats). That means I was in the unlucky 30%.
The success rate for an FET from a DE cycle is 34% (again, my clinic stats). That means I have a 66% chance that it won’t work.
My dear husband (who I should say is usually NOT the optimistic one), reasoned it like this…
“If we were in the unlucky 30%, then this FET will be perfect since we have just as much chance to be in the lucky 34%!!”
!?!
I love you honey.
BagMomma 
oh no!!! hugs sweetie! huge hugs!
((((Shelli))))Wish I had the magic wand/potion/spell for you, girl. Your DH does rock with his comment!Bad luck? Insurance issues? I truly believe that, for going what IFs go through, we should get to hold the doctors' and insurance folks' balls in our hands as they deliver those responses. Maybe they'd be a little more compassionate with their comments if they felt some physical pain!
Why, why, why? Bad luck, smuck.I wish I had answers for you, I wish they had answers for you. To have to fight with the insurance company now, is really wrong.All of this is SO unfair.To socialize 3 days later, I'm amazed at your strength. ((HUGS))
Yeah, it's all statistics out here at the edge of the fertility map, isn't it? Some days you're on the good side, some days you fall off the damn edge. Totally stinks. Huge kudos to you for your amazing coping skills. I'm right there with you on the video games. Shuts your brain right off…. 🙂 I completely flunked my first DE IVF. And I love your husband's logic – he's a peach. If good stats can go bad, then it stands to reason bad stats can go good. Hang in there – you never know!!
As the Queen of DE Bad Luck, I am so sorry some of my bad luck leaked out onto you. Your chances with an FET are really pretty good, and I do know personally someone who just did an FET cycle to "get rid of the embyo" (only one) before they did the fresh cycle. She is 12 weeks along now! So don't discount the FET. Glad you are finding your way again, it just sucks to get bad news when you are hoping so hard. THinking of you.
"Bad luck??" What the hell??? That is SO frustrating… I agree with Carrie, as much as a diagnosis would suck, at least it would be something to try to fix. I do like your husband's logic though…and bless his heart, it sounds like he is remaining positive through all of this.Thinking of you!
I am so proud of you, Shelli. To see a new blog post today made me smile and say "way to go, girlfriend". On my way, very early in the morning, to take Ryan to college in North Carolina, which is causing an incredible amount of sadness/stress/fear/you name it to take over my ability to think straight. Will be taking my laptop with me so that I can stay up to date. Love you!! Emily
Bad luck sucks. I'm so sorry it had to ruin your cycle. It just goes to show, we all seem to think or want to hope that DE is the answer to our prayers and so many times it's not. I am so, so sorry. Glad to hear you are at least getting out and about and attempting to socialize – I'm impressed. I don't know if I'll be able to do that if I get bad news on Sunday. I seriously think I'll never leave the house again. Ugghh. I'm sorry!
"bad luck"??????sheeshI am just still so sad & shocked for you.I do adore your husband.xo
Like you said, if there was something wrong at least they could figure it out and fix it so it would be successful. Bad luck is horrid to hear. Sorry. Glad you were able to drink some of the pain away, it's better than talking to those three pregnant women.
slap! lolYeah, I've done the RPL circuit already. MTHFR, NK Cell, all clotting issues, thyroid, autoimmune, etc.Because I am a psycho patient that thinks LABS can make mistakes (imagine that)… I had all the testing done -twice.And, yeah, the immune stuff is dicey. My RE tests for some standard stuff there (not to a Dr. Beers level, if you are familiar with that). I have no interest going there.Hubby's sperm is supersonic, always has been. He recently had that new test…. hmmm, I forget what that was called… but, ok there too.I wish I had something to fix.
Hi I am so sorry, again. Can't imagine what it would be like to hear that – just bad luck. I have a feeling I will be hearing it all too soon, tho. Just started my DE cycle and already it looks doomed. You are amazingly resilient. So glad you got out and broke all the rules – well done!!
Bad luck, huh? I am always suspicious of that 'diagnosis.' But damn, it does seem to happen. More often than I or you, I'm sure, would like to see. I still can't believe it didn't work for you. This stuff sucks rocks.There do seem to be a fair number of women for whom DE #1 does not work, but the subsequent FET does. So I think you have every reason to be hopeful. Apparently this embryo picking business is not an exact science. I am living proof of that.Have you checked into MTHFR? I apologize if you've already posted about that. It can cause early loss. Then there's all the immune stuff to check into (although personally, I don't buy immune stuff – I've seen too many failures after expensive testing and treatment.) And I'm assuming you've checked out the Mister thoroughly as well?Just slap me if the answer is yes to the above. Just wishing I could somehow find the magic answer for you. Because 'bad luck' so does not cut it.You are a trooper and I will wish on every star I see that next time will be THE ONE for you.Hang in there…