Apparently I have not suffered enough

Donor is out.

After all the waiting, I am back to nothing again.

I am fucking tired of being disappointed. The world keeps turning, and I am perpetually left behind. This time I didn’t even get a chance to fail!

What did I do to deserve this sick kind of torture?

I can’t even form words. I am heartbroken.

21 thoughts on “Apparently I have not suffered enough

  1. Oh Shell! That really sucks. (((HUGS))) I am sorry I didn’t see this post sooner. I am glad that you have had a lot of support and that your clinic is handling this well going forward. You are in my thoughts and prayers, as always. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

  2. So so sorry that you are facing this. I was afraid this whole cycle that our donor would pull out (for no good reason, I was just freakin) How long until they can present you with another match? Is it possible for you to consider an outside donor agency? This really sucks.

  3. Oh, jesus. Why can’t this be easier? This really sucks, Shelli, and I’m really sorry to hear this news. I can understand and relate to the heartbreak. Yes, it’s better you know now, but it still sucks. Take good care of yourself and I hope you can see some light in the tunnel soon.

  4. What disappointing and disheartening news. Things were looking so good, so promising and then wham! I can only imagine how (rightfully) frustrated you feel right now. To have gone through all of this effort and have this be the outcome. You will get there, though. I know it as surely as I know the sun will continue to rise each morning. Even if gratification delayed is sweeter, the delay still sucks. Many, many hugs.

  5. Thank you all for your comments. I can do nothing right now other than keep myself occupied with reading. To comment on my clinic and policies… this in-house program is rather small (they have maybe 40-50 donors on the books at any time). Some of the donor's never even get selected (some languish for more than a year on the list), so other than general interview, bio, and basic b/w, they do not do more in-depth testing until someone chooses the donor. I undertstand how hard it is to keep that testing current when they are not doing the volume like some of the mega-agencies.I'm not mad at my clinic, I am mad that I ended up as the exception to the rule > AGAIN!!(Most of the donors get thru all the testing in less than 6-8 weeks) so I go the shaft TWICE here.

  6. My god – Shell, I am so sorry. That’s awful that she didn’t work out, but I guess there is a slight silver lining in that you found out now. I know that’s very little comfort for what you are feeling right now. You are in my thoughts today – hugsJaclyn

  7. My heart just cracked into a million pieces for you. I’m with Peeveme – I’m really upset and surprised that your clinic didn’t finish all medical and psychological screenings prior to making her available. You’re right – it is a good thing that the brakes were pulled now, but I know that does little to soothe the ache in your heart. Please know that I am thinkng of you.

  8. WHAT!!!!!!!!!!! what the freak happened??? it was going so well??? oh CRAP I am so freakin sorry! You totally don’t deserve all this crap, I wish more then anything I could fix this for you! hugs

  9. Oh wow..I am so sorry. I didn’t see that coming. If you recall I had to not move forward with my first donor. I was going through an agency and the donor did not tell them that she had already done like 6 donor cycles. Not only did I not want to mover forward with her but there is no way my Dr. would touch her.When the rad flags started popping up I started to look for another donor so when I finally dropped her I was emotionally ok because I had already started to embrace another donor. Also, I am not clear why your clinic does not do all the medical and psych screening of donors BEFORE they are matched. It makes no sense to me and causes a lot of wasted time, effort, money and emotions. When I selected my donor from my clinic all she had to do is agree and get her period and then we were off and running. All here tests were done. All this is probably of no comfort to you right now. I know what it’s like to have your donor fall through. You have already imagined your children…created an attachment to her and the wasted time thing just kills. I know you will feel like shit for a few days but if I know you, you will be ready to move onto your next step very soon. I am so sorry this happened.

  10. I’m glad for your sake they found out there were psych issues, and that the logical side of you knows it’s a good thing.I also understand to some extent the frustration and sadness at having to face another roadblock on your IF journey. All I can do is tell you you’re in my thoughts and offer you a virtual hug.((((Shelli))))

  11. She was eliminated because her psych eval threw up major red flags. I’m glad they found it (it wasn’t something they would have uncovered in the initial interviews), but it’s still heartbreaking.Logical side of me says this is a good thing.Emotional side, different story.

  12. Oh Shelli :(Did she get eliminated for other reasons or did she just drop out? Either way that is just awful news. Yeesh..we NEED to get an upswing going here!!Thinking about you…((hugs))

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