The End

I’m not sure how to start this post, so I’ll just say it.

My ultrasound this morning did not go well. I am measuring 4 days behind, but worse, the heartbeat is gone. After my appointment with the RE, I went to another radiology lab (with better machines) to confirm the findings.

They found the same results.

I am stunned, and can’t even capture my breath. How the fuck could this happen????

My RE wants me to either miscarry naturally or with medicinal assistance (cytotec – like last time). If you remember, he was not successful in completing my last D&E (anatomically I have a few challenges with a narrow cervix and a tipped uterus) thus his conservative approach.

I am opting to go back to my ob/gyn for the D&E (they’ve done it successfully, no doubt in part that they unfortunately do d&c’s just as much as deliveries). I also want them to try again in the hopes that they can capture the remains and do testing. I just need to know.

I am crushed enough. I don’t need another event like the last miscarriage which dragged out for 5 months.

As for how I feel, I am sad to say I think I’ve reached the end of my rope. Clearly, great betas and one stellar u/s does not equal a baby.

Frankly, I am out of time, patience, and money. And Hope has taken a beating as well. I just don’t forsee Hope as being a part of my life anytime soon.

I’ve often thought what it would be like to reach The End.

I just never thought I would get there.

37 thoughts on “The End

  1. I’m just catching up here, and came across this. I’m so sorry to hear your news. Your positive attitude and strength continue to amaze me. I have friends who have been successful with egg donors and surrogates – the science is amazing, so I know you’ll figure something out!

  2. Aww Shelli…We have never met and probably never will but I was routing for you this entire TTC time. I check your blog daily and was soo sad to see this entry. Big hugs to you and I hope this “end” goes faster and more smoothly than the last.Thinking of you!!

  3. I am so very sorry. So very sorry.I know the pain of repeated loss and the lach of being able to hope. It is such a difficult thing to get through.Thinking of you xx

  4. I am so, so sorry. 😦 Will be thinking of you…. **Hugs**I do think it is time for you to have some testing done – this is more losses than anyone deserved. Please let me know if you have any questions on what should be done.

  5. I have a son, my first one, which pregnancy went perfectly OK.The second one was the problem… I had 4 miscarriages. I went to many doctors and it was found that I have my ANA (anticorps) positive. I read a lot about it and I found that it was cause of recurrent miscarriage. They said that in that cases prednisone was the way. Many doctors said that they won’t give me that medicine, but one specialist in infertility gave me prednisone and aspirine in my sixth pregancy. It was a hard pregancy but now I have a wonderful daughter.Maybe you have a immuneproblem to…You have to be strong and try to find what your problem is…*Paula Sofia(Paula_S_Ramos@hotmail.com)

  6. Shelli,I just checked your site this afternoon and saw the Stewing post, figured all was well, and now I check back tonight to THEE most devastating news. My heart is breaking for you. Clearly this is not how it should have turned out. No one would blame you for feeling as though there is no hope. Please know that even though we’ve never met, I support you as much as possible through the blogsphere no matter where your path takes you. You are beautiful and creative and so open to share this journey with all of us.I’m so sorry…. Much Love to you….

  7. Shit. I literally got teary-eyed when I saw the title of your post.I’m so sorry! I wish there was something I could say or do. I will keep you and yours in my prayers.(((HUGS)))Jen

  8. I’ve come via DD’s blog. I am so sorry for your loss.I’ve had three pregnancy losses last year (two chemicals and one at 11 weeks) after years of secondary infertility. It’s a tough and sad place to be.Hope you hang in there,kati

  9. I'm so sorry to hear this. I was really praying hard for you. Don't give up! As dalettre said, she is proof. So many people go through this, and it has to be heart wrenching. I will continue to pray for you, that you find peace and happiness, and that in the end you get what you want and deserve. You sound like a terrific person, and you deserve nothing but the best.

  10. I so feel for you. I have a history of miscarriage and it never gets any easier. I hope things happen normally and quickly so you can have peace.(I am proof that you should keep trying, as I'm due any day now with a boy.)

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