Thank you all for your comments, and talking me down off that ledge yesterday.
And hello to my fellow ICLW‘ers. You have happened upon my blog at a very emotional time. I’m not normally this crazy… really.
You know, I had pondered lying low for this cycle (in the blogosphere, anyway) but over the last few days I just have had so many emotions about this. They were just eating me from the inside out… and you might know this about me- writing is my therapy. Mainly, because I don’t have the outlet IRL (well, except for S. and he’s just sick of my rambling).
Speaking of S., I should note that he is my rock, but he is a fragile fellow when it comes to our infertility treatment. He worries more than I do, I know this… always has. I struggle to understand how I can help him when he’s constantly worried about me. His feelings are deep, and judging by the fact that his cuticles are bloody today… he doesn’t need to say much more than that.
I also am concerned about my IRL relationships, and the fact that some of them have been blown to bits because of my struggle. To some, I am an object of pity… which hurts me to the core. To some who cannot relate to my plight, the silence is equally as horrifying. When I think about moving on, I wonder if I will ever not be the subject of hushed conversations. I wonder if anyone will ever treat me like an equal again, not as the 24/7 fragile porcelain doll they perceive me to be. Constantly on my mind..? IRL readers equate reading this text as communication in lieu of having a real conversation with me. What I thought might be a good mode of communication ultimately backfires in that respect. My fault entirely, and unfortunately I can’t put the genie back in that bottle.
Sure, I’d love to play this cool… (there are plenty of IF bloggers that can, and have successfully) but you all know me better than that. Yes, I’m worried sick that this won’t work. Yes, this really is the last stop. If this fails, we are NOT pursing further treatment or renewing the adoption path. There’s no monetary or emotional resources. More importantly, we want our life back.
I just had to say that. Because it’s not just words thrown out there for dramatic effect.
It’s my truth.
So, the new update for today: Donor’s retrieval scheduled for 10am Thursday. Unless they push out again, which I sincerely doubt.