So here we are.

I did manage to finally get some sleep since my last post. I was starting to think something was seriously wrong with me. Like I’d end up on the show “House” as the sleepless woman, and Dr. House would diagnose me with some bizarre one in a million disease. And then I’d be given a terminal diagnosis only to be clutched from death’s door because of something simple like a bug bite on my pinky toe.

Anyway….

I did have my consult with Dr. Nerd yesterday. It was as expected, but with a lot of CHEERS and JEERS.

Dr. Nerd likes to state the obvious, and each time we sit down for one of these pow-wows, he feels the need to review my entire infertile history. As if I’ve forgotten. From the five miscarriages, to the questionable blocked tube, my “unknown” diagnosis, perfect blood work, my ease at getting pregnant but not, my annoying cervix, the various drama interspersed over the last three years…

I tried to keep my eyes from rolling to the back of my head.

But then we talked about my last failed IVF cycle. He went on to say that 14 eggs for a woman my age (40 years, 6 months) was practially a record-breaking event (CHEERS). Then the fact that 12 eggs fertilized normally was also above average (CHEERS).

Then the bad news. Which we already knew. The transfer with the top three failed. (JEERS) And then he dropped the bomb about my “so-called”over-achieving embryos…

Of the nine remaining in the embryology lab, by Day 4 all were abnormal (just on sight). By the end of Day 4, 8 had arrested (stopped growing). One lonely embryo had made it to blast, but it was so badly fragmented and abnormal looking they deemed it not suitable to freeze.

Of course we will never know what really happened to the three that were transferred. But obviously they likely suffered the same fate.

At least it wasn’t a miscarriage! That thought has brought me comfort in the last three weeks, and I heard myself say it in my head at the table.

So then we turned to the “what now” portion of the consult. We talked statistics. My clinic is one of the best in my area, but even so… trying on my own would be a very much uphill battle.

Having been on the wrong side of the statistics SO MANY times, I am no longer the woman looking at the half-full glass.

8-12% is my chances of a “clinical” pregnancy on my own with another IVF cycle. “Clinical” as in a positive pregnancy test. That number does not account for miscarriages after a positive test. The real “take-home baby” percent is waaaay lower. Can it happen? Well miracles can always happen. But with my history and old eggs, it’s very unlikely.

Age is my enemy. I may be an egg-producing anomaly for a 40 year old, but quantity does not trump quality. It doesn’t do a damn thing for me.

65% is my chances of a “clinical” pregnancy with Donor Eggs. The miscarriage rate is way lower because my age doesn’t matter. The added bonus is with my clinic’s donor program, eggs making it to freeze are a common occurrence. So even if it didn’t work out of the gate from a fresh cycle, FET cycles are likely. And even a frozen cycle with DE triples or quadruples my chances. The downside is money. But money is money, and with the debt I’m in, what’s another 12k?

I have ONE insured IVF cycle left on my medical insurance. Any person would be crazy to bet on my eggs. Hell, I wouldn’t even bet on them.

So I’m not.

And so begins chapter #god knows what in my quest.

Now I see why people become addicted to gambling.

The pain of losing money pales in comparison to the hope of the payoff.

The BIG payoff.