Scared to lose

It’s good to be scared. It means you still have something to lose.

I heard this quote, on of all things, the TV show Grey’s Anatomy. It was so interesting, I scribbled it in the margin of a magazine on the side table as I watched the episode.

A couple days later, I saw the scribbled words as I got together all the old magazines and newspapers on recycling day. I tore off the cover with the quote on it and placed it on my desk.

I’ve been staring at this quote all morning and pondering why I found it so interesting.

Through many of my trials and tribulations in the last couple of years, one thing I’ve carried in my backpocket has been faith.

Faith that our luck would change.
Faith that better days were ahead.
Faith that my family and I can overcome the challenges that come our way.

Fear is a component of my life that comes and goes. I don’t live my life in constant fear, thank goodness, but when the fear creeps up it’s hard to shake. Sometimes the fear is like a vice grip, slowly squeezing the life out of you. Or a cat in a dark alley ready to pounce. But it never appears in the same way.

When I think of my life in its totality, I feel lucky. I have S. and David. I have family and friends who I love to pieces. I make a decent living. I live in a modest house and have food on the table. I laugh (mostly, lol).

My Dad always used to say to me (still does), being scared is reserved for situations of the utmost importance. Death, for example. Anything else isn’t worthy of being scared about.

That’s easy for him to say.

So maybe it’s not about being scared that I will never have another child. Perhaps it’s just the fear of losing more.

You know that old adage about “it’s not the destination, it’s the journey?” Well, if you don’t ever make it to your destination, how many of us will live in the moment during the journey? Remember it? Cherish it?

Or even if we do get to the destination…. does it make the journey more special, or just a mish-mash of stuff that got us from Point A to Point B?

After I really thought about this phrase I kept on my desk, it dawned on me that I was scared. Scared to face the death of a dream. The dream that I can’t bear to lose.

A fellow SIF blogger blogged about this topic awhile ago, about getting to the END. The last chance at catching the star you’ve been reaching for for so long.

Because of my (ahem) advanced maternal age, I don’t have the luxury of doing IUI after IUI and gazillions of IVF attempts. It seems odd that I only went to the RE for my first visit 10 months ago, on my 39th birthday… and how quickly the urgency appeared.

The reality is I have a couple shots at this. 2 or 3 IUI’s with injectibles at the most, and two (insurance covered) IVF attempts.

In four to five months, if none of this works, I could reach the end of everything.

Perhaps it’s the hormones coursing though my body, but for today, I admit. I am a wee bit scared.

3 thoughts on “Scared to lose

  1. I did infertility for 10 months with my first and was signed up for IVF. I was paralyzed with fear but went through it all and then again a second time. When you want something you just go and do it and hope you land on something soft. That’s what I did when I decided to work from home, I went for it. Great post.Sommerhttp://www.greenandcleanmom.blogspot.comWant to work from home?http://www.greenmom.info

  2. Very insightful post. I think it is okay to be afraid, as long as you don’t let it paralyze you and remember that even if the worst were to happen, you still know deep down you would be able to handle it.–MM

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