The Monster in the closet

This post has been brewing for awhile now- the draft locked in my head wanting to finally be documented to make room for other thoughts.

I had a dream, not long after the drama in March after Donor#1 failed. I thought it was just the stress talking, a way for my mind to reset…

In my dream I was putting together a scrapbook, all lovely pictures of me, S., and David. As I turned the page there was a blank page just begging for photos. I reached into the pile of photos that remained on my desk.

The first thing that was seemed off was that each picture was black and white. I remember thinking “how odd” but when I looked closer to visually inspect them I noticed there were no people in any of the pictures. They were scenes familiar to me… our backyard, the beach, my family room.

But no people. I became frantic looking for pictures that had anyone I knew in them. But the pile seemed endless, and one after another, each picture was curiously absent of living things. Not even the cats.

I remember having the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, so in my dream I ran to the two people closest to me looking for an answer. I glided into my kitchen, and S. and David were eating eggs. The table was set for six. But they seemed sad, and again I found that the color in my dream had vanished to a dark grey.

And then the dream ended.

I woke up in tears, and my first instinct was to reach over to S. to ensure he was there, and then I walked off to David’s room to check on him. He was sleeping of course. But I sat down in the rocking chair next to his bed and replayed that dream in my head… looking for meaning.

And so began those terrible thoughts in my head after that night.

What is to become of me if this cycle doesn’t work???

This is it. This is the last stop in my journey. There is no more after this. No more injections, no more tests, no more doctors visits. No more loans on top of loans. No more planning around a 28 day calendar.

How will I ever become whole again when I’ve been carrying around years of disappointment and loss like a monkey on my back?

I’ve been trying to shove these thoughts from my head. “Worry about that when the time comes..” I say to myself.

But each morning it is the first thing on my mind when I awake.

…and it is the last thing I think about when I lie down to sleep.

It’s the monster in the closet, behind the door I don’t dare open. What is to become of me when I have to turn that doorknob? It’s almost like being told you are going to die, but instead of not knowing when.. you have a date.

Because very soon …I will know.

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15 thoughts on “The Monster in the closet

  1. Popping in from the crème de la crème list. That dream sounds very, very eery. The reality is no walk in the park either, knowing what's looming but not how you'll cope if the need arises.

  2. Oh, Shelli. I know just how you feel. I wish I had some words of wisdom, but I'm not even going near my closet until I have to. I'm deep in denial at the moment! And I also truly feel that this is the last time I can go through this. But if I've learned nothing else it's to never say never. There's no way to know when something is right around the corner, maybe wonderful maybe terrible. The only way to know is to turn the corner..Thinking of you.

  3. I'm here from the round-up. Mel was right of course – despite the terrible circumstances which prompted you to write all of this, the way in which you describe it all is so achingly beautiful. My wish for you is that there are no more monsters. May all the colors return with renewed vibrancy.

  4. Hope things are going ok with you. Thanks for your support on my blog – I haven't been very good at leaving comments lately. I am scared to be too excited; and wondering what I'll do if it doesn't work (kinda like you I think)good luck, thinking of you!

  5. The anticipation is always, always worse than the reality. And though it may be difficult you will be able to get through anything. You will be OK, no matter what happens. Just remember that. You will be OK.–MM

  6. I know deep in my guts how emotionally charged you feel right now: an all or nothing scenerio sucks.I had to tell myself that no matter what, I would get through life if my DE cycle turned up negative. I had 4 miscarriages before and each time I felt like I would die, but you know what? I got back up again. I would survive. YOU will survive – no matter what.

  7. Oh, how I know that monster. I am sorry to hear you are feeling the fear, but keep in mind that it is a feeling and not reality. You still have very, very high chances of success, so much better than with your own eggs. Don't let that monster get too big and ugly. He hasn't earned it yet.Keeping my fingers crossed for you — hang in there!

  8. It really is the monster in the closet, isn't it?I think it's hard to put to rest our worries, especially when we've had such heartache.Just know that I'm pulling for you…

  9. There are so many different angles you can take with that dream, some very optimistic (as well). Hoping and praying for this to work for you and that instead of shutting the door, you are opening it to a bright, colorful future.

  10. I know exactly how you are feeling. I have vague memories of that type of panic…I too, put them out of my head. I just had to trust that it would work…but I knew it was my Hail Mary pass. It sucks to not know how it will all turn out.

  11. I know that it is very different from me as being a surrogate. The remainder of my life does not depend on whether or not a cycle works. However, because it was Chance and Apollo's last cycle, I had many of the same feelings on their behalf as we were leading up to that last cycle. "How will they rebuild their lives if…." There was a cloying, scratching fear that resonated through the whole cycle, a looming incredulity that over the fact that this was IT – their last shot at having even one baby. And that hurt even me all through the course of the cycle, and it hurts even more now that that chance has come and gone with no luck. So on that end, I feel you. All of that said, don't let the parallel that I pointed out get you down. I really don't think that your fate will be the same as C&A's. You have far better odds going into your cycle than we did, and I have a REALLY good feeling about this. I really do! (((HUGS)))

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