I helped S. install our new sink (which is working now) and as we finished cleaning up I tuned into the Diane Sawyer special about Randy Pausch, who passed away this past weekend.

Now, unless you’ve been living under a rock the last year, you know this guy’s story. Diagnosed with cancer, he gave the speech of his life in front of students, faculty and friends of Carnegie Mellon University after learning of his diagnosis.

When I tell you I bawled though the news special last night, I am not exaggerating.

Here was a guy that faced death straight in the face, and instead of lying down… he embraced life, and left a lasting legacy to his family.

There was a point in the broadcast where he had talked about cancer in relation to a football analogy…

“Sometimes you walk off the field and the scoreboard didn’t end up the way you wanted , [but] you knew you gave it all…and the other team was too strong. I’m not going to beat [cancer]…but we have no regrets… sometimes you’re just not going to beat [it].. but you want to walk off the field saying ‘no regrets’ I gave it my best shot.”

This statement was so powerful, and so poignant. A million things went though my head.

And it dawned on me that though these last few years I’ve been straddling that line… attempting to create new life while always mourning the lives lost along the way. Each dead baby a reminder that I can’t control the score.

Fighting and losing over and over, and simultaneously fearing that the time clock is running out.

Death, in all forms, sucks.