You know what stinks?
I am growing bored with my secondary infertility label. In fact, my lack in speaking about my upcoming donor cycle is directly related to the funk I am in.
I cleaned my Google Reader today. And I am a category lover, so it won’t surprise you that of the 250 or so blogs I follow, I have categories so I know what I am looking at.
One of my categories, which was full for years is “SIF/TTC” or “IF/TTC” (Secondary Infertility/Trying to Conceive and Infertility/Trying to Conceive). The joyful part is over the years there’s been a complete turnover. About 95% of my bloggy buddies passed through this category in my reader to “SIF/IF PG”, “IF/SIF Adopt”, “Off the Hamster Wheel For Good” (self-explanatory), or “Friends/Moms”.
I have just two blogs left in my SIF/TTC category. One is a newer friend, the other… a blogging buddy who started TTC#2 the same time I did and curiously has had 5 losses as well (what are the odds, friend?).
While I am genuinely happy for all my buds who passed onto the other side (a few after a quest much longer than mine), or chose another path after much consideration, -the fact remains that I am still stuck in the same place.
And I’m still licking my wounds.
And some days I am fine.
And some days I feel like my heart could drop out of my chest because it hurts so bad. I don’t want to reach the milestone of 5 years TTC. I just don’t.
Two weeks from today, I will be on vacation, far away from this situation… and honestly, it can’t come at a better time. I am just exhausted talking about it. I don’t want to talk about it.
So, just as a warning… my posts in the future specifically about what’s going on with the DE cycle may be non-existent, or erratic at best.
Right now, everything is fine. The Donor passed my litmus test I talked about here. Donor is getting her Day 3 u/s and labs done while I’m on vacation (we missed the window.. her consult/interview was on Day 6 so we had to wait a whole month… figures). Basically, I should know a lot more after Memorial Day when I get home. Perhaps a June calendar if we are lucky.
I have an appointment next week for another trial transfer, sonohysterogram, and new blood cultures (mine expired from the last time I had them drawn). S.’s bloodwork expired too, so he has to go in for a redraw.
My mammogram is due, and my Pap is due (which means another visit to the place I can’t stand).
Reminders that my journey just gets longer and longer.
For now, that is all. We now return you to regular programming.