Getting what we deserve

I mentioned before that I am feeling rather challenged lately with the thought that someone omnipotent is in charge of my destiny. With some of the misfortune we’ve had (S. and I) around fertility, we hear this comment a lot… “There is a reason for everything.” As if to say, “God has planned for you to be tortured in your quest for another child, but don’t worry… He has his reasons and you aren’t supposed to know them.”

I really have tried to reconcile my feelings around this, but I am just not making the connection anymore.

I’m sort of having a falling out with my faith.

You see, the part that troubles me the most is an irrational fear that there is a spiritual pecking order. And somehow, I rate lower than a pregnant crack whore.

Ok, that’s a bit much, but I used those words to make the example clear.

I have to admit, I just can’t believe that something with a higher power would put anyone through such hardship in trying to achieve such an altruistic goal.

Why are there so many women who break their backs to have even ONE child denied?
Why are those of us wanting to expand our family denied?
Why would a child be taken from the earth from a loving family?

Is this the will of a higher power? Really??

I can’t believe that. Not when there are teens having unplanned pregnancies. Not when babies are born to parents that have no regard for their children’s safety or welfare. Not when every person I meet has “ooops!” babies and especially when they lament their fertile state on top of it.

I don’t think that there is a rhyme or reason to anything anymore. It is simply a roll of the dice. Some people hit the jackpot… others end up penniless.

Because if there really was a contest for “Most Deserving Parent” myself and every. single. one. of my infertile blogging friends would get what they wish for.

6 thoughts on “Getting what we deserve

  1. Asking myself the unanswerables is usually what ends up putting me in a foul mood. Why not my IPs? They’ve been through enough. Why the 15 year old that I teach and not them? *sigh*

  2. Thanks for all the great things to think about.I know I have a tendency to not always see the good that can stem from misfortune. You guys ROCK because you can commiserate with me and yet remind me of that!

  3. I agree with you that it is beyond insensitive for someone like me, who has not experienced infertility personally to make comments such as those although in their defense it is probably one of those situations where they are struggling to know what the right words are when a loved one is struggling with something so visceral.However, the will of God has so much more to do with each individual situation, and there are situations that won’t make sense to any of us this side of eternity. I know it is not God’s will that children are starving in Africa and being abused and neglected even in our own country but He can take all those situations (and yours) and use them for good. I have had horrendous experiences in life that I can now use to reach out to people in similar situations. Had I not gone through those trials, I would not be able to tell people that are molested, have cancer, live in foster care,etc. that I know how they feel. It truly is all in your perspective. God only wants good for us but that is not always possible in this fallen world.

  4. I’ve been reading this silly little book called The Bounce Back Book, and while I can’t actually recommend the book, it has been a bit helpful in a silly way in dealing with my multiple miscarriages/infertility. It is full of all these little “tips” to help bounce back. Tip #45 that coincidentally I read today is “On the spiritual path, the bigger our misfortunes, the bigger the compliment.” It then explains that in Buddhism, huge difficulties are thought to be a compliment – a sign you’re an old soul being tested to see if you’re ready to rise to the next level toward enlightenment. Admittedly that wouldn’t help me while in the midst of a miscarriage, but I find it an interesting thought when I have the ability to step back a bit (like now while on a “break” from the whole TTC thing) I guess my whole point is that if there is a spiritual pecking order, maybe you are actually toward the top?

  5. Ditto what Kim said! I hated (and still hate) when people use that line of reasoning with me. Even now, after the recent birth of my son, I’ve had a few friends give me the — “see it all worked out in the end, there was a reason…” bullshit. Now, yes in some ways it did work out. I now have a beautiful healthy son who I adore, but you know what. I still would have liked to have avoided the years of pain and agony that we experienced and I still would have liked to have had my children closer in age and I still would have liked to have been younger and able to entertain the possibilit of a third. It seems like the people who do use this line of reasoning are always those with a gaggle of children and who had no trouble getting them. Um, can you tell this sort of thing gets me riled up!

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