Thank you all for your comments, and talking me down off that ledge yesterday.

And hello to my fellow ICLW‘ers. You have happened upon my blog at a very emotional time. I’m not normally this crazy… really.

You know, I had pondered lying low for this cycle (in the blogosphere, anyway) but over the last few days I just have had so many emotions about this. They were just eating me from the inside out… and you might know this about me- writing is my therapy. Mainly, because I don’t have the outlet IRL (well, except for S. and he’s just sick of my rambling).

Speaking of S., I should note that he is my rock, but he is a fragile fellow when it comes to our infertility treatment. He worries more than I do, I know this… always has. I struggle to understand how I can help him when he’s constantly worried about me. His feelings are deep, and judging by the fact that his cuticles are bloody today… he doesn’t need to say much more than that.

I also am concerned about my IRL relationships, and the fact that some of them have been blown to bits because of my struggle. To some, I am an object of pity… which hurts me to the core. To some who cannot relate to my plight, the silence is equally as horrifying. When I think about moving on, I wonder if I will ever not be the subject of hushed conversations. I wonder if anyone will ever treat me like an equal again, not as the 24/7 fragile porcelain doll they perceive me to be. Constantly on my mind..? IRL readers equate reading this text as communication in lieu of having a real conversation with me. What I thought might be a good mode of communication ultimately backfires in that respect. My fault entirely, and unfortunately I can’t put the genie back in that bottle.

Sure, I’d love to play this cool… (there are plenty of IF bloggers that can, and have successfully) but you all know me better than that. Yes, I’m worried sick that this won’t work. Yes, this really is the last stop. If this fails, we are NOT pursing further treatment or renewing the adoption path. There’s no monetary or emotional resources. More importantly, we want our life back.

I just had to say that. Because it’s not just words thrown out there for dramatic effect.

It’s my truth.

So, the new update for today: Donor’s retrieval scheduled for 10am Thursday. Unless they push out again, which I sincerely doubt.

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21 thoughts on “Truth

  1. Trust that what happens is meant to be and what's meant to be doesn't mean you will be OK with it, it could really suck. Hopefully it will be what you've been dreaming of, but you are strong and have a ton of support. Hang in there. ((((hugs))))

  2. I'm sorry you're going through such a rough time right now. IRL people never understand… It's inevitable that either you ignore it, or move on to other people…ICLW

  3. Hang in there sweetie – as for the IRL relationships, don't worry about them. The ones that are lasting and meaningful will be there for you when the rubber meets the road. We've been through the same type of crap. You just have to take care of you and yours. You are much tougher than you know – you'll get through this no matter what.Sending you big hugs!!!

  4. I know exactly how you feel – this is our last shot, too, so it is very stressful. I've also lost good friends in the process. This whole thing is just so hard, physically and emotionally. I completely understand when you say you just want your life back. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything works out for you and your sweet husband.

  5. In the midst of any type of ART cycle there isn't the time nor energy for much else to matter…take care of yourself..your family…your essentials. The IRL relationships will have to wait. You have plenty already to focus on.In the end we really only have our own truth. You have made the decision not to pursue further treatment, but for the moment you are in the midst of this treatment, this DE cycle. There's no need to 'play it cool'. Do or be whatever you need in order to survive this.Eight possible eggs? That sounds like quite a decent result. I hope to start a DE cycle soon too.Best wishes!*iclw*

  6. Here from ICLW and LFCA…There is plenty of time to mend IRL relationships, just not this week. This week, you've got plenty on your plate.Best of luck on Thursday, to all of you.

  7. Hi, I am right behind you in the DE process. I'm currently in lupron love land and have a baseline u/s this week before the happy joys of delestrogen. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! Best wishes and happy ICMLW

  8. I'm sorry I'm so late to the party, but your anxiety is totally understandable. Once you know that this is the last effort, it takes on so much more importance and the stakes seem so much more high. But, no matter what happens, you will get through this. You will make it. That has always comforted me when I have been particularly stressed and I hope that it brings you some comfort as well. Having said that, it ain't over until it's over. I'm hoping that there will be lots and lots of eggs that are retrieved! Sending lots of good thoughts your way!

  9. Here from ICLW- I can totally understand the needing an outlet. I blog to get it out too!!! I am hoping your donor has great success on Thursday!!

  10. Shelli,I've been following your blog lately and I'm on pins and needles as if it's my donor egg cycle. For now, I'm ignoring the fact that DE is probably in my future. But I can see myself in your comments. I've just had my first IVF cycle cancelled and I was (am) nuts with worry about the future. I totally get wanting your life back. Although I'm sure there's a lesson to be learned through this journey, I'm not there yet. Keep your head up! There's nothing to be gained with worry! Wishing you all the luck in the world and much stickiness at transfer!

  11. Last night – I read your blog and I could tell by the tone that you were defeated. I am not – perhaps I am naively optimistic, but I figured to myself that if you needed to feel defeated, that I would pray overtime last night to try to make all of your fears for naught. I guess I should have said that to you, but I don’t always have the right words to tell you that if you need to worry, go ahead. I will stay strong in my faith for you that this will work, with 30 eggs or 8. We’ve always had such a special bond – the sister I never had. I have at times contemplated stopping my reading of your blog, because I know that it has stunted our conversations. My thought – perhaps after writing an exhausting blog, the last thing you want to do is reiterate it with me (or anyone else for that matter). I want this for you and S. so badly. I ache for you – I pray for you – my mood at times mirrors yours. You are a part of my family – and when you hurt, so do I. I share your desire to expand your family, because when you expand your family, you are expanding mine too. I am still optimistic and even more so now that I read your fellow blogger comments. Nothing but happy thoughts right now Shell – stay positive! Love ya!

  12. This is funny, but I just posted today about how other people perceive me and react to me as a result of my infertility. I used the word "fragile" too, which is not the way I want to be seen. To me, there is a very clear line between being open and truthful about my struggles and being weak. I like to believe that openly communicating about it is a sign of strength, but I'm just not sure others feel that way. Or maybe they just don't know what to say and are afraid of saying the wrong thing?

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