Down the Rabbit Hole

So here I am.

The last week has been really, really… odd. First the world comes to a complete stop for a day, and then life goes on. Trouble is everything is upside down and right side up.

Caterpillar: Who… are… you?
Alice: Why, I hardly know, sir. I’ve changed so much since this morning, you see…
Caterpillar: No, I do not C, explain yourself.
Alice: I’m afraid I can’t explain myself, you see, because I’m not myself, you know.
Caterpillar: I do not know.
Alice: I can’t put it any more clearly, sir, because it isn’t clear to me.

Alice in Wonderland, yes, that’s me. Where nothing makes sense and everything makes perfect sense.

My son’s first days of school have been challenging for him and me. A new schedule, new people, new environment, and a little bit of tears. Tears from David, that is. I know it will take awhile for him to feel comfortable in his new world, but it’s a very odd emotion coming from him. He is usually the fearless one. The independent little man. The boy who n-e-v-e-r cries. To see tears in his eyes as he gets on the bus rattles me, because I’ve been there too. The unknown is scary sometimes.

Then there’s work. I’m still on my sabbatical, one week left to be a pretend stay-at-home mom. I am frantically knocking things off the to-do list as if the world ends next Tuesday when I return to work. Work has been on my mind. There is more responsibility on the horizon… and in order for me to keep moving forward I need to break out of my shell and move on to different challenges- some of them way out of my comfort zone, but what I need to do.

And, the baby-making business. The phone has not rung yet with advice from “the collective”, otherwise known as my four RE’s. I suppose I can beat them to the punch and schedule a consult. They had their meeting, and I’m sure that there was a universal head-scratching when discussing my chart. My chart which now looks like two reams of paper. Rampant with words like, “Habitual Aborter without Current Pregnancy”, and “Female Infertility with Unspecified Origin”. I’ve had wild thoughts of just letting it all go, and never stepping foot in the RE’s office, but who am I kidding?

I also have my International Adoption paperwork stack off the side of my desk. I fear to look into it again, because the pang of the unknown is there, but I know that once I flip that switch I will be headlong into another venture. The difference being that there is a beginning, middle, and end. The problem is the middle. It is so vast in terms of time. And time is dwindling, no doubt about that.

I cleaned my closet today. It felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders after I hung up the last hanger and drove the clothes to Goodwill. I ignored the old baby stuff in the corner. I pondered tossing them in the dumpster, but even that was too much brain space to occupy even for another second.

Maybe next week will feel a little different.

Alice: Well, when one’s lost, I suppose it’s good advice to stay where you are until someone finds you. But who’d ever think to look for me here?

6 thoughts on “Down the Rabbit Hole

  1. Hi there. Sorry for taking so long to post here — thanks for your comment. Also sorry things have been tough. I can relate. Even though my daughter is in first grade, she started at a new school this year and has to go to another new place for after school care. In the past these transitions were always harder on me than her, but as she gets older and is more aware that she doesn’t know anyone it’s getting harder on her too. Anyway, I’m sooo sorry that your cycle didn’t work out and I’m sorry things have been tough with the school transition. Hoping that things get better soon.

  2. Ah, these kind of weeks always freak me out a little. As if the world is a little tilted and you are constantly trying to right yourself. You will get right side up – physically, emotionally and infertility-wise. I’m hoping that it happens sooner rather than later.

  3. After having another m/c last month, I feel somewhat similar to you. Yet, life goes on. I asked my dr. if he’d prescribe Lovenox even though I don’t have clotting issues and he agreed to next time I have a BFP. Might you try as well? I’m so sorry the IVF didn’t work…

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