Monday, Monday

Every other day, every other day
Every other day of the week is fine, yeah
But whenever Monday comes, but whenever Monday comes
A-you can find me cryin’ all of the time

I’m feeling a little on the yuck side today. No, I’m not sick (at least I hope I’m not getting sick). I’m just feeling…. I don’t know… that kind of BLAH. Where nothing is very colorful, and nothing is exciting or even interesting.

Even my coffee doesn’t taste good today. That’s really a travesty!

I’m avoiding work today. It’s a mixture of just being a little burnt out lately, and the fact that it dawned on me that I may have to make a very important decision as to where my career is going in the next month. You see, January is “clean-up” month around my organization. We do yearly reviews, wrap up projects, talk about the coming year directions, and we have the “career” discussions.

So my boss fills me in on some changes coming down the road and offers me a slightly different direction (based on a huge acquisition coming on). After which I can hear the clock ticking down. The decision clock.

I am in SUCH A QUANDARY.

I can either stay in the general area/job role I’m currently in -OR- leave the organization and go to a new division/new job.

As you know, I knew this decision was coming. I was dreading it. Because as you might imagine, my infertile status has pretty much driven my career over the last two years… playing the “what-if” game. What if I am, what if I’m not. What if I have to travel more? What if a new manager doesn’t like the fact that I am pursing an important personal goal that limits my schedule??

Reasons to stay put with my same manager is I don’t have to reexplain my status… but the “different direction” is still essentially the same job. I have to work my ass off, but I can pop on and off the radar at will with the blessing of my manager. However, I am hating this job. Well, hate is a strong word. I don’t like it anymore… it’s tedious, boring.

A new job would be invigorating, but the downside is I can lose the support of my management with the infertility stuff. I could end up traveling more. The job may end up less stressful, but I wouldn’t know in what ways that would manifest. I would be a newbie again, and have to prove myself again.

Having said that, if I wasn’t in infertility hell, I would take a new job, hands down. It would be an easy decision. I’ve been ready to go a totally different route since this time last year when I was promoted.

I’m bitter. I’m bitter and pissed that my infertility has seeped into my work. And any decisions I make are based on it. Compartmentalizing isn’t working anymore. I need to find a happy medium… and I am sooooo far from it. F&^K!!

In other news, it’s Stim Day 5 here (didn’t that go fast?) and I am a little ahead this cycle in terms of follie size, so not sure what that means at the moment. I guess depending on my bloodwork from this morning, they may tweak my dose. I had two lead follies on the left, and three on the right… all similar in size and larger than this point last cycle.

Oh Monday, Monday…

2 thoughts on “Monday, Monday

  1. Sorry you’re having to deal with such stress — especially during a cycle. I know what you mean though. I can’t recall how many times I’ve felt like our whole lives are on hold. Every decision gets weighed with the thought of what if I’m pregnant, or what if I’m cycling. Oh and of course, what if we have to keep paying for the privalege of TRYING to get pregnant. My daughter is in a private Kindergarten this year (we wanted to avoid half-day since she was used to full-day daycare and since she’d have to be gone all day anyway) and I’d love to keep her in private school, but any money we may have been able to use has been spent on fertility treatments and adoption fees. UGH!Good luck with this cycle!

  2. Shelli–All I can say is I hear ya in regards into infertility seeping into EVERY aspect of life… sad, sad, sad. I missed your post earlier about kindergarten. We are in the same boat. Our public school (which is wonderful) offers half or full day. But, we’re having a heck of a time figuring out what the best fit for Matthew and our family is. I keep thinking if he’s gonna be our only one… is it wrong to be selfish and put him in half day to keep him little (just a little longer).To make a long story shorter… the point is, you definately are not alone!Best to you this cycle!Jen

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