Often, I think about infertility and the sheer madness of all of the emotions around it. The highs are so high, and the lows are just shattering. Rarely is there a middle ground.
Back around my 2nd/3rd miscarriage (who’s counting, right?), I remember writing a post about trying to not put my life on hold any longer. I started planning vacations for whenever I felt like it, and S. and I no longer thought of the distant future, because trying to plan our future was like searching for a specific grain of sand in the ocean… it was just pointless.
Footloose and fancy-free, we started making plans inviting the heavens to rain on our parade. Somehow it seemed logical that if we made/PLANNED our lives this way we’d laugh one day when we were suddenly caught with a new baby and a bad circumstance (oh my, we’ll have to cancel that $10,000 non-refundable dream cruise!… oh no, now that we threw away the baby gear… looks like we needed it! Let’s just buy a REALLY small car… hell, we don’t need it!)
But you know what? Tempting fate hasn’t worked that well either.
So, with this IVF cycle looming close on the horizon, I am a bit annoyed that I MUST clear my calendar for July/August. Ok, maybe annoyed isn’t the right word. Maybe it’s worrisome. Because all my previous plans never worked, so I am already looking ahead at failing because it requires that I make a PLAN. And hell, I’ve already proven that planning=failure.
I know, not a fabulous mindset to start this with.
But among all of this… for some crazy, unknown reason I feel like I could be on the cusp of something big. I don’t know where the feeling is coming from. Almost as if I am teetering and swaying JUST A TOUCH closer to having a little bit of (I’m not gonna say it)… okay, but just this once… luck.
How in the world could this wave of positivity surround me now? After everything that’s happened… how in the world am I capable of feeling like the tide could change?
Eternal optimist? That was something I always defined myself with. I lost so much of that recently, but to my surprise, the optimist in me is STILL there… just covered up with all of the intense emotions I have had to endure over the last three years. But it’s there.
I think I am just starting to understand that even if my life isn’t how I planned, maybe it CAN be okay if I just give it my best shot and roll with it.
Maybe I need to stop PLANNING and forcing all this reverse psychology on myself.
Maybe I just need to let go. It’s the one thing I haven’t tried yet, and maybe it just might work.
6 thoughts on “Hitch your wagon to a star”
I just read your comments about planning stuff to tempt fate and that’s exactly where I am now! I have a 3yr old son and just had my 3rd miscarriage (all three were different trisomy so bad luck). After 3 you just can’t stop life and wait because who knows when the baby will actually happen! So are you doing IVF w/ PGD? I am considering the same but the odds still don’t look very good.
You’re pretty amazing to have this energy and hope. I am impressed by you. And it can’t hurt to be optimistic right?–MM
I actually used the mantra (and still do, even now), “What’s the worst that could happen? The absolute WORST.” and then I would realize that even “that” I could survive.
I think it’s important to redefine what failure is in relation to cycling. I believe that nothing you try is a failure if it gives you more information and guides your next steps, whatever they may be.
I’m so happy David got into the school you wanted…I am so happy to hear the positivity in your voice. I do the same thing, think negative because I’m afraid to think positive for fear of something negative happening. Jinxing myself. Always. It has to do with my upbringing. Letting go sounds good and something I need to do more of as well. I am always thinking about you.
When I went for my 4th insemination, I could just feel that something was different and that this was going to be the lucky time. I hope that it is the same way for you. I am keeping you in my thoughts.