Crossroads

Yesterday, I went to the OB/GYN for my post-op visit. Let me preface by saying that although I do like my doctor there (and her refreshing opinions compared to my RE’s) I hate to go there.

Y0u know why. The onslaught of pregnant people and babies.

Unlike my RE’s office, which is a child-free zone, I got to experience what I’ve been missing in the last two years of my infertility treatments…. Grumpy pregnant women. One sat across from me, lamenting how uncomfortable she is, and she wish her pregnancy was OVER. It took all the power in the world for me not to roll my eyes. Or club her.

I had a women sit next to me with a baby carrier in tow. She sat down and sighed. I attempted not to make eye contact with her. Then she turned to me and said, “my baby is four months old, and here I am again, pregnant with #2. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I am so upset.”

I wanted to slug her.

I wanted to vomit.

I felt my blood pressure rise, and my face flush, and I turned to her ready to spout something terrible that would make her feel like a peon. But I didn’t. I sat for another 45 minutes feeling like I wanted to disappear. I would have rather been anywhere but there.

Now weepy and pissed, I finally get to the exam room. When Dr. D walks in we talk about my recovery. Which has been, thankfully, uneventful physically. Blah, blah, blah, expect your next cycle to start in a couple weeks. Call the RE for a consult next month and talk to them about next steps.

Then she stops and looks at me and says… “You need to decide your tolerance here. Think about what is best for you emotionally and for your family.” It was as if I had every emotion written on my face at that moment and she saw it. We talked more, about trying again, the emotional and financial toll, adoption, and when it’s okay to say… I’m done.

I got home and decided to look into the infertility counselor referral my RE gave me. Then I spent the afternoon surfing the ‘net Googling more adoption links and ordering some books on Amazon.

Last night, S. and I had another serious conversation about all of this. We already decided we want to seek adoption, no matter what. So how does this fit in with closing the book on trying on our own? I have two insured cycles left (if we take advantage of them, we’ll do IVF in May-June). I am still wondering if I should be investing all my time in adoption, or these last two cycles.

The odd thing is…. for the first time EVER… I thought about just letting go. Save the money for adoption. I guess I am just waiting for a sign. I know that’s silly, and a lot of you don’t believe in fate and all of that. But it seems like this may be the turning point.

I just wish someone would point me down the right path and say GO THERE… that’s where you are meant to go.

In the meantime, I just really, really want to hide.

4 thoughts on “Crossroads

  1. I agree with MM. I think you know the answer you are just afraid of chosing the wrong one. Think about the option and how it would feel if you chose either one and NOT the other. Its like the test where you flip a coin and find yourself routing for one side or the other. I think you know deep down what is right for you. You just have to be brave and do it. I know you can, and in the end, you will chose the right thing for yourself. Hang in there!!

  2. Shelli, Sometimes I think if we think about it and really do some soul-searching we find that we really do know what to do. Deep down I bet you do. You just have to realize it and act on it. I know whatever path you take will be the right one.–MM

  3. I have been precisely where you are and I feel you. For me the worst part was that there were no guides for this. We had to just kind of make it up ourselves.Our decision was to get going on the adoption. There was a ton of paperwork and other festivities, and then we settled in for what we thought was going to be a long wait.I discovered that I no longer got sweaty palms driving in the general neighborhood of our RE’s office, so we tried one more time. (Totally different protocol.) It worked, and we got the call from the adoption agency the day before we got the official word I was pregnant.Now. Could I ever have planned that out? No way. I hope you have a similarly surprising and wonderful conclusion to all your uncertainty.

  4. While I know I would have loved to tell the woman who was complaining about being pregnant w/a 4mo old that “I am here for a follow up on my D&E after losing my 5th pregnancy”, I probably would have bit my tongue, too. I’m tired of saying, “some people will never get it.” I’m tired of making up excuses for them. They just suck.While I can’t tell you which path to chose, I’ll walk along if you’ll have me.

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