I mentioned before that I am feeling rather challenged lately with the thought that someone omnipotent is in charge of my destiny. With some of the misfortune we’ve had (S. and I) around fertility, we hear this comment a lot… “There is a reason for everything.” As if to say, “God has planned for you to be tortured in your quest for another child, but don’t worry… He has his reasons and you aren’t supposed to know them.”
I really have tried to reconcile my feelings around this, but I am just not making the connection anymore.
I’m sort of having a falling out with my faith.
You see, the part that troubles me the most is an irrational fear that there is a spiritual pecking order. And somehow, I rate lower than a pregnant crack whore.
Ok, that’s a bit much, but I used those words to make the example clear.
I have to admit, I just can’t believe that something with a higher power would put anyone through such hardship in trying to achieve such an altruistic goal.
Why are there so many women who break their backs to have even ONE child denied?
Why are those of us wanting to expand our family denied?
Why would a child be taken from the earth from a loving family?
Is this the will of a higher power? Really??
I can’t believe that. Not when there are teens having unplanned pregnancies. Not when babies are born to parents that have no regard for their children’s safety or welfare. Not when every person I meet has “ooops!” babies and especially when they lament their fertile state on top of it.
I don’t think that there is a rhyme or reason to anything anymore. It is simply a roll of the dice. Some people hit the jackpot… others end up penniless.
Because if there really was a contest for “Most Deserving Parent” myself and every. single. one. of my infertile blogging friends would get what they wish for.