You know what stinks?
I am growing bored with my secondary infertility label. In fact, my lack in speaking about my upcoming donor cycle is directly related to the funk I am in.
I cleaned my Google Reader today. And I am a category lover, so it won’t surprise you that of the 250 or so blogs I follow, I have categories so I know what I am looking at.
One of my categories, which was full for years is “SIF/TTC” or “IF/TTC” (Secondary Infertility/Trying to Conceive and Infertility/Trying to Conceive). The joyful part is over the years there’s been a complete turnover. About 95% of my bloggy buddies passed through this category in my reader to “SIF/IF PG”, “IF/SIF Adopt”, “Off the Hamster Wheel For Good” (self-explanatory), or “Friends/Moms”.
I have just two blogs left in my SIF/TTC category. One is a newer friend, the other… a blogging buddy who started TTC#2 the same time I did and curiously has had 5 losses as well (what are the odds, friend?).
While I am genuinely happy for all my buds who passed onto the other side (a few after a quest much longer than mine), or chose another path after much consideration, -the fact remains that I am still stuck in the same place.
And I’m still licking my wounds.
And some days I am fine.
And some days I feel like my heart could drop out of my chest because it hurts so bad. I don’t want to reach the milestone of 5 years TTC. I just don’t.
Two weeks from today, I will be on vacation, far away from this situation… and honestly, it can’t come at a better time. I am just exhausted talking about it. I don’t want to talk about it.
So, just as a warning… my posts in the future specifically about what’s going on with the DE cycle may be non-existent, or erratic at best.
Right now, everything is fine. The Donor passed my litmus test I talked about here. Donor is getting her Day 3 u/s and labs done while I’m on vacation (we missed the window.. her consult/interview was on Day 6 so we had to wait a whole month… figures). Basically, I should know a lot more after Memorial Day when I get home. Perhaps a June calendar if we are lucky.
I have an appointment next week for another trial transfer, sonohysterogram, and new blood cultures (mine expired from the last time I had them drawn). S.’s bloodwork expired too, so he has to go in for a redraw.
My mammogram is due, and my Pap is due (which means another visit to the place I can’t stand).
Reminders that my journey just gets longer and longer.
For now, that is all. We now return you to regular programming.
9 thoughts on “And time marches on”
Five years is a long time to be working towards the dream of expanding your family. (((HUGS))) Our five year mark is this July. I am catiously optimistic with you that this DE cycle will be the one to make your dreams comes true. Anyway, just want you to know that I am here, I am reading and that you are in my thoughts and prayers, as always. Are you going to one of our mutual favorite vacation spots? If so, I am jealous! 😉 Their daily status updates on FB taunt me with daydreams of going there… 🙂
So sorry this has been a long hard journey for you – hopefully you are nearing the ultimate goal though! I’m glad your donor is getting lined up finally, honestly it just seems like there’s always some problem that delays our cycles! Good luck going ahead, and if you don’t feel like blogging, that’s ok. Or blog about something else, like shopping! I just like hearing how you’re doing.
hugs…i can’t imagine what a hard place you are in. a vacation sounds perfect! sorry things got delayed a month with the donorhugs
It looks like we may be going through DE cycles at similar times. I will begin cycling with my donor in July. I also don’t plan on blogging much about DE stuff as I am feeling particularly sensitive and private about it right now.I get what you mean about the 5 year mark. I sometimes think about if I had done DE when the first doctor I went to suggested it(about 3 1/2 years ago). I’d have a two year old by now. But the time spent hurting got me to the place where I can be happy for this option and truly feel good about it- or as good as one can feel about a second choice.I wish you the best of luck in this part of your journey and am here for you.
I don’t know exactly what you’re going through, but I do know that it is exhausting to talk about and think about all the time something tragic and unfortunate that is eating at us. Sometimes it’s just easier to keep quiet and internalize things. at least for me. hang in there and have a great trip.
so hear you on the years and years…it just sucks ass.But I am really glad to hear about the donor cycle progress- and totally get why you may not be writing about it as much.will be thinking of you TONS tho. xo
What are the odds!?! ;)I was just thinking about this yesterday…as I had my blood work done. I’m tired of explaining that we’re still trying, that we’ve had losses, that it’s been too long. And I feel like my posts just seem to be the same thing over and over.Enjoy your vacation, you deserve it!((HUGS))
It took us almost exactly 5 years, so I feel you.
I hear you. It’s exhausting to write and think about this stuff, day in, day out. I’ve been wanting to post less too, but for different reasons.Glad you are making progress with your donor. You’ll be cycling before you know it.Have a great vacation!