I’m not sure how to start this post, so I’ll just say it.
My ultrasound this morning did not go well. I am measuring 4 days behind, but worse, the heartbeat is gone. After my appointment with the RE, I went to another radiology lab (with better machines) to confirm the findings.
They found the same results.
I am stunned, and can’t even capture my breath. How the fuck could this happen????
My RE wants me to either miscarry naturally or with medicinal assistance (cytotec – like last time). If you remember, he was not successful in completing my last D&E (anatomically I have a few challenges with a narrow cervix and a tipped uterus) thus his conservative approach.
I am opting to go back to my ob/gyn for the D&E (they’ve done it successfully, no doubt in part that they unfortunately do d&c’s just as much as deliveries). I also want them to try again in the hopes that they can capture the remains and do testing. I just need to know.
I am crushed enough. I don’t need another event like the last miscarriage which dragged out for 5 months.
As for how I feel, I am sad to say I think I’ve reached the end of my rope. Clearly, great betas and one stellar u/s does not equal a baby.
Frankly, I am out of time, patience, and money. And Hope has taken a beating as well. I just don’t forsee Hope as being a part of my life anytime soon.
I’ve often thought what it would be like to reach The End.
I just never thought I would get there.
37 thoughts on “The End”
I’m just catching up here, and came across this. I’m so sorry to hear your news. Your positive attitude and strength continue to amaze me. I have friends who have been successful with egg donors and surrogates – the science is amazing, so I know you’ll figure something out!
DAMN. I haven’t checked in for a week or so, and I am so, so sorry to hear about this. Thinking of you guys…
What devastating news. I an so very sorry for your loss. You will be in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m thinking of you.
So sorry to hear about your loss.
My deepest condolences. My thoughts are with you.
I just wanted to say Im so very sorry. As a fellow infertility/m/c fighter, Ive been following your blog and was cheering for you everyday.All my prayers are with you.
Shelli, I saw you on Connections Abound. I am so incredibly sorry for you. I have no good words just know that we are all thinking of you.
Aww Shelli…We have never met and probably never will but I was routing for you this entire TTC time. I check your blog daily and was soo sad to see this entry. Big hugs to you and I hope this “end” goes faster and more smoothly than the last.Thinking of you!!
Shelli~I am so sorry. I know it hurts so much.
Allow yourself time to mourn and heal. Leave an open door policy for Hope if she wants to return later~Rita
I am so very sorry. So very sorry.I know the pain of repeated loss and the lach of being able to hope. It is such a difficult thing to get through.Thinking of you xx
I am so, so sorry. Words cannot express my sympathy.
I don’t have anything to add, just that I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
Shelli – I am truly sorry. I have been there and done that, too many times. It never gets any easier.My best wishes of peace and comfort to you.
I am so, so sorry. 😦 Will be thinking of you…. **Hugs**I do think it is time for you to have some testing done – this is more losses than anyone deserved. Please let me know if you have any questions on what should be done.
I am so sorry that you had to endure such a heartbreaking loss. Hugs of support to you.
I have a son, my first one, which pregnancy went perfectly OK.The second one was the problem… I had 4 miscarriages. I went to many doctors and it was found that I have my ANA (anticorps) positive. I read a lot about it and I found that it was cause of recurrent miscarriage. They said that in that cases prednisone was the way. Many doctors said that they won’t give me that medicine, but one specialist in infertility gave me prednisone and aspirine in my sixth pregancy. It was a hard pregancy but now I have a wonderful daughter.Maybe you have a immuneproblem to…You have to be strong and try to find what your problem is…*Paula Sofia(Paula_S_Ramos@hotmail.com)
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I wish you peace during this tragic time. XOXO
I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family.
I am just so so sorry, Shelli. This is terrible.
oh, sweetie, I am so sorry. I don’t think there is anything else I can say. Thinking of you and your family.
Shelli,I just checked your site this afternoon and saw the Stewing post, figured all was well, and now I check back tonight to THEE most devastating news. My heart is breaking for you. Clearly this is not how it should have turned out. No one would blame you for feeling as though there is no hope. Please know that even though we’ve never met, I support you as much as possible through the blogsphere no matter where your path takes you. You are beautiful and creative and so open to share this journey with all of us.I’m so sorry…. Much Love to you….
I am so so sorry. Sending a hug and wishing I could do more.
Shit. I literally got teary-eyed when I saw the title of your post.I’m so sorry! I wish there was something I could say or do. I will keep you and yours in my prayers.(((HUGS)))Jen
Came via DD…I’m so sad for you and your loss. Keeping you close to my heart.
Words cannot even express the shock and sadness I am feeling right now for you. (((((((hugs)))))))
I’ve come via DD’s blog. I am so sorry for your loss.I’ve had three pregnancy losses last year (two chemicals and one at 11 weeks) after years of secondary infertility. It’s a tough and sad place to be.Hope you hang in there,kati
Came to you from dd’s blog. So terribly sorry for your loss.
Shelli, I’m so sorry about your loss.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I was really praying hard for you. Don't give up! As dalettre said, she is proof. So many people go through this, and it has to be heart wrenching. I will continue to pray for you, that you find peace and happiness, and that in the end you get what you want and deserve. You sound like a terrific person, and you deserve nothing but the best.
I so feel for you. I have a history of miscarriage and it never gets any easier. I hope things happen normally and quickly so you can have peace.(I am proof that you should keep trying, as I'm due any day now with a boy.)
My heart sank to read your title. Please give yourself some time to grieve before you make any decisions. Take care of yourself.–MM
I feel devastated for you, I am so so sorry Shelli.
Oh, no no no no no no no!!! 😦 I’m so sad and disappointed for you.(And I’m really sorry about the email I sent you. I had no idea at the time.)
Oh, no, Shelli! I am just sick. I wish I could say or do something more, but I’m truly heartbroken for you.
Are you kidding me? Fuck. I am so sorry to hear about this terrible news.