Is this real?

A few days of good news is enough to trigger the negative thoughts to start creeping in, and boy did I have them last night.

I know logically that I have crossed the border into self-preservation mode. I know that every negative thought is my internal-self protecting me from disappointment at all costs.

14 eggs were retrieved (above average for a gal my age)! 12 fertilized eggs is stellar (ICSI not needed)!

And today, news that all twelve embryos are dividing nicely, perfectly, in fact.

So I should be excited….

right?

But no. My mind wanders to my history. Every. single. time. something seemed great, it ended up to be devastating.

I think I would have been a bit more positive right now if I had not had the last failed pregnancy in February. THAT pregnancy seemed perfect. Perfect response to an IUI cycle, a BFP on my 40th birthday, betas doubling, heart beat beating… and then… it was snatched out of my hands.

“Destiny is a fickle bitch…”, or so says Benjamin Linus (for you “Lost” fans). And that quote has been rummaging in my head for the last 24 hours.

Is it okay to let myself be happy? Am I damning the universe by being a teensy bit excited?

At times, I find myself at ease with the unknown. I think and BELIEVE that whatever happens, I will be strong, and I will find peace. For the last three months, I’ve been in that place… successfully. No stressing out. Whatever will be will be.

I am good at tricking myself into believing that.

But just as HOPE creeps in, I don’t believe it anymore.

I stomp my feet on the ground like a petulant toddler, and I demand that I be rewarded for the last three (almost 4) years of hell. I paid my dues. I lived on both sides of the fertility fence. I understand and have learned more about myself than I had in the previous 37 years.

I am due. Long over-due…

Transfer is set for tomorrow @ 1pm ET.

11 thoughts on “Is this real?

  1. Everything looks great, you’ve made it over all the hurdles and this time CAN be different. A friend of mine had 3 mcs in a row followed by 2 beautiful IVF little girls. A cause was never determined for her mcs and I always keep her in my thoughts as I go through my rpl issues too. Although, we don’t know each other, I read your blog all the time, wish you all the best and keep you in my prayers. Every person who has a successful outcome after multiple losses becomes my inspiration to keep going. He’s hoping to add you to that list. Best of luck tomorrow.

  2. Wish I didn’t, but I know exactly what you mean. But I’m so glad things have gone so well so far and all my appendages are crossed for you. I’ll be thinking of you tomorrow!

  3. I’m going to focus on the positive and I have my fingers crossed for this cycle. I know how hard it is to keep the negative thoughts at bay when you’ve experienced failure multiple times. I’m hoping this time is different for you.

  4. I know what you mean about feeling long over-due… I don’t think there is anything wrong with being positive and optismistic that this cycle will be successful. Though your attitude may or may not influence the outcome, if nothing else it will help you to be happier during this time. I know it always helped me when we were cycling last year to focus on the fact that we were doing/trying everything to try to have another child/give our son a sibling and beyond that it was out of our hands (which I know can be hard to make peace with). Anyway, you are doing great! Hang in there! One day at a time…

  5. When you’ve seen the negative outcome so many times, it is pretty hard not to just expect that it will come again. I am happy for you that you’re still able to be excited — that’s a good thing. I’ve been there too and it is really hard. I didn’t find a way out of it (I was fearful the whole time) but I sure hope you can get through it. xoxoxo

  6. I say that when you catch sight of hope peeking around the door, grab her and yank her in for a cup of tea! Read her stories, rub her feet, convince her to stay. She’s darn good company.Wishing you best of luck on your transfer!

  7. Oh, how I know this! It’s hard not to think that you are being punished for having hope or for daring to think that maybe this time could work. I think the key is to remember that this is not those other times – this is a new experience. What will happen will happen, but I don’t believe that it is influenced by what came before. Focus on the present and you will probably feel a lot better. Sending lots of sticky vibes for tomorrow!

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