A confession

You probably have realized that I’ve been absent a bit…. not posting as I normally do, lurking, commenting on others blogs. And I’m not ignoring you (or going away for that matter, heavens, no…)

Last month, you might have remembered a post where I talked about figuring out where to go from here… infertility-wise.

After a ton of soul-searching, we are pretty close to making some life-changing decisions.

I’ve realized something very important, or should I say “we” in that my husband is totally on-board with this too…

We don’t need another biological child to make our family whole. That being said, we agree on one big thing… being a family of three isn’t the end for us. Someone is still missing.

I’ve pretty much abandoned the idea of traipsing the U.S. looking for a new RE that can pinpoint the cause of my recurrent pregnancy loss. Sure, if I were wealthy, and had all the time in the world I might spend thousands of dollars to find “a reason”, but a reason does not necessarily equal a baby. And the most magical RE in the world can’t promise a baby.

After 5 miscarriages… let’s be honest… I am starting to bet against myself. Realistically, the chances of us having another pregnancy that works is pretty low.

I think our plan now with the RE is perhaps try one IVF (perhaps w/ PGD) for shits and giggles in June. If it doesn’t work, I can still pay the medical bills and call it a day.

MY BODY won’t be the focus anymore. I don’t want it to be. I have been on this road for three years and frankly, I am done. I know people who can ride the Infertility Rollercoaster for years upon years, but I know in my heart that I can’t do it anymore. This has ruled my life, my every moment. And it’s a freaking crime.

I want my life back, and by this summer I will.

So, the big news I guess… we are 99.9% ready to roll on adoption. As you know, I’ve been researching for a month now, and we are very close to choosing an agency. We decided to pursue international adoption…. Domestic is too much of a gamble and even that isn’t a “sure-thing”. We are tired of gambling money and emotions, and are quite fine with having to wait awhile, so long as there is a child at the end of the road.

We are considering the “waiting child” program… for those of you not familiar with what that is… it’s the program all agencies offer that includes children with mild to moderate special needs.

The goal is to complete our family, and I am starting to feel very confident that this is the path we are meant to take.

Remember when I talked about wishing someone would “send a sign” to let us know we are making the right decision?

Well, the signs have been coming fast and furious… and I can’t ignore them.

8 thoughts on “A confession

  1. Oh Shelli, what a great choice to make! What a wonderful thing you will be doing for a child who needs you! Would you mind if I gave you a link to someone who has just welcomed a little girl into their family? She is such an inspiring and wonderful person and I know she would be happy to answer any questions you might have about the journey. If at this point, you even have any questions. I truly get from reading your blog for a while now that you are a woman who really does her homework and doesn’t make any decisions without research and knowledge. If you are interested, here is her blog address:www.faithfulfroggers.blogspot.comAs always, I’m looking forward to sharing your journey through resding your blog, whatever the outcome is.

  2. I got chills (the good kind!) reading post. My oldest child is adopted and I’m thankful every day for how our family came to be. It makes me so happy when I hear other people considering adoption. It’s a wonderful journey!

  3. yayy! I am so excited for you. Just making a decision can give you so much peace. I’m so glad, and will be sticking here with you to see when you family becomes complete!!

  4. Sounds like you are really at peace with your decision. You are going to provide a wonderful home to one very lucky baby. As you may recall, I too adopted my oldest, and I found it was an amazing journey. I think of you frequently and wish you all the best in the world.pbibik (from Ovusoft)

  5. Congratulations are reaching some conclusions in your life. I think you are making some very intelligent, well-thought-out choices. Good luck! You are going to make a child (however he or she comes your way) very luck.–MM

  6. Oh good luck!!! That is a big decision to make. As an adoptee myself it always warms my heart to about the love that goes into the decision to adopt.

  7. Wow…what a fantastic post! It sounds like a wonderful journey you are on now…much luck and success. One of my best friends is hoping to adopt her foster baby soon!! 🙂 I will be thinking of you!

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