This post has been brewing for awhile now- the draft locked in my head wanting to finally be documented to make room for other thoughts.
I had a dream, not long after the drama in March after Donor#1 failed. I thought it was just the stress talking, a way for my mind to reset…
In my dream I was putting together a scrapbook, all lovely pictures of me, S., and David. As I turned the page there was a blank page just begging for photos. I reached into the pile of photos that remained on my desk.
The first thing that was seemed off was that each picture was black and white. I remember thinking “how odd” but when I looked closer to visually inspect them I noticed there were no people in any of the pictures. They were scenes familiar to me… our backyard, the beach, my family room.
But no people. I became frantic looking for pictures that had anyone I knew in them. But the pile seemed endless, and one after another, each picture was curiously absent of living things. Not even the cats.
I remember having the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach, so in my dream I ran to the two people closest to me looking for an answer. I glided into my kitchen, and S. and David were eating eggs. The table was set for six. But they seemed sad, and again I found that the color in my dream had vanished to a dark grey.
And then the dream ended.
I woke up in tears, and my first instinct was to reach over to S. to ensure he was there, and then I walked off to David’s room to check on him. He was sleeping of course. But I sat down in the rocking chair next to his bed and replayed that dream in my head… looking for meaning.
And so began those terrible thoughts in my head after that night.
What is to become of me if this cycle doesn’t work???
This is it. This is the last stop in my journey. There is no more after this. No more injections, no more tests, no more doctors visits. No more loans on top of loans. No more planning around a 28 day calendar.
How will I ever become whole again when I’ve been carrying around years of disappointment and loss like a monkey on my back?
I’ve been trying to shove these thoughts from my head. “Worry about that when the time comes..” I say to myself.
But each morning it is the first thing on my mind when I awake.
…and it is the last thing I think about when I lie down to sleep.
It’s the monster in the closet, behind the door I don’t dare open. What is to become of me when I have to turn that doorknob? It’s almost like being told you are going to die, but instead of not knowing when.. you have a date.
Because very soon …I will know.